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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd
- Post starter anthony
- Start date
- Status
I got this one from My wife....so hmmm yeahhhhh ok ummm here goes.........
Warning: PSA
VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE!
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys
removed by black-market organ thieves.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to
sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The
replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these
and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my
thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life
in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to
match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my
new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I
realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long ski pants.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was
fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to
and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary -
my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me
next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck,
I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the
coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts
-stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something
'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
PLEASE!!!!
P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed
and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see
that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them
hidden in my waistband ...
Warning: PSA
VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE!
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys
removed by black-market organ thieves.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to
sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The
replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these
and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my
thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life
in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to
match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my
new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I
realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long ski pants.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was
fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to
and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary -
my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me
next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck,
I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the
coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts
-stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something
'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
PLEASE!!!!
P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed
and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see
that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them
hidden in my waistband ...
'Lizard Birth'
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom !'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth..'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I
noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us.. 'This lizard is not
in labor.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife..
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just . just . .. . excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly! ! the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness...
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . . its. . . teeny little . . '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car... He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class; lizards lay eggs!
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom !'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth..'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I
noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us.. 'This lizard is not
in labor.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife..
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just . just . .. . excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly! ! the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness...
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . . its. . . teeny little . . '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car... He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class; lizards lay eggs!
The Human Body:
- It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Women blink twice as often as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- Women reading this will be finished now.
- Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
- It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Women blink twice as often as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- Women reading this will be finished now.
- Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
her_indoors43
Gold Member
:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:lizard birth...goodonya
LMAO!!! :rofl:
jUst soo what I needed this morning, MY GOD!!! thankyou, and Dave you can stop checking now... must be all counted out by now surely... ;)
:rofl: it hurts some...please...ouch!!!:rofl: really very good, I will have to email my son that lizard one, he loved the last one you did on lizards Mayhem. Thankyou
EXCELLENT *A :rofl: brilliant, just briliant.
:rofl: it hurts some...please...ouch!!!:rofl: really very good, I will have to email my son that lizard one, he loved the last one you did on lizards Mayhem. Thankyou
EXCELLENT *A :rofl: brilliant, just briliant.
amethist
VIP Member
Oh mayhem
I needed that, i can just picture the husbands face when he found out what he had been doing. It is definatly priceless and the fact she could remind of it for ever oh you fellas can get into some situations.
Thanks for the story.
Amethist
It was'nt you by any chance was it lol
I needed that, i can just picture the husbands face when he found out what he had been doing. It is definatly priceless and the fact she could remind of it for ever oh you fellas can get into some situations.
Thanks for the story.
Amethist
It was'nt you by any chance was it lol
I can truthfully say that I am NOT the man in the story. Like any man would admit it. But in all honesty, I am not Him
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand... you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
2. On the other hand... you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
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