Coming To Terms With Who I Am Now... Rant.

[Philippa]

I find it really hard not to get down on myself about fighting with people over the internet (not here) over stupid things. I used to be so much better at not being reactive and not giving them the satisfaction...now, I am kinda known as the angry woman who picks fights with people, on this personal development forum I am a part of. Some days I don't, but so many days I have been this way...who is this person fighting all the time?

I hate it. Life seems to be cruel in that I have met so many people over the years, while I have been struggling with PTSD, who , to me, represented the old me, the way I was...the way I'll never be again.

In a way, it's shown me the level of ignorance I once operated at. I must have been so ignorant once upon a time. I actually used to think that people who stick around for abuse are stupid...before I had ANY idea about the brainwashing that goes on and the way their self-esteem gets beaten down so they don't feel like they deserve any better. Now I understand a whole lot more...a WHOLE lot more.

I suppose it has been a necessary thing in my personal evolution, to be confronted with all these people who represent the way I was...when I was happy, and ignorant. Ignorance IS bliss, and although I wouldn't want to be that ignorant again, it's way too late for that...it's upsetting to interact with these people, and see them look at me the way I would have once looked at someone with PTSD!

Karma?

 

[Darkness Shines]

I try to believe that those of us who've known true pain have a proportionately greater capacity to know joy. I don't always succeed in believing it, but remembering it makes me feel better. At the very least, we appreciate the joys others take for granted a whole lot more.

And I know the frustration with "the norms" as my best friend calls them. Their ignorance can make me angry a lot, though I've managed to put away the worst of the feelings of envy. I mostly cope by just not telling them the truth, not trying to make them understand, because they won't. My acquaintances and casual co-workers have no idea that I'm 'mentally atypical' (I like that better than 'mentally ill'). If I can't hide everything I let them think I get migraines. I lie a lot, I guess. I just don't have energy left at the end of the day to try to explain to norms what it's like to be me.

 

[Tinyflame]

I have found over several years that truth-be-known most people have had or are going through many traumatic experiences or losses- or will- more so than may appear on the surface and that they'd ever speak about. There are all of the theories ('just world', etc), of 'why' people act (or react) the way they do, and I am sure that they apply, but notwithstanding many of us are ignorant of the 'specifics' of struggles until we're in them ourselves, I think, just like you said Philippa. Not that we can't or don't empathize, it's just that 'talking about your clothes being on fire' for example or thinking of it is a WHOLE lot different than dealing with it.

But I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling like you do, or as Darkness Shines said being extremely selective about who you tell and what- 'disclosure' is rarely 'required'. But at the end of the day every one of us is left being responsible how we act- them too.

You may be 'different' than you were Philippa but perhaps you will eventually be glad for that- bizarre as it sounds now. B/c one thing it will inevitably do is cut through the non-essentials to what really matters.

 

[Philippa]

I try to believe that those of us who've known true pain have a proportionately greater capacity to know joy. I don't always succeed in believing it, but remembering it makes me feel better. At the very least, we appreciate the joys others take for granted a whole lot more.

Yes, it definately has that advantage about it. I have trouble believing it too. It's like that saying, that annoying saying that everyone says to try and make you feel better when you are going through hell. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" That maybe so, but in my experience it may not kill you but it just damages and crumples you up til you are a shadow of your former self...how am I supposed to feel stronger? That saying makes me angry.

And I know the frustration with "the norms" as my best friend calls them. Their ignorance can make me angry a lot, though I've managed to put away the worst of the feelings of envy. I mostly cope by just not telling them the truth, not trying to make them understand, because they won't. My acquaintances and casual co-workers have no idea that I'm 'mentally atypical' (I like that better than 'mentally ill'). If I can't hide everything I let them think I get migraines. I lie a lot, I guess. I just don't have energy left at the end of the day to try to explain to norms what it's like to be me.

Yeah, I don't tell people either. My work colleagues probably wonder what is up with me sometimes, and they are pretty open people, so maybe they would get it? Maybe they are going through the same thing?

I did once tell a woman I lived with who wanted to help me...and I ended up getting rejected by her and everyone in the house because I didn't want to socialize with them, I just stayed in my room. They were all shallow "cool kids" who were going through their own stuff, but I honestly don't think they knew about PTSD. They were all partying while I was trying not to kill myself. I suppose it was my mistake moving there in the first place. Everyone was so happy there...and I was in a different space alltogether. It made life even harder and caused me more damage in the long run. At least I'd reached a point where I didn't even care if they were disappointed that I didn' show up for parties...as I was following what I wanted to do and what was best for me at the time.
I may have missed out on some good friendships, but I was having a terrible time and I honestly don't think they would have been able to help in any way...and probably just would have treated me 'differently'?

