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Deleted member 50647
Hello,
I am a 24 F and I have been healing from PTSD for 3 years. Some background, my trauma came from a night when roommates (and perceived best friends) plotted and then screamed at me for 3+ hours accusing me of things that were untrue, twisted my words, or exaggerated mistakes that I made even after I apologized profusely. They told me there was never a friendship even after all the things we went through because they hated me the whole time and the rest of our friend group did as well. They told me their goal was to mentally break me down to the ground. Once they were finished/I couldn't take it anymore, I could barely stand up from hyperventilating and crying. I tried to call for help, but they took my phone away from me and then tried to force me to drink water which I was scared to do due to the uncontrolled breathing. They also said I was exaggerating by hyperventilating.
A few weeks later I tried to be independent and okay, but while out with some new people, I was walking out of the bathroom to meet back with them and I was grabbed around the neck by a man while another came up and groped me.
To make a long story short, this has been a long journey. I have been doing really well, but I do still struggle with a few triggers occasionally. A big issue I have now is solidifying friendships. I have made myself new friends, but I have difficulty trusting in the friendships. I am scared to call anyone my best friend because I don't believe that anyone cares about me that deeply or will be friends with me forever. No one has ever called me that either, even though I try super hard to be a good friend, love to have fun, am super social, I am always available at the drop of a hat. I can't even imagine how happy I would be if anyone ever did call me that, my heart might pop out of my chest right then and there. Maybe I just annoy people. I either have to keep myself partially numb or closed off from fully believing in the friendship, or if I don't feel like the person is buying in, I will feel hurt. I realize you are probably thinking that the other person senses this, but I keep that part very private and do my best to be the type of friend someone would want. I am decently open about my PTSD in general if the conversation arises but I never tell people when Im struggling because I don't think anyone really cares. Sometimes I "test the water" and drop hints or straight up tell the people I think I'm close with if I'm struggling, but no one ever asks if I'm okay. I am a super social person and love to be around people though, so maybe it is hard for people to tell when I really need them.
Does anyone else struggle with this? I feel like I can't tell when a friendship is real and I can trust it versus when I need to leave it be. I know people have their own struggles as well so I am also super aware of trying to not make things about me and making sure I am sensing when they need help. Basically, I am doing my best, but no one seems to want me as a friend or at least I am constantly perceiving it this way.
I am a 24 F and I have been healing from PTSD for 3 years. Some background, my trauma came from a night when roommates (and perceived best friends) plotted and then screamed at me for 3+ hours accusing me of things that were untrue, twisted my words, or exaggerated mistakes that I made even after I apologized profusely. They told me there was never a friendship even after all the things we went through because they hated me the whole time and the rest of our friend group did as well. They told me their goal was to mentally break me down to the ground. Once they were finished/I couldn't take it anymore, I could barely stand up from hyperventilating and crying. I tried to call for help, but they took my phone away from me and then tried to force me to drink water which I was scared to do due to the uncontrolled breathing. They also said I was exaggerating by hyperventilating.
A few weeks later I tried to be independent and okay, but while out with some new people, I was walking out of the bathroom to meet back with them and I was grabbed around the neck by a man while another came up and groped me.
To make a long story short, this has been a long journey. I have been doing really well, but I do still struggle with a few triggers occasionally. A big issue I have now is solidifying friendships. I have made myself new friends, but I have difficulty trusting in the friendships. I am scared to call anyone my best friend because I don't believe that anyone cares about me that deeply or will be friends with me forever. No one has ever called me that either, even though I try super hard to be a good friend, love to have fun, am super social, I am always available at the drop of a hat. I can't even imagine how happy I would be if anyone ever did call me that, my heart might pop out of my chest right then and there. Maybe I just annoy people. I either have to keep myself partially numb or closed off from fully believing in the friendship, or if I don't feel like the person is buying in, I will feel hurt. I realize you are probably thinking that the other person senses this, but I keep that part very private and do my best to be the type of friend someone would want. I am decently open about my PTSD in general if the conversation arises but I never tell people when Im struggling because I don't think anyone really cares. Sometimes I "test the water" and drop hints or straight up tell the people I think I'm close with if I'm struggling, but no one ever asks if I'm okay. I am a super social person and love to be around people though, so maybe it is hard for people to tell when I really need them.
Does anyone else struggle with this? I feel like I can't tell when a friendship is real and I can trust it versus when I need to leave it be. I know people have their own struggles as well so I am also super aware of trying to not make things about me and making sure I am sensing when they need help. Basically, I am doing my best, but no one seems to want me as a friend or at least I am constantly perceiving it this way.