Weedflower
Learning
Hello, it's been a few years since I've been here. First, I just want to say thank you to everyone who keeps this page going and to this community for always being here with their support.
Well, this year and last year have been rough for everyone. But this year has hit me hard. I guess I'm just wondering if someone else has had a similar experience? I hope not but... Anyways. On Christmas, my dad started showing COVID symptoms and went to the hospital for a while because his oxygen levels dropped to about 80%. It was horrifying. My dad is my rock. I love him so much and he is the only reason I'm not more f*cked up by my trauma. He's all better now, but he was sick for a little over two months.
Just as my dad was starting to recover from COVID, my brother called to tell me that our mother is dying of late stage glioblastoma (fatal brain cancer with no hope of living longer than 1 year). I have been no-contact with my mother ever since I was 14 years old because she gave me a black eye, among other abuse, but that was the tipping point for my father to see he needed to intervene and have her custody rights removed and also take my sister away from her too. For background info, I have learned through years of therapy that my mother is a narcissistic abuser.
Anyways, my brother flew really far to come help and, after arranging for temporary care for my father, my sister and I drove a few hours over to the city where my mother lives to help my brother take care of our mother. She had emergency brain surgery to remove most of the tumor just to buy her some more time. I wondered if I should even go, what the point of it would be, but my family encouraged me to at least make one final effort and leave nothing unsaid. I also wanted to support my brother because I didn't think it would be right to let him go through that alone.
In summary, it was a horrible, horrible two weeks. She kept playing her usual narcissistic games. She had the audacity to tell me "you know I may have made some mistakes but I did my best as your mother" and got my grandmother (also a narc) to gang up on me and agree that I should forgive her. My mother not only has never apologized to me at least for just the black eye, but she told me multiple times that it was my fault and I deserved it. No one was allowed to upset my mother or else her brain could bleed and she could die. She f*cking loved that. She f*cking loves dying and all of the attention it gave her (while that lasted). She also started dating her abusive boyfriend again (the guy put her in the hospital multiple times but ok) and tried to make my sister talk to him. My sister is terrified of him and used to carry a knife on her at all times until she finally realized she didn't ever have to see our mother again and stopped going for visits. We all came and tried to take care of her, changed the dressing on her head, made sure her medicine was in order, took her for walks, tried to play games with her and catch her up on our lives, etc. She just kept starting drama for no reason, claiming everyone was trying to control her and abuse her. She also kept sneaking off to smoke cigarettes (you can't do that with an open skull because it could easily get infected. Also she's literally dying of cancer. Also the doctors gave her nicotine patches but she kept trying to throw them away). She also kept inviting all of her friends over to come see her even though she could die super easily from COVID now. And got angry when we wouldn't let people come over. We found out later she was sneaking extra pain medication so we have a strong reason to suspect she's been a drug addict for a while. We finally gave up because we just couldn't take it anymore. She was still being abusive and refusing to take care of herself. We all felt terrible leaving (my siblings and I) but we just couldn't take it anymore. My aunts were going to take care of her instead, but she kept pushing them away. One of my aunts was supposed to pick her up after a day-long doctor's visit and scans and exams but when my aunt came to get her, she refused to pick up the phone. She kept calling other people to get her (friends, my brother who couldn't take it anymore, etc). My aunt waited for hours. Then called us because she was worried something happened. My brother finally figured out what happened. In the end, a family friend drove all the way from my city (hours away) to come pick her up from the hospital. She claimed we were all mean and abandoning her and trying to control her and then tried to guilt trip my brother because he wouldn't pick her up.
That was all back in late Jan / early Feb. When I got home, I sat down and wrote a really long letter to my mother. I documented all of the abuse she committed against me. I described in detail the negative effects I suffer or have suffered from because of it (PTSD, social anxiety, similar abusive tendencies built from habit that I now have to work really hard to undo, sexual trauma, intimacy issues, suicidal ideation, self-harm, etc). I told her that dying of cancer is not a get-out-of-jail free card. Especially when she keeps doing the same shit even now. I told her she needs to own up to her actions and apologize. That I love her but that doesn't mean I have to tolerate her abuse and I won't. It was everything I ever wanted to say to her. Nothing left unsaid.
