Attachment in therapy

[Sinkhole89]

I think I already know the answer to this but it's occupying my mind a great deal and there isn't enough content for me to absorb to counter it (classic intellectualizing the problem to avoid emotionally engaging).

So I have been doing some really solid work with my therapist and I've started to see changes and shifts in my responses. My avoidance is still there but I definitely am less hyper vigilant which is helping me become less avoidant.

Anyway, the last few sessions we have been touching on some things that have been pretty hurtful and come with a lot of emotion and with that embarrassment. I think this disclosure and the work we have been doing has led me to increasingly form an attachment to my therapist and now I am freaking the f*ck out and starting to get anxious and disregulated by this attachment. I just feel like I am backed against a wall now in terms of taking this further. Part of me sees this as my avoidant tendencies being triggered by this closeness and vulnerability and an opportunity to maybe shift something again by doing something new. Another part wants to leave and can't see myself disclosing this and well if I can't do that then maybe it's time to move on.

Mainly I am looking for some stories or experiences of getting past these bits and how absolutely horrifying it feels..

For context I've been seeing my therapist for about 2 years.

 

[Sideways]

I think this disclosure and the work we have been doing has led me to increasingly form an attachment to my therapist

Trusting non-judgmental compassionate relationships can be…terrifying.

Doesn’t make them sometimes to avoid. Quite the opposite. Allowing (pushing) yourself to experience a healthy, caring relationship is typically a very important part of the therapeutic process, particularly for folks with a history of interpersonal trauma.

This is healthy. New, scary, but healthy.

Another part wants to leave and can't see myself disclosing this and well if I can't do that then maybe it's time to move on.

Flight response, yeah? So many of us with ptsd do this. Helpful things to remember: when the flight response is triggered by emotions, that’s telling you this is scary. That doesn’t mean there’s an actual threat - ptsd means that your amygdala (which is creating that “must run away” feeling) is overactive, telling you to run when it’s not necessary, even when it’s actually counterproductive.

There are big emotions going on to set all this in motion. So, be gentle with yourself. Self compassion because this is frightening. But running away isn’t necessary. Quite the opposite, it sounds like this T is genuinely helping you.

 

[arfie]

hello sinkhole. welcome to the forum.

Another part wants to leave and can't see myself disclosing this and well if I can't do that then maybe it's time to move on.

yup, been there, done that. it take a whole heap of trust to go the places an effective therapist must lead. while not necessarily healthy, the attachments are fully natural. achieving the healthy balance is a worthy goal and even more worthy of a therapy session or three.

 

[Friday]

Scientifically the more dangerous/intense the situation? The more attractive anyone else in that situation is, and the more connected we feel with them.

It’s pretty cool, neurologically & anthropologically speaking, and the studies done on it are awesome (people walking across rope bridges, jumping off of cliffs into lagoons, etc… later seeing the exact same people or same symmetry/body-type/etc. in line for lunch, at the post office, etc… and there’s often as much as a 4 point difference in how attractive the people are viewed. That’s nearly twice as attractive/unattractive!). Some studies purely focus on the self disclosed attractiveness of others in high stress / dangeous situations, but many others take it even further; character analysis (forming even more strongly/securely than first impression bias), unconscious physiological response (like pupillary reaction), etc. Sooooo many studies, across so many different fields, have repeated and confirmed the same thing that it’s not even theory, anymore. It’s a) textbook & b) the only curiosity left is in outlier populations, &/or ways in which this response can be utilized or gotten around (like it’s a feature in riot control).

Which boils down to?

Anyway, the last few sessions we have been touching on some things that have been pretty hurtful and come with a lot of emotion and with that embarrassment. I think this disclosure and the work we have been doing has led me to increasingly form an attachment to my therapist

It would be weird if you DIDNT feel more connected/attached/attracted to/etc. anyone that you’re experiencing in your orbit whilst reliving intense events.

Because that’s just how humans work.

PTSD & Trauma Histories & Lessons Learned in Trauma, etc.? Can make that toooootally normal thing happening? INTENSELY PAINFUL. As in the whole run for your life! aspect kicking in, along with avoidance, trust issues, trauma bonding flashbacks (this connection we feel to others during intense experience? Is part of how trauma bonding works), dysreg, the kitchen sink….

…which is totally normal for PTSD.

So you’ve got a normal-for-humans thing at war with a normal-for-PTSD thing, happening.

Including intense attachment reversing normal human responses, and a wall being thrown between yourself & anyone you start to attach to.

Upside?

As trauma processing takes past events and moves them OUT of the present, and into the past? You’re no longer reliving intense experience with the people present. Because remembering & reliving? Cause tooooootally different things to happen.

 

[Movingforward10]

Omg. Most of my Therapy and diary entries is about my attachment to my therapist. Earlier on it was my shame about these intense feelings. Latterly it's more about trying to accept the beautifulness of this relationship and the healing it brings.

All studies show that the theraputic relationship is really important to positive outcomes.

So, rather than fighting it and being scared by it or overwhelmed by it or freaked out by it: it's ok. It's a sign it's working.

 

[Weemie]

It would be weird if you DIDNT feel more connected/attached/attracted to/etc. anyone that you’re experiencing in your orbit whilst reliving intense events.

I can attest to this first-hand. I do not experience conventional attachment at all, not even to my primary caregivers. It's a "feature, not a bug" of RAD. I view therapy in much the same light. This is a professional that I have sought out whose role is to assist me in processing events that I cannot parse on my own. They are there to help me develop skills that I do not have, to provide information that is missing, and to bridge those gaps. It is a collaborative effort between the both of us. I do not require a sense of trust or connection with this person, as long as they are competent.

Competency is something I vet hard for, as well as the capacity to engage with traumatic material whilst retaining emotional composure. Over the past 1.5 years in therapy with my forensic psychologist, I've deduced that the probability of her suddenly losing competency and harming me or behaving abusively, is very low. It isn't absent, because you cannot ever account for random entropy, but in my view, trust is consistency + time, as well as probabilities of behavior. I can trust an abuser to most-likely abuse me. I can trust my well-trained therapist who has already heard a significant amount of my history and not been fazed by it, likely will remain unfazed.

Do I need emotional attachment to move forward with her and engage in my process? No, because I am confident enough in what I do know, and comfortable enough with myself to assert my own boundaries and needs, to be able to protect myself against abuse and misuse of authority -> as well as certain enough in her capabilities -> that it is not required.

But... FJ's right. It's weird. It's strange. It's not the "normal" human response. But it is absolutely possible!