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Unexpected loss

Justmehere

Sponsor
My dad died. I’m in shock? Shivering and throwing up. He had a heart attack. My family is hard to navigate. I’m getting on a plane. I was not in good shape before this. He was abusive at times and wonderful at times. The last few years he was okay - like a good dad.

I am throwing up with panic and trying to pull it together to get on the plane. I need input.
 
I’m so sorry for your loss - the good parts that you’ve lost.

If there’s big emotions, that’s going to screw with your entire physiological system (vomit bags become a handbag essential!). But in situations like this, there’s not really any way around them I don’t think.

If you can, maybe give yourself as much space (physically and emotionally) from the rest of your family as you need to get through your own stuff?

And, maybe it goes without saying, but it’s okay to not be okay. And everyone is in that boat at the same time and in the same space.
 
From what I remember you writing, saying that your family is "hard to navigate" is a bit of an understatement. ("Impossible" is the first word that comes to mind.) When confronted with panic and impossible people it's helped if I can pause and ask myself "What's this really about?" Where is the panic coming from? Is the threat really in the here and now or is it a threat from long ago that's no longer relevant? It's been helpful if I can keep the facts of that in mind.

Cut yourself some slack too! You don't HAVE to keep or get all of this under control. You just have to make it through to the other side. You don't have to have your feelings about your father sorted right now. There's plenty of time for that later. Good luck with all this! (It's probably going to be complicated but I doubt it will be the worst thing you've ever dealt with.)
 
I somehow made it on the plane. Just so much to take in. Their crazy isn’t my crazy. My father dying is bringing good things. People who didn’t feel safe to be at my parents house now feel safe to be with my mother at their house. Now her house.

Others who have no idea of the dysfunction keep saying all the ways he was so amazing… a version of him I didn’t know. All the bad is really as can be.

I feel way too much and I’m numb at times. There is a f*cking shit load of paperwork when your parent dies.

My whole life I wanted a father who wasn’t an asshole — and for a brief period I had it a bit the past short time. We were healing a bit. It was slow …and now he’s dead. He died on a day I was breaking down so bad I was nearly just gone and he and my mom were going to call me- the call never came. That breakdown didn’t disappear. It got shoved into some deep hole. Every trip here, once or twice a year the past few years, I had a plan to cope well with the crazy. It’s been half way impossible or thrown out.

I am so anxious. I keep taking cold showers. I keep walking and moving until my body quits. I keep panicking. I keep thinking of the things he said what he wanted to do that was kind to do with me and on and on and on… I can’t stop thinking of it.

And the horrible things about his are always present and making an impact too.

It’s all happening so fast. Too much I can’t seem to find calm unless I’m moving or doing something l.
 
My dad died. I’m in shock? Shivering and throwing up. He had a heart attack. My family is hard to navigate. I’m getting on a plane. I was not in good shape before this. He was abusive at times and wonderful at times. The last few years he was okay - like a good dad.

I am throwing up with panic and trying to pull it together to get on the plane. I need input.
Breathe…deeply and not from your chest. Your diaphragm. I am so sorry .
 
I don’t have a clue why I feel constant panic of varying degrees. That’s good input to breathe deeply.

I can’t figure out what I feel panic over other than everything.

I am hyper focused and in a panic about the effing bic pens that were on the counter.
my mother don’t care about them being moved.

It feels like…. Life and death levels of panic that the stupid pens are gone. It’s not about the pens.

I have said a few times today, I feel anxious about ______ but it’s not about that, so I dunno. Grief is weird. I keep saying that out loud to try to just help reduce the chances anyone is like wtf is worng with you going on and on about the effing oens?! And mostly to say it to myself.
 
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