She got it. And blocked me on Facebook (I unblocked her to send the letter). She then texted my brother some super long, stupid message about how she refuses to waste her "precious time" on my "hurt and hate".
Flash forward to yesterday. My brother text me some screenshots of some more long, twisted rants our mother sent him. In summation, she said we all lack empathy for her, that we're cold and uncaring, that everyone is so cruel to her, that she keeps trying to live as long as she can for the sake of her children but we refuse to see her and we don't even care if she dies, that her only hope now is that no one disrespects her body after she dies (what the actual f*ck????), that she wishes we could experience exactly what she's going through except that would mean we would be dying too and she deeeeefffinitely doesn't want that...stupid c*nt. My brother shut that down and told her to stop playing the victim, that she made her bed so she should lie in it. My mother said "you sound exactly like your aunts and sisters and I am not playing the victim but I am sorry if it sounded that way". So yeah. She literally said she wishes her children would get brain cancer.
I feel terrible, but I keep thinking over and over that I will feel so relieved when she's finally gone. I don't want her to die this way. It's horrible and no one deserves it. But I am just so tired. Her prognosis came late January, so next January at the latest, she'll probably be gone. That's just a few more months. It's awful. I wanted that closure. I wanted an apology. I wanted to spend the last of her days making the most of it. I always held this little sliver of hope in my heart she might change. I know she won't. Most narcississicts (if any) never do. But I just thought of all the things in the world, surely this would make her wake up. Surely if everyone has cut ties with her, she'll realize. But she won't. She just is so stuck in her twisted reality that she can't. And frankly, I'm angry. I didn't get to have a mother because of her. So much of my childhood was robbed from me. And even as I've become an adult, she's robbing me of so many things. And now. Now she's refusing me that closure.
I've been back in therapy since COVID hit so I've been generally coping fine. But I just don't know how I'm supposed to go on every day wondering when she's gonna die. Wondering if it'll happen sooner rather than later because she won't even take care of herself or go into hospice. Or if it'll be later because she's just f*cking stubborn. It's just more torture. And I'm just so angry at her.
Well, this year and last year have been rough for everyone. But this year has hit me hard. I guess I'm just wondering if someone else has had a similar experience? I hope not but... Anyways. On Christmas, my dad started showing COVID symptoms and went to the hospital for a while because his oxygen levels dropped to about 80%. It was horrifying. My dad is my rock. I love him so much and he is the only reason I'm not more f*cked up by my trauma. He's all better now, but he was sick for a little over two months.
Just as my dad was starting to recover from COVID, my brother called to tell me that our mother is dying of late stage glioblastoma (fatal brain cancer with no hope of living longer than 1 year). I have been no-contact with my mother ever since I was 14 years old because she gave me a black eye, among other abuse, but that was the tipping point for my father to see he needed to intervene and have her custody rights removed and also take my sister away from her too. For background info, I have learned through years of therapy that my mother is a narcissistic abuser.
Anyways, my brother flew really far to come help and, after arranging for temporary care for my father, my sister and I drove a few hours over to the city where my mother lives to help my brother take care of our mother. She had emergency brain surgery to remove most of the tumor just to buy her some more time. I wondered if I should even go, what the point of it would be, but my family encouraged me to at least make one final effort and leave nothing unsaid. I also wanted to support my brother because I didn't think it would be right to let him go through that alone.
