Forgiveness is not a prerequisite for healing and I kind of doubt anyone really does foregive. More like "let it pass" or "forget". The closest thing I personally have is maybe an awareness that the bad happened and if I have to I can choose to accept that there will be more bad and I live with it. we have all had people we knew were inclined to do something we didn't like but we let them keep doing it because we had to for whatever reason. we had to keep it in mind that the bad was probably going to come around again but accepted that as a part of letting them stay around.
Break the word foregive down and i see it as "fore" meaning before, ahead of time, in preperation, and "give' as in bend, allow, make allowance for, tolerate. After someone does me an injustice or two, I have to prepare to make an allowance for another if I choose to stick around for it. Whenever possible I don't.
In a sentence: There are lots of stores that have treated me badly in the past, but there are more stores coming on line all the time and I can get whatever I need from stores that I choose to deal with and avoid the ones that would require me to "foregive".
I disagree....forgiving yourself for your own part when one might have acted like a total jerk, can come with regret and shame-which can take the form of looping. Forgiving yourself stops a lot of that looping and really reduces anger and self-criticism. Making amends to those we've hurt
and want or may want to reconnect with in the future isn't just as simple as "forgetting" or "pretending that whatever incident happened, didn't" making amends makes room for repairing relationships when everyone is ready-if that's a goal. I honestly can't say that my behavior has always been stellar or perfect in a hot moment. If someone hurts me, it still isn't okay for me to be a dick to them any time I run into them, even if they've continued to be nasty. If their behavior was so grevious that I never want to see them again, then it is simple, I just don't need to have contact.
"I'll skip over the last several years of BullS and we'll pretend it didn't happen, and move on" doesn't fly with me. This kind of behavior has a "white elephant" in the room, and will resolve nothing and will likely, when you see that individual who you are angry with or who hurt you, will bring up old shit.....and trigger unresolved anger.....and you'll likely find yourself in a similar angry situation as the past with that person.....because things didn't get resolved or forgiven by both parties...... Furthermore, I believe if something I did contributed to the collapse of a relationship, and I want to reconnect, then I need to own my own part.....own what my behavior did to the relationship, expect the person won't trust me, and it is up to the other person to accept or reject the apology I have to offer. I think forgiveness is important in being able to break the old patterns of behavior and is critical in the healing process itself.
If you are closing doors to your abusers permanently, then you still have to forgive yourself to offload the anger/rage, hurt, self-loathing and resentments that you may have, then get a new spin on being okay yourself in order to be able to think about whatever happened and not finding yourself looping and angry....finding self-love rather than carrying unhealthy self-hatred that is tied to the anger about the past.....and I feel that's got to be dealt with, too.
We can't and it's not always practical or possible to have a discussion with one's abuser. In those cases, we just have to forgive ourselves.....and know we did the best we could in whatever situation that happened.
On a different note: Spelling: Foregive (wiki dic) means to pretend......the spelling of
forgive, as this thread implies, means
to pardon and to be willing to let go of the negative feelings attached to the incident causing one's conflict. There are abusive people who don't want to forgive or don't think they had any part in hurting you..., and those people need a scapegoat and need to be angry. That's them and that's their issue.
But if we, as the recipient of their abuse, blame and anger, remain angry, too... , and we have children or grandchildren, neices and nephews, or other loved ones, our own anger/unresolved rage can unconsciously perpetuate the abuse cycle. Letting go of the anger.....and creating boundaries, has the potential to change the abuse cycle and I believe is the road to finding inner peace. I hope this made sense.
@joeylittle I think being able to step in the other person's shoes, is the ideal way to get there.....but there are many abusive situations that might not work for that....but I totally agree with this where it is possible.
. This also applies to me though , and I guess I also understand that self forgiveness is difficult. I am also ‘accepting’ and ‘understanding’ how things happened - I am more relenting on my self . Truly forgiving? I don’t know. No.
