Other Dealing with a screamer

[AnnMBrodeur56]

Are there any tips on dealing with someone who just screams at you? I find that it has triggered my CPTSD. I have realized that this person cannot be told that they don't do anything wrong.

 

[Rose White]

My suggestion would be minimizing contact with them as much as possible. Another option would be communicating something like, “You seem really upset, I want to talk about it with you but when you scream at me it makes it really difficult to talk. I won’t talk to you when you scream. I will leave every time you scream. We can try to talk later when you stop screaming.”

 

[No More]

Don’t deal with them? Walk away.

Let them know when they are calm that you will not communicate with someone who is screaming at you, and if they carry on with the behaviour, you won’t communicate with them at all as it is disrespectful.

 

[Sideways]

Are there any tips on dealing with someone who just screams at you?

When I first moved in with my current housemate, 4 years ago, she would start screaming at me every time she got agitated. She has a personality disorder, and that was just how her distress played out.

Irrespective of the whys and whether compassion dictates that I understand that she’s simply very distressed, and has a limited capacity for how to manage that - I can’t cope with being yelled at. Triggers my fight/flight every time.

So I practiced in the mirror a few times, and put in a boundary that whenever she started yelling, I’d “I can’t deal with your yelling, I’m going for a walk”. And I’d get my house keys and just walk. In any direction.

In the car, I’d find a safe place to pull over, and ask her to “please stop yelling”, and get out and walk for a few minutes.

She got the message pretty clearly, pretty quickly. There was very quickly no point to raising her voice unless she wanted me to leave (which wasn’t what she wanted - screaming came from a place of fear and insecurity, so me leaving was the opposite of what she wanted).

I always made sure to be calm and respectful in the way I did it, so as not to inflame the situation. Just keep it as “if you do X, I do Y”. No judgment or confrontation required.

 

[AnnMBrodeur56]

Thank you everyone. I didn't want to seem petty by limiting communication. My fight or flight has been through the roof.

 

[Rose White]

didn't want to seem petty by limiting communication.

There’s nothing petty about limiting conversation with someone treating you badly. Not saying anything and secretly resenting them then acting out on your resentment? That’s petty.

 

[Friday]

People generally shout when there’s danger, or you’re far away.

Shrug. So that’s my house rule. It is PERFECTLY OKAY to raise your voice at me if there’s danger, or I’m far away. There are half a dozen other permission granted reasons on a case by case (like parties, excitement, games, etc.). The key point there? Is by permission.

Any other reason? I generally either ignore them, or go toe to toe with them.

 

[Freddyt]

My old boss used to have an office right next to my shop. There was one employee that every time he had him in the office they had LOUD arguments. Right up to the day I got called away after turning my shop radio up loud enough to drown them out before I got called away to fix something. Came back and the stereo was at a reasonable volume. It was the last time they had an argument you could hear outside his office.

1. Walk away.
2. Mirror - Yell right back - act like they do right back. Act the same way to them they do to you.
3. Tell them the same I used to tell people at work - there are two things you yell at, dogs and children, and I am not either of those.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am not sure, as I have never found a solution, though @Sideways ' description is what I would say is potentially most effective, if and when you can disengage. I would say it depends on the cause and climate, substance use, dynamic, reasoning or scapegoating, power differential, etc. I definitely wouldn't mirror unless you are sure it won't result in throwing gasoline on a fire. JMHO.

ETA, I do think it's about boundaries, but boundaries that can't be exercised aren't very effective. So, because boundaries are what we do (not the other does), and have to be communicated, sometimes it requires a mental attempt at detachment at least. Is it predictable? Is there any truth in what is said? Would there be any hope of revisiting it in a calmer moment? if as you said they take no responsibility or rather feel it's acceptable there never feels like a lot to work with other than detaching and trying to remove yourself, and being clear when this happens it is what you will do, and doing it. But there can be sabotage, perhaps from fear, or perhaps even unconscious. And new boundaries can have a high likelihood of pushback, especially at the beginning. i think one of the biggest parts necessary also has to come from within you.

Best wishes with it. Idk how long it's been going on.

 

[Tinyflame]

I forgot what I think is one of the most important things (I have found, it also applies to myself though I wouldn't normally be screaming, more like despair or overwhelm): an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Especially IMHO sleep. Next to that what is around: is it preceded by really violent movies, or even an offhand negative comment that comes out later in exaggeration or a fear? Look for links unique to your situation.

We most often also want the other person to be understood too. Not just feel understood, that too of course, but to understand.

Hope that helps!

 

[arfie]

when the screamer is somebody i actually WANT in my life, eg, an adolescent child, visualization is my most used tool. i allow myself to get creative in the visualizations, but my personal fave is visualizing them screaming through the bars of a mental hospital window. they aren't bad or cruel. just sick. healing prayers in progress.

 

[Weemie]

I would refuse to engage them until they adapt their behavior. If that isn't possible and they wouldn't leave me alone I would make it clear to them in the most basic manner that their actions are unwelcome.

My mom's ex was like this. He would also follow me every time I walked away. Eventually I broke a glass bowl all over the place and got up close to him with the shards (after he told me that if I were his son he would hit me because I ate a fish stick).

Do not scream at me. Do not threaten me. If your only language is abuse, I am perfectly fluent. I will walk away over and over again but if you don't let me? That is a direct infringement on my safety and I will respond accordingly.