As it is the girl that wanted to know what was up with me, ended up telling me one day that she was "withdrawing from me, and that she didn't think I was weird, but there was something not quite right about me"...well DUH! I was freakin' homicidal at the time. I wanted to kill the guy who assaulted me, and I wanted to kill my parents too...not really conducive to being a "fun flatmate":rolleyes:

Anyway, it was upsetting, and they were quite mean to me, as women in a pack can be. I didn't make the effort to hang out with them or get to know them, because I was so used to just being alone and dealing with being traumatised...I'd forgotten how 'normal' people actually interact.

I've been thinking about it lately, even though it was a few years ago. I wasn't bullied at school. For me, the bullying started when I was a full adult, aged 32, living with young cool chicks in their mid 20's! I was skinny, they were fat...ergo, I was alone in a new city and subject to the viciousness of women who , for the most part, were only visitors there, they didn't even pay rent, yet somehow this one woman had gained the power in the house by being the sweetest person in the world...which I now consider people who seem like the sweetest person in the world to be highly suspect.

 

[Philippa]

I have found over several years that truth-be-known most people have had or are going through many traumatic experiences or losses- or will- more so than may appear on the surface and that they'd ever speak about. There are all of the theories ('just world', etc), of 'why' people act (or react) the way they do, and I am sure that they apply, but notwithstanding many of us are ignorant of the 'specifics' of struggles until we're in them ourselves, I think, just like you said Philippa. Not that we can't or don't empathize, it's just that 'talking about your clothes being on fire' for example or thinking of it is a WHOLE lot different than dealing with it.

But I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling like you do, or as Darkness Shines said being extremely selective about who you tell and what- 'disclosure' is rarely 'required'. But at the end of the day every one of us is left being responsible how we act- them too.

You may be 'different' than you were Philippa but perhaps you will eventually be glad for that- bizarre as it sounds now. B/c one thing it will inevitably do is cut through the non-essentials to what really matters.

Yes, I agree with this totally.

Most people are just really good at hiding it...better than I am that's for sure. I have trouble not showing my emotions on my face...and I've had so many men tell me to smile over the years, it's just not funny. I even had a Goth tell me to cheer up once:D

Oh, it has definately given me a depth to my character that I wouldn't have had if I hadn't have been through everything I've been through.

When things were a bti smoother I was able to have moments of clarity where I'd go "well, all that stuff made me the person I am today" and it felt good, like I had dealt with it and could move on. Now it doesn't feel like I am able to recognise that, even though I know it intellectually. I know that many have been through much worse than I have, but I've always believed that we humans need to suffer to a certain degree in order to be able to have a compassionate heart and recognise when others are in distress and be there for them...but Ihonestly feel like I've suffered more than I was meant to.

Does anyone else feel this way?

 

[Darkness Shines]

I have found over several years that truth-be-known most people have had or are going through many traumatic experiences or losses- or will- more so than may appear on the surface and that they'd ever speak about.

Well, my experience has been that most people are shallow and stupid. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm not going to lie. I always give people a chance, but I don't end up liking most of them very much. A lot of people are so selfish. I hate selfishness!

It's like that saying, that annoying saying that everyone says to try and make you feel better when you are going through hell. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" That maybe so, but in my experience it may not kill you but it just damages and crumples you up til you are a shadow of your former self...how am I supposed to feel stronger? That saying makes me angry.

One of my favorite songs goes: Whatever doesn't kill you/Is gonna leave a scar. Yeah. That's more like it. Though my personal least-favorite saying is "People aren't given more than they can handle". :mad: I was given a whole hell of a lot more than I could handle! That's how I ended up with C-PTSD, you [censored]!!!!

I do embrace being C-PTSD and I definitely don't wish I was normal, but idiots spouting platitudes triggers my rage.

Yeah, I don't tell people either. My work colleagues probably wonder what is up with me sometimes, and they are pretty open people, so maybe they would get it? Maybe they are going through the same thing?

I can't speak for your coworkers, but my coworkers most definitely are not going through the same thing. I know I couldn't handle the extra anxiety of people at work worrying about or--much worse--pitying me. So you'd want to think long and hard about whether telling them anything of substance is worth the risk of making work uncomfortable. If friends react badly you can cut them out, but coworkers aren't so easy to get rid of.

I did once tell a woman I lived with who wanted to help me...and I ended up getting rejected by her and everyone in the house because I didn't want to socialize with them, I just stayed in my room. They were all shallow "cool kids" who were going through their own stuff, but I honestly don't think they knew about PTSD. They were all partying while I was trying not to kill myself. I suppose it was my mistake moving there in the first place. Everyone was so happy there...and I was in a different space alltogether. It made life even harder and caused me more damage in the long run.

