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Relationship How not to blame yourself

southwest

Learning
Our relationship of a year had ended after my girlfriend told me that she had a resurgence of her past sa trauma. She didn't blame me or hold me responsible. As she put it she felt unheard some times. I was very confused because we had always been very open and communicated especially during sex. I would always try to do my best to do what we had talked about.

She was also feeling pressured that I was moving closer to the same city that she had just moved to as well. We first talked it about moving in together but decided to get our own houses. I tried to comfort her by telling her I needed to move due to my lease ending and I was ready for some place new. Also the city that we moved to had been on my list for a while to possibly move to.

This all happened during the time year that her last toxic relationship had ended which was a little year before we had reconnected. I found this out later that she had only be out of the abusive relationship for a few months before we started dating.

The only time I really confronted her was after she stopped communicating with me. We finally met and she told me thier was a problem but didn't want to talk about it. So I gave it time and we had another date night 3 days later and she was still very cold and distant. At the end I confronted her on what was going on and was very confused on our relationship as she didn't want to be intimate or even talk. We both went to our separate homes after the hard talk. She texted me the next day saying she had felt her boundaries had been pushed by me asking what was going on. Then we spent the next month or so getting more and more distant.

I have definitely been blaming myself and going as far to think that my actions somehow had become toxic to her. Which to my best knowledge I never did I was always very caring and supportive. Was I in the wrong? Could I have done better? It's been tareing me apart.
 
I have definitely been blaming myself and going as far to think that my actions somehow had become toxic to her
If she DISLIKES being asked what’s going on? That’s not you being toxic.
If you DISLIKE her being cold and distant? That’s also not being toxic. By either of you.

Those normal likes & dislikes, personal preferences & personality, problems & attempts to problem solve.

You don’t have to be an abusive pos for her to break up with you. You don’t have to be a bad person, nor have done anything wrong, for her to break up with you. In point of fact, the best possible scenario, is that you’re both amazing people who simply don’t work well together.
 
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For a long time I thought I was the problem with my wife projecting all her fears onto me. Don’t get sucked into that nonsense.

I just need a way to figure out how to explain to her what projection is to a ptsd sufferer.
 
If she DISLIKES being asked what’s going on? That’s not you being toxic.
If you DISLIKE her being cold and distant? That’s also not being toxic. By either of you.

Those normal likes & dislikes, personal preferences & personality, problems & attempts to problem solve.

You don’t have to be an abusive pos for her to break up with you. You don’t have to be a bad person, nor have done anything wrong, for her to break up with you. In point of fact, the best possible scenario, is that you’re both amazing people who simply don’t work well together.
Thank you for this thoughtful and detailed response

You are not toxic just because she says you are. Don’t get sucked into her bullshit. Projection is a thing.
It was very hard for sure. As I have mentioned in other threads she always thought i would act the same as her abuser. The slightest disagreement would turn into her believing that I would emotionally abuse her. 😔
 
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