In my mid 40s, I'm going through the darkest, most difficult time of my life. Walking through the dark wood, the valley of the shadow of death.
I'm reading two books about the transition from the first half of life to the second half of life, both have a depth psychology (Jungian psychology) approach. Also reading one of Pema Chödrön's books.
I feel like I'm on some strange spiritual journey which is pushing me to my absolute extremes, not just pushing me to my boundaries, but breaking them all and leaving them smashed in pieces.
I feel like I'm a phoenix who is burning alive and will turn into ashes and may turn into something new, but that feels so far away. All that's present right now is the burning and the dying.
I don't know how to describe it other than it feels like my "ego" is dying.
I've been into Buddhism long enough to know that's a good thing... that's the aim... for your ego to die...
But f*ck it feels awful... It's the f*cking worst... It feels like being tormented by all your inner demons... It feels like what a cold turkey withdrawal from heroin must feel like....
Ugh... it feels like if I survive this... if I have the courage to go through all the stages of it, without flinching, avoiding, bypassing it... then it will be a deeply healing spiritual journey... I just honestly dunno if I've got it in me...
Has anyone here on this forum experienced something like the death of the ego during/ after trauma, for example?
I'm reading two books about the transition from the first half of life to the second half of life, both have a depth psychology (Jungian psychology) approach. Also reading one of Pema Chödrön's books.
- Through the Dark Wood- Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life - by James Hollis
- Falling Upward - A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life - by Richard Rohr
- When things fall apart - Pema Chödrön
I feel like I'm on some strange spiritual journey which is pushing me to my absolute extremes, not just pushing me to my boundaries, but breaking them all and leaving them smashed in pieces.
I feel like I'm a phoenix who is burning alive and will turn into ashes and may turn into something new, but that feels so far away. All that's present right now is the burning and the dying.
I don't know how to describe it other than it feels like my "ego" is dying.
I've been into Buddhism long enough to know that's a good thing... that's the aim... for your ego to die...
But f*ck it feels awful... It's the f*cking worst... It feels like being tormented by all your inner demons... It feels like what a cold turkey withdrawal from heroin must feel like....
Ugh... it feels like if I survive this... if I have the courage to go through all the stages of it, without flinching, avoiding, bypassing it... then it will be a deeply healing spiritual journey... I just honestly dunno if I've got it in me...
Has anyone here on this forum experienced something like the death of the ego during/ after trauma, for example?