Yep, that's been my experience exactly. My best friend, who's bipolar, calls them 'mania friends'--when you're happy and feeling good they can't get enough of you. But the moment you start acting like a downer, they can't get away fast enough. Most people have never known intense pain and when they catch a glimpse of it it scares the s*** out of them.

I may have missed out on some good friendships, but I was having a terrible time and I honestly don't think they would have been able to help in any way...and probably just would have treated me 'differently'?

No, good friends are there when you're hurting just as much as when you're happy. That's the definition of a good friend, IMO.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes Darkness Shines, I actually don't disagree. iIdon't even mean it in the way (personally) that's it's given me 'character' or made me a better person or a more compassionate one- I don't really understand it at all. To clarify, I work with people throughout their lifespan, and I eventually hear or am told, of the issues within their families, and the 'real life' things going on (or that have occurred). Not the 'masks', not the parties, not oftentimes the appearances.

I can only say for myself, I've come to the conclusion personally I only have 2 choices to respond as regards my own issues: to be bitter, or to not. But really, it's everyone's own choice, I don't judge 'how' someone became a particular way (though I might avoid them :eek:), but I think I can say that the people here on this forum are trying to opt for the latter, or they wouldn't be here.
But yes, it's very rare to find kindness or understanding in general. Or even tolerance, sometimes.

 

[Darkness Shines]

Yes Darkness Shines, I actually don't disagree.

Actually, my post came out sounding a lot more negative then I meant it to. I feel like I've learned tremendous things from what I've been through. But that doesn't make me appreciate stupid sayings from people without a clue what they're talking about. :p The abuse has made me stronger in some ways. It has given me more compassion and a greater ability to love. It's also broken me in ways I can't even fully articulate, much less attempt to fix.

My friend Caren said just about the best thing a person who's never known horror could say when I gave her the short version of my past, she said "Wow. I can't imagine what that was like, but I'm sorry you were hurt. Are you doing OK now?" And she wasn't afraid to keep talking with me after either. See, she didn't pretend to understand. Now she sends me articles and books on PTSD, and translates the academic jargon I can't comprehend. She's not afraid to look into the darkness. So 'normal' people can be awesome sometimes. Which is why I keep giving people chances.

 

[Philippa]

Actually, my post came out sounding a lot more negative then I meant it to. I feel like I've learned tremendous things from what I've been through. But that doesn't make me appreciate stupid sayings from people without a clue what they're talking about. :p The abuse has made me stronger in some ways. It has given me more compassion and a greater ability to love. It's also broken me in ways I can't even fully articulate, much less attempt to fix.

My friend Caren said just about the best thing a person who's never known horror could say when I gave her the short version of my past, she said "Wow. I can't imagine what that was like, but I'm sorry you were hurt. Are you doing OK now?" And she wasn't afraid to keep talking with me after either. See, she didn't pretend to understand. Now she sends me articles and books on PTSD, and translates the academic jargon I can't comprehend. She's not afraid to look into the darkness. So 'normal' people can be awesome sometimes. Which is why I keep giving people chances.

I feel the same way.

I know I wouldn't be as compassionate or able to empathize or even understand how people just want to be heard if I hadn't been through all this...but what a way to have to 'earn' these gifts. It's the flippant way in which people say these sayings that grates on me. I know that people are notoriously bad at saying the 'right' thing when someone is going through hell...they feel they have to say something, when just being there is sometimes more than enough..

Not pretending to understand is the other thing that is the most respectful thing to say IMO. There's really nothing else a person can say except acknowledge that they have no idea what you went through and they are sorry you did. I have this voice in me that will encourage me from time to time to give people a chance. Oftentimes, I don't know why I listen to it, as I find the lot of us to be just so profoundly stupid and peurile, but every now and then...

Thanks, Darkness shines. I wouldn't tell my co-workers at this stage of the game. I usually just say I've got bad PMS. They know I don't have a fabulous relationship with my mother or father, and parental relationships are spoken about openly and honestly there, so, it's a place where I can vent about parents without feeling like I have to pretend they are all just perfect. I wouldn't go so far as to share with them my story though, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't really want to know. Most people are so wrapped up in their own stupid lives and have their own problems, they aren't interested in hearing someones sad story.

As for those people I lived with, you're right, they weren't really my friends anyway, so there is no point mourning their 'loss'...I went on to meet people who really do care about me, so, I may not have met them if I'd bothered trying to get in with these other people?