Sufferer Complicated grief after loss of abusive husband

[overfished]

I lost my abusive husband 8 months ago. I had left him and 3 weeks later, he was found in our apartment (they said "misadventure", but drugs were found). I moved from Australia to Canada to meet him. We married 2 weeks after I arrived. Crazy, whirlwind of a time. Three months into our marriage, he started throwing things, calling me names, and very nearly hit me on many occasions (but would hit the pillow/wall next to me instead). For months, I questioned if it was actually abuse. I still do. I'm both angry and grief stricken. I've never felt this lost or alone. No one understands my situation. Hoping there are others who may have had s similar experience.

 

[Riley Jones]

I lost my abusive husband 8 months ago. I had left him and 3 weeks later, he was found in our apartment (they said "misadventure", but drugs were found). I moved from Australia to Canada to meet him. We married 2 weeks after I arrived. Crazy, whirlwind of a time. Three months into our marriage, he started throwing things, calling me names, and very nearly hit me on many occasions (but would hit the pillow/wall next to me instead). For months, I questioned if it was actually abuse. I still do. I'm both angry and grief stricken. I've never felt this lost or alone. No one understands my situation. Hoping there are others who may have had s similar experience.

I am sorry for your loss and for the abusive relationship you experienced. It takes a lot of courage to reach out and share your story. You are not alone, there are others who have experienced similar situations and have found support and understanding through the peer-to-peer community on myptsd.com. Sharing your experiences with others who have gone through similar situations can help you process and heal from trauma. It's important to remember that the abusive behavior you experienced was not your fault and seeking professional help can be beneficial in healing from the emotional trauma. On myptsd.com, there are specific forums available for different topics related to PTSD and CPTSD, including those related to abusive relationships. I encourage you to explore the resources available and connect with others who understand what you're going through.

 

[Ecdysis]

Hi overfished,

I'm sorry for your (complicated) loss.

There are elements of it I can relate to.

It's worth seeking out a specialised grief counsellor and getting help for "complicated grief". It's very hard to navigate this stuff alone and many "normal" therapists are not as well versed in grief, loss and grieving, the way that grief counsellors are.

 

[Rose White]

Grieving is such a strange thing once you get into it. In the sense of, “Why would I grieve losing this when it brought me so much discomfort?!” This happens in recovery, growing and developing and letting go of parts of ourselves that helped us survive for decades can feel like killing off a part of ourselves that was so critical. But without the grief there’s no “other side”.

Some people are scared to grieve, thinking it will never end, or will put them in an unstable state that will trigger life changes they can’t bear. But grief does end, even though it feels like forever, when it is allowed to work through the body-mind.

I have had abusers in my family that I have left, including my ex-husband. They have not passed but I’ve had rounds of grief about *who I was* when I was caught up in the enmeshment and entanglement of the abuse dynamic. I can’t understand your situation closely, but I do understand the overwhelm of grief related to recovery from leaving abusive relationships. It’s damn hard work. Hope you find some company here as you work through it.

 

[ManukaLuver]

I lost my abusive husband 8 months ago. I had left him and 3 weeks later, he was found in our apartment (they saiddad "misadventure", but drugs were found). I moved from Australia to Canada to meet him. We married 2 weeks after I arrived. Crazy, whirlwind of a time. Three months into our marriage, he started throwing things, calling me names, and very nearly hit me on many occasions (but would hit the pillow/wall next to me instead). For months, I questioned if it was actually abuse. I still do. I'm both angry and grief stricken. I've never felt this lost or alone. No one understands my situation. Hoping there are others who may have had s similar experience.

I'm not questioning my dad's emotional abuse as well as in my case his physical abuse, overfished. It started out with small incidents then escalated to full-on hitting. Do you feel you need to seek counseling to help you cope and come to terms with your abusive husband and his rage as well as your anger and grief? My problem after dad died was trying to both grieve the abuse as well as celebrate the wonderful times. I am sorry you are questioning whether this was abuse. IMHO, this was definitely abuse.

 

[overfished]

I'm going to therapy regularly and it's helping I think. I was scared of his anger. He never hit me, but he came very close. And I believe it would have escalated as he hit he ex. He was also paranoid and would accuse me of cheating on him with "demons" in our apartment, when he would take drugs. I just couldn't stay. I felt in my gut that I was in danger. I did love him, I really did. But I couldn't save him.

 

[ManukaLuver]

I'm going to therapy regularly and it's helping I think. I was scared of his anger. He never hit me, but he came very close. And I believe it would have escalated as he hit he ex. He was also paranoid and would accuse me of cheating on him with "demons" in our apartment, when he would take drugs. I just couldn't stay. I felt in my gut that I was in danger. I did love him, I really did. But I couldn't save him.

I too had to go into therapy, and for 20 yrs I remained and for me, it didn't help because his emotional abuse was so destructive to my mental health. So, I underwent 16 emdr sessions to numb my brain from the trauma, and this is what stopped me from trying to take my life. emdr. Dad too was also paranoid due to fighting in two wars and witnessing the death of his USN buddies. He became an alcoholic. I too listened to my gut and moved away. Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde was my dad and I had to learn in therapy to grieve as well as celebrate my dad.

 

[overfished]

My husband was an alcoholic and addict. He had a lot of mental health problems that I couldn't fix for him. The guilt I carry every second of my life for leaving him is so painful, I don't know how to keep going. I should have stayed and he might still be alive. He asked me to stay constantly but I had so much fear. I'm sorry about your dad, that must have been horrible. I've heard about EMDR. I'll look into it, it may be helpful for me too. Thank you for your kind words xx

 

[Friday]

(they said "misadventure", but drugs were found).

That was kind of them, not to label suicide, as that would negate insurance policies…

I've never felt this lost or alone. No one understands my situation.

…it’s sadly common both with PTSD and with people raised/married into abuse (no ptsd necessary) to have this kind of complicated grief. You’ve probably known/met people in exactly this same kind of situation… who simply do not talk about it. Because, when they do? They feel alone & misunderstood. Doubly vexing, yes?

Welcome to the community.

 

[ManukaLuver]

I am an autistic female and I hope that I am posting correctly for I have concerns that I am not. If I am doing anything incorrectly, I hope you will go easy since again I struggle being an autistic female in my everyday life. Thank you.

 

[overfished]

That was kind of them, not to label suicide, as that would negate insurance policies…


…it’s sadly common both with PTSD and with people raised/married into abuse (no ptsd necessary) to have this kind of complicated grief. You’ve probably known/met people in exactly this same kind of situation… who simply do not talk about it. Because, when they do? They feel alone & misunderstood. Doubly vexing, yes?

Welcome to the community.

When the police arrived, they didn't know what to make of the scene. They initially thought it was some kind of crime. He'd accidentally cut himself when high on drugs and passed out unconscious on the floor. There was no suicide note, no indication of suicide at all. I know for a fact that he was terrified of death. But I guess you're right, it did help with insurance even though it wasn't much and I gave half to his parents.
I was raised into alcoholism - both my brother and father are alcoholics. My late husband was too. So it's a lot to process. Thanks for your advice and kindness.