The path towards healing is a long and hard one

[Bubblegum]

I already have my own physical diary, but itd be nice to get it all down in one place. I'm running out of paper anyways.

Today was slow, but i got up and made myself breakfast, that was good. Bf had to go to work today, not so good, home alone. I was supposed to do some chores, I should probably get to it.

Doorbell rang first time in a while, I hid as I usually do.

Watched a show, but got triggered due to a specific episode, lots of body bags, I couldnt stop imagining my late friends wrapped up in plastic bags full of bullet wounds, first flashback this week, head hurts.

laying in bed right now after a call with my therapist. Were going to work more on my avoidance forward, so I dont isolate any further.

Iv ketamine treatment next week probably, hope it'll give me some relief.

I had plans today, but I think I might just cancel, dont think ill be good company right now. I hope I wont regret it.

 

[Bubblegum]

Holding on for today, hopefully tomorrow will be better.

 

[Bubblegum]

I just want to stop holding back everyone, myself included.

Getting my thoughts down in one place might be good for healing, I'm done being so negative and feeling hopeless. Hoping that one day I'll get over this hurdle, so that I can start giving back to the people in my life, that have already given me so much of their time and energy.

Maybe I'll get back to work, pick up my passions again, not be afraid of loving and putting myself out there. Irony is even if I want to die, I want to live so badly. You cant escape pain, pain is a part of life, and I need to accept that more than anything. I'm going to overcome that, one day I'll stop worrying about hurt and live my life to the fullest. I feel like I'm never going to be done playing catch up, but who knows, maybe I'll get there.

 

[coraxxx]

Hi @Bubblegum . Nice start for your diary! This disorder sucks so much and healing isn’t easy. However, it does get better.

One of the hardest things is to get you’re overwhelmed and you got past your capacities. And sort of start to congratulate yourself just for going buy a chocolate on the other side of the road. All the stuff you would have done without even thinking before. It’s normal it overloads your head.

Diaries are a good place to log the progress and keep track of how you’re doing. Others checking in I find help also being less negative and cryptic than we would do alone. So, congrats you started! I read quite good things about the ketamine infusions.

 

[internal]

Watched a show, but got triggered due to a specific episode, lots of body bags, I couldnt stop imagining my late friends wrapped up in plastic bags full of bullet wounds, first flashback this week, head hurts.

i'm real sorry to hear you had such an intruseve flash back, bubble. this was a great start to begin getting some of this stuff out of you though.

and even if it does not seem that way, i have found particepating here helpful with my own sense of avoidence and isolation and hope it can be this way for you as well.

the weight of immensety in our minds, after the fact, can be just as enormous as the event itself. when our brains get stuck and stuttered like someone jammed a big stick inside of the gears of the machine.

for what it's worth, i'm the same way my self with television-it's the rare show that doesn't trigger me. i stick to cartoons.

 

[Bubblegum]

thank you for the responses @ruborcoraxxx and @grief !

I've been sick for the past week (the flu) so I must apologize for the late answer. I had one "hell week" as I call it, but my head isn't entirely under water at the moment I'm not sure if my PMS is making my PTSD even harder to deal with, but every 3 week I'm just an utter mess, really, I'm somewhat functional on a day to day basis, but oh boy, PMS is a killer.

As for diary stuff, I am absolutely dreadful at keeping one due to my adhd, but I will try my best.
But yes, last night I had some energy to take care of my partners needs, and it felt really great, I got one whole serotonin molecule to get me through the winter-
I guess that was when I realized that it's something that I really used to love, just making people happy and content is something that fulfill my needs as well.

Maybe it's because I feel like less of a burden, maybe it's because it's someone close to me, being happy because of me, makes me feel good all together-
It might as well be a guilt thing, but I feel less like I want to grab the closest knife to me and jab it into my abdomen when I am capable of making the people around me happy.

Though my loud thoughts of self harm has calmed, one thing is very worrisome, Idk where it came from, but the other day I was calmly talking about ending my own life, I felt no remorse, no guilt for it, even though my SO broke down. That strong apathy was nothing short but disturbing, like, I am apathetic often, I mostly just feel anger and sadness, or nothing at all, sometimes a small warm feeling in my chest, but I usually mask my apathy as to not hurt the people in my life.

But this time it was something else entirely, I haven't felt like this since my last attempt almost 10 years ago (Iv'e had one attempt earlier this year but the feeling wasn't as bad as this) If I were home alone, or if my SO wasn't awake, I wouldn't have been here writing and that's a scary thought, I wanted to die, I was so ready to just get it over with, but now I'm just scared of this other person hiding in there. It wasn't desperation, it wasn't anything really, all I thought was that I I'm ready to just never wake up again, because at this point does it matter if I live or die if every waking moment is a fleeting feeling, I already felt dead at that moment (also oml so sorry for the tumblr angst here, but Idk how else to describe it)


The most alarming thing after this, is how my suicidal ideations seem to be more frequent, it used to be a couple of times a month, then every week, and now every other day almost.

Therapy has been good though, at the very least there is that- I also reached out to my old boss after avoiding it for years, he is a very kind and understanding man so idk why I was even terrified of reaching out, he's pretty laidback so I know it'll be okay (Trying to use more of a positive language lately, even if I don't necessarily believe what I say or write, cognitive therapy woop woop) Also got back in touch with an old friend, that I've been avoiding because she's friends with my ex's new supply

(ironically enough the new supply is someone I tried to befriend, I've been in her situation, the whole 'my ex is crazy, block her shtick' so I hardly blame her). Situation is still making me nervous, but I know she were in my situation once and she would never drop me out of the blue like that, even if my ex tried to convince her, she's very sweet, thoughtful and a softie, despite of what my anxiety tries to tell me.

