Sexual Assault Difficult one - Have any of you ever had a very brief snippet of a memory, but not even a clear memory?

[LucyLou]

Have any of you ever had a very brief snippet of a memory, but not even a clear memory. I had a flash of someone lay on top of me, when I was smaller and I was naked at the time....but I can't make out their face. I always knew I was s**ually as**ulted by my grandad....but what if he went further than I even remember? I'd remember if he r**ed me though, right? I don't know if it him and the memory has come up because I've been talking about my grandad in therapy or if it's a memory from the other 2 people that a**sed me. I'm feeling unsure/confused and all different things

 

[Movingforward10]

I blocked out rapes. So it's not uncommon to block things out and not remember.
It's also common for memories to come back in a peicemeal way and for the whole memory to not resurface.

It's good you're talking about it in therapy. Because it can be very confusing and distressing to have partial memories and not know the full picture.

Someone laying on top of you when you were little may be all sorts of things that may or may not include rape.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
I hope you find some answers with it soon.

 

[arfie]

brief, unidentified snippets would be typical of how my own repressed memories first reemerge.

for what it's worth
i take great care to avoid speculating on the content, etc., of these unidentified snippets. yes, that is easier said than done, but my emerging memories are immensely vulnerable to the power of suggestion, even my own suggestion. speculating on the unidentified snippets has led me to false memories, every time.

 

[goosegoose]

I don't have much to add other than a rollcall of "yes this happens to me, too." I actually have a very blurry memory with my own grandfather like you, but like you said, it's blurry - not enough to really make sense of it. I know that when I was younger than 4/5, my dad would take me into the shower with him and the memories are very blurry. But like @arfie said, even the power of my own suggestion is enough to leave me very confused and very distraught. It does not help that I have also had a nightmare of my dad r*ping my youngest brother and it was very out of the blue, and it happened when I was well into my late teens/early 20s. I go back and forth - was my dream filling in the blanks of my own assault, unrelated to my dad and brother? Or was my dream filling in the blanks that he s**ually as**ulted me?

If it was unrelated to my dad, then who? I know my grandmother ab*sed me relentlessly in this way from nearly infancy to 6/7 years old. But the constant blurriness always leads me in circles with impostor syndrome. Was I fully r*ped as well as m**ested? Was I not? I've often told myself that if I wonder about it so much, and if it brings me so much distress, then I probably was. Not that that helps much, but it helps me gaslight myself less and approach myself with a little more gentleness/caution.

@arfie's comment about this being typical of their own repressed memories starting to reemerge makes me nervous, although validated. Thank you immensely for everyone who shared. Tonight is the first time I'm really verbally expressing anything related to this, so...hi! (waves) fellow survivor here. Not sure if any of this will help, but you're not alone, not by a long shot.

 

[arfie]

Tonight is the first time I'm really verbally expressing anything related to this, so..

keep on expressing those feelings and confusions. not forcing the issue is very, very different from repressing the emotions attached.

listening. . .

fwiw
in my own dreams, i believe rape typically equals a general loss of power. the cop who gave me a speeding ticket took away my power/raped me. just believing. . . i also believe we are even more unique in our dreams than we are when we are awake.

 

[goosegoose]

in my own dreams, i believe rape typically equals a general loss of power. the cop who gave me a speeding ticket took away my power/raped me. just believing. . . i also believe we are even more unique in our dreams than we are when we are awake.

This is so so helpful, thank you for sharing this perspective. I did feel powerless RE: my dad and how he treated me, and especially how he was raising my younger brother so I can see how that would translate into my dream world.

 

[arfie]

I did feel powerless RE: my dad and how he treated me, and especially how he was raising my younger brother so I can see how that would translate into my dream world.

a technique i used to settle my horrific nightmares incorporated a dream journal which i kept for uncounted years. eventually i was able to rewrite some of my recurring nightmares into scenarios where i beat the antagonist. i took back my power and, girl howdy, it was gratifying. take that, you pervy nightmare beast!

 

[whiteraven]

This is how the majority of my memories come to me.

 

[Bamboo]

Reading that made my heart start to race a little bit
Me too. Me too. That's exactly what happens to me.
Snippets. Flashes. Feelings.

But because there isn't that complete progression of events , I then have a constant internal battle wondering if what I'm remembering is real....or if its just what adult me thinks would be the most obvious next action in the storyline. No doubt part of my inability to bring myself out of denial mode.

So many of you here are so brave. I am so very much in the stage of keeping what I am seeing in my head IN my head. A lonely place to be. I don't think I can express adequately how much it helps to read words from others that match what is in my head but isn't yet ready to come out of me.

 

[Paul-]

Have any of you ever had a very brief snippet of a memory, but not even a clear memory. I had a flash of someone lay on top of me, when I was smaller and I was naked at the time....but I can't make out their face. I always knew I was s**ually as**ulted by my grandad....but what if he went further than I even remember? I'd remember if he r**ed me though, right? I don't know if it him and the memory has come up because I've been talking about my grandad in therapy or if it's a memory from the other 2 people that a**sed me. I'm feeling unsure/confused and all different things

When you were younger, these incidents had a deep and powerful impact on your life. However. As time has passed, you repressed or 'buried' the memories of those traumatic experiences.

From time to time, you may find yourself experiencing - albeit vague -'snippets' of those memories.

The therapy will enable you to unravel and help understand what happened in your past. These flashbacks or dreams may become part of your healing process.

Sadly. These incidents could have left you with limited memory - blocking out the faces of your abusers - because you were only a child, very traumatised (even without remembering) and not able to understand what happened.

At present, your most vivid recollections regarding your journey of sexual abuse are those concerning your grandfather.

Although all of your past sexual abuse experiences will have been extremely horrible - not only back then but also reliving the memories - it is those perpetrated by your grandfather that perhaps could be addressed first.

This is because you are becoming confused, due to dealing with multiple issues in a short time.

By focusing on your grandfather in therapy, this will empower you to tackle other issues later on.

The unpleasant dreams/flashbacks can be discussed further in therapy and you'll find a way of understanding and coping with them.

This is a difficult and challenging time for you but hopefully, you'll be able to work through this and in time feel ready to move forward.