In summary, it was a horrible, horrible two weeks. She kept playing her usual narcissistic games. She had the audacity to tell me "you know I may have made some mistakes but I did my best as your mother" and got my grandmother (also a narc) to gang up on me and agree that I should forgive her. My mother not only has never apologized to me at least for just the black eye, but she told me multiple times that it was my fault and I deserved it. No one was allowed to upset my mother or else her brain could bleed and she could die. She f*cking loved that. She f*cking loves dying and all of the attention it gave her (while that lasted). She also started dating her abusive boyfriend again (the guy put her in the hospital multiple times but ok) and tried to make my sister talk to him. My sister is terrified of him and used to carry a knife on her at all times until she finally realized she didn't ever have to see our mother again and stopped going for visits. We all came and tried to take care of her, changed the dressing on her head, made sure her medicine was in order, took her for walks, tried to play games with her and catch her up on our lives, etc. She just kept starting drama for no reason, claiming everyone was trying to control her and abuse her. She also kept sneaking off to smoke cigarettes (you can't do that with an open skull because it could easily get infected. Also she's literally dying of cancer. Also the doctors gave her nicotine patches but she kept trying to throw them away). She also kept inviting all of her friends over to come see her even though she could die super easily from COVID now. And got angry when we wouldn't let people come over. We found out later she was sneaking extra pain medication so we have a strong reason to suspect she's been a drug addict for a while. We finally gave up because we just couldn't take it anymore. She was still being abusive and refusing to take care of herself. We all felt terrible leaving (my siblings and I) but we just couldn't take it anymore. My aunts were going to take care of her instead, but she kept pushing them away. One of my aunts was supposed to pick her up after a day-long doctor's visit and scans and exams but when my aunt came to get her, she refused to pick up the phone. She kept calling other people to get her (friends, my brother who couldn't take it anymore, etc). My aunt waited for hours. Then called us because she was worried something happened. My brother finally figured out what happened. In the end, a family friend drove all the way from my city (hours away) to come pick her up from the hospital. She claimed we were all mean and abandoning her and trying to control her and then tried to guilt trip my brother because he wouldn't pick her up.
That was all back in late Jan / early Feb. When I got home, I sat down and wrote a really long letter to my mother. I documented all of the abuse she committed against me. I described in detail the negative effects I suffer or have suffered from because of it (PTSD, social anxiety, similar abusive tendencies built from habit that I now have to work really hard to undo, sexual trauma, intimacy issues, suicidal ideation, self-harm, etc). I told her that dying of cancer is not a get-out-of-jail free card. Especially when she keeps doing the same shit even now. I told her she needs to own up to her actions and apologize. That I love her but that doesn't mean I have to tolerate her abuse and I won't. It was everything I ever wanted to say to her. Nothing left unsaid.
She got it. And blocked me on Facebook (I unblocked her to send the letter). She then texted my brother some super long, stupid message about how she refuses to waste her "precious time" on my "hurt and hate".
Flash forward to yesterday. My brother text me some screenshots of some more long, twisted rants our mother sent him. In summation, she said we all lack empathy for her, that we're cold and uncaring, that everyone is so cruel to her, that she keeps trying to live as long as she can for the sake of her children but we refuse to see her and we don't even care if she dies, that her only hope now is that no one disrespects her body after she dies (what the actual f*ck????), that she wishes we could experience exactly what she's going through except that would mean we would be dying too and she deeeeefffinitely doesn't want that...stupid c*nt. My brother shut that down and told her to stop playing the victim, that she made her bed so she should lie in it. My mother said "you sound exactly like your aunts and sisters and I am not playing the victim but I am sorry if it sounded that way". So yeah. She literally said she wishes her children would get brain cancer.
I feel terrible, but I keep thinking over and over that I will feel so relieved when she's finally gone. I don't want her to die this way. It's horrible and no one deserves it. But I am just so tired. Her prognosis came late January, so next January at the latest, she'll probably be gone. That's just a few more months. It's awful. I wanted that closure. I wanted an apology. I wanted to spend the last of her days making the most of it. I always held this little sliver of hope in my heart she might change. I know she won't. Most narcississicts (if any) never do. But I just thought of all the things in the world, surely this would make her wake up. Surely if everyone has cut ties with her, she'll realize. But she won't. She just is so stuck in her twisted reality that she can't. And frankly, I'm angry. I didn't get to have a mother because of her. So much of my childhood was robbed from me. And even as I've become an adult, she's robbing me of so many things. And now. Now she's refusing me that closure.
I've been back in therapy since COVID hit so I've been generally coping fine. But I just don't know how I'm supposed to go on every day wondering when she's gonna die. Wondering if it'll happen sooner rather than later because she won't even take care of herself or go into hospice. Or if it'll be later because she's just f*cking stubborn. It's just more torture. And I'm just so angry at her.