Hope I'll be the last diary I'll ever write

[Givrali]

There's something important to say there but I wait a phone call before writing it

 

[Givrali]

Ok I finished the call. It was with my therapist because I tested again to see if I'm able to kill myself but with the intention to kill myself not just to test.

I'm now safe. I talked with art therapist. I talked with my best friend and I talked with the therapist I working on my emotions and ptsd with. I'm feeling better and now I accept the fact it was really dangerous and important what happened last night.

Actually I may not tried to test at all only actually tried to commit suicide. I now have trouble to admit reality because I'm very afraid what I tried to do yesterday.

Once I realized I cannot kill myself I just went to bed and slept. This morning when I woke up I completely underestimated the importance of what I did because I wasn't feeling anything. Later I started to feel and what I was feeling was awful.

Hopefully I was having art therapy this afternoon and I could talk to art therapist about last night. It must have been disturbing for her because when I started talking about it I was smiling according to her. I explained I wasn't aware of it and didn't feel any good about it but I don't know if I kept smiling after it or not. Later I could talk to my best friend and at this point I realized how risky and important what I did was.

Until 1 week ago I always was living with someone else so it was easy for me to dismiss how bad it was to try this. Now I'm alone I understand how serious just trying without being able to put myself in danger actually is.

it's really very serious even when I can't actually put myself in danger.

Now I'm happy and relieved I couldn't do it. My therapist want me to list warnings signals before it happens before this Thursday when I'll see her. I'll write it right after posting this message in my diary, I already have an important signal to list.

To avoid to make other members feel like they have to check on me I won't say the signs of it here.

Future me you know an important sign and it's very serious. If you see it react by making you safe.

 

[Givrali]

Futur me, no matter how light or small your feeling bad seems to you or your symptoms seem to you I can say you now it's serious enough to call your country help line immediately if you want to test this limit or act on SI.

It's real and serious.

 

[Givrali]

I know it never feels real but this it reality.

 

[Givrali]

I'm a work in progress and that's ok

 

[joeylittle]

Once I realized I cannot kill myself I just went to bed and slept. This morning when I woke up I completely underestimated the importance of what I did because I wasn't feeling anything. Later I started to feel and what I was feeling was awful.

I've had a similar experience. I'm so proud of you for being brave and noticing the awful feeling. There is often a point, when one is feeling very suicidal, where things stop seeming real - or, the feelings you're having about things become turned off, or numb. Just like you've said - and that's a very dangerous state, because it's much more possible to act without thinking or feeling.

Futur me, no matter how light or small your feeling bad seems to you or your symptoms seem to you I can say you now it's serious enough to call your country help line immediately if you want to test this limit or act on SI.

I really am sorry you had to go through the bad night you had - and I'm also very glad that you've made something so powerful out of it.

Knowing when we are in danger - being able to identify the specific thoughts or actions that YOU know, for yourself, are crossing into the danger zone - and committing to follow a series of steps to make sure you get help - this is what in English we'd call a 'safety plan', or a 'safety contract'.

It helped me for a long time to leave notes for myself, reminding me of the steps I would take, the next time I got to feeling like suicide was my best option. Just a thing I could try to use to distract myself, and if that didn't help, then which phone numbers I needed to call.

I just really wanted to tell you that this is such a good thing that you are doing for yourself, and it's not an easy thing to do. Good work.

 

[Givrali]

So I bought food but not enough fruits ans vegetables. I packed unnecessary dishes but I don't progress a lot

 

[Givrali]

Tomorrow I'll look up furniture with my former educator and referente C.

 

[Givrali]

Guess I should go back to clear up my living room so I know the volume other furniture I can buy

 

[Givrali]

So exhausted but I have to wait before going home

 

[Givrali]

My stress and exhaustion is in a red point. I have to be very careful this night

 

[Givrali]

Of course regardless the exhaustion I'm feeling less tired and am more prone to do things at night because anxiety. Since I didn't actually rest before I'll have to watch what I'm doing very closely