Also really tired, Iv'e had 8 hours the past 42, crossing my fingers I'll get some proper sleep tonight

 

[Bubblegum]

I've been thinking about getting back to writing, it used to be an outlet of mine, and I'm not quite sure why I quit doing it. A small dramatization of what my dad told me when I was finally able to open up about my ptsd, I think due to my anxiety I expected the worst but, I got nothing but support. My Dad knows what to say when I'm really far into the dumps, and told me that I'm still young and he's happy for me, that I got out of my cycle and that told me that there's many people who never get out, and that I got what it takes to reclaim the life I felt like I lost, he put it into words in a way I can't replicate, but he's my rock, sure he had a stroke this year, and it hurt all of us, but I'm grateful that he's getting his old self back, little by little, and that there were no permanent damage, today I am grateful to my dad.

"It doesn't matter where and when you realize you're lost, be it young or old. Some are doomed lie there in the dark, till the day they draw their final breath. You have been given a new chance, that in itself is a blessing. Those who wander are never truly lost"

 

[Tinyflame]

I think self-awareness is part of the solution. And dialing it back a bit, trying to add anything that is safe, soft or kind to yourself. Which probably isn't easy. And sleep, of course. Very huge because strength to manage or bear is depleted. I find resoultion folloes total depletion.

Glad you have such a great relationship with your dad. Hang in there.

 

[Bubblegum]

I think self-awareness is part of the solution. And dialing it back a bit, trying to add anything that is safe, soft or kind to yourself. Which probably isn't easy. And sleep, of course. Very huge because strength to manage or bear is depleted. I find resoultion folloes total depletion.

Glad you have such a great relationship with your dad. Hang in there.

Good thing self awarness is one I got going for me It might be a coping mechanism, but its there good and bad Currently working on my cognitive dysfunction with my therapist, so I can talk more kindly about myself, so crossing my fingers that I can start acting with more self love Sleep have been rough too even with melatonin, but it seems like its getting better!

And thank you Rosebud

 

[Bubblegum]

The last couple of days have been rough, somehow I was convinced my partner was a narcissist because he remembered something wrong, and I got at him and claimed he was gaslighting me. It wasnt pretty, I constantly feel unsafe in my own realationship, even though he has never done anything to hurt me physically or mentally, its not fair to him at all. And somehow I am less attracted to this person even though they treat me with dignety and respect, the other day I was begging him to hit me, its f*cking odd to say the least. I got to get it together for my, and his sake. He looks so tired these days due to having to wake up late and take care of me. I hope that I can one day be the partner he deserves. And that I can take care of him in turn. He's always so happy when I have good days, and I hope I can have more of those.

Tomorrow I get my first dose of IV Ketamine too, I'll be logging my experience here, how I felt during and after.

Its going to be really expensive, but it'll be worth it, if I can get back to work and have a better life internally. Crossing my fingers it'll help with my physical aches too! It seems to work well with people that have Fibryo.

Who knows, maybe I'll have less messed up bowl movemnts too

And a couple of good things too, I took care if my plants today and my Calathea Medallion perked up even! So that made me pretty happy!

 

[Bubblegum]

I thought I had fixed my sleep pattern, but it only lasted for one night because I was stressing out about keeping it

Contradictory much???

Anyways, I sent a message to my Ex Boss, something I've been trying to do for almost three years now, because I need my stuff for one, and also because theyre good people.

Though I had to have my bf read the reply, and write a reply for me, it was still a small victory, because I finally did the thing

Today I'm just trying to make it without food, liquids or any of my medicines before my IV Ketamine treatment, so you could say I'm a little grumpy right now haha, but we are ordering out as soon as I am home so looking forward to it

 

[Bubblegum]

Ok so update on IV Ketamine, I went in to the K hole as they call it, and oh man was it an experience, I honestly just went with it, and I felt so at ease, like I was one with everything, and at some point I just started crying, my face mask got really moist, I was crying ACTUAL TEARS.

I was so in touch with my emotions, and I felt a calm wash over me, like I cant remember ever having felt. I recalled some good memories from my childhood, our mountain hikes, our skiing and that one summer we were Biking across lofoten, I was thinking about my late uncle as well? Though I dont remember what exactly.

I saw the midnight sun wash over the seas and the northern lights dance in the night! I just remember feeling like I had so much left to give, I remember thinking thar I was sorry I wanted to leave everyone behind, that I didnt mean that, I want to stay with them all as long as I can, and that I love everyone so much. And I recognize that as my true feelings, I suppose.

I had the best night of rest in a long friggin while, and I woke up not feeling like a lukewarm pile of garbage. My head is quiet for the most part, I can more easily get out of my spirals, I'm not feeling suicidal at all for once! And my anxiety, though not entierly gone, is barely noticable. Also, no bodily pain!

I was very skeptical prior to the appointment, but tried to keep an open mind while there, and I'm still trying to get used to my "new brain"

I feel like I do when I have a good day, but my head is quiet, and I feel a little extra emotion, I dont want to hurt myself, or kill myself as of now, I'm still a little irritable though, but we'll see how things turn out in the long run, but for now I am happy, I got relief, and I couldnt ask for more than that :) second and third injection is Monday and Wednesday! So let's see how that pans out ^^