Is it my fault? or are they being abusive?

[Sunnydays1]

Hi all, I was a member here but I forgot my username and email, so I made a new one

I’m here because I’m suffering a strain in my relationship with my siblings, I don’t know who’s at fault, so I’m hoping that you’d be the judge.

1- I can’t handle being yelled at or spoken to in a bothered tone, for example my brother, if I sense that he’s fed up with me and is talking with me in a bothered way, I’d get very upset and I’ll ask him why are you bothered with me what did I do? And I’d feel hurt, and then I don’t talk with him or look at him for days.. because I feel hurt.
what is this behavior of mine called? Am I being childish? I’m in my 30s by the way. I can’t help it I just get very upset and afraid when a family member is bothered with me with no apparent reason.

2. My older sister comes to mediate between us, and when I talk with her freely, she tells me that i keep repeating myself, for example I repeat the upsetting conversations, I repeat the hurtful things she used to tell me, and she gets angry with me and tell me she has a headache because of me and I feel guilty and regret opening up to her. I told her that her words (criticism) are like daggers in my heart.

This is my life right now.

I’m not asking for a diagnosis here I’m asking what is this condition.. is this a personality disorder? Am I at fault? Or are my siblings being abusive and insensitive towards me? Why do I keep getting hurt by them.. how to not get hurt by their criticism!? It’s very painful and it destroys me.

Thank you for reading

 

[Bamma]

Hi all, I was a member here but I forgot my username and email, so I made a new one

I’m here because I’m suffering a strain in my relationship with my siblings, I don’t know who’s at fault, so I’m hoping that you’d be the judge.

1- I can’t handle being yelled at or spoken to in a bothered tone, for example my brother, if I sense that he’s fed up with me and is talking with me in a bothered way, I’d get very upset and I’ll ask him why are you bothered with me what did I do? And I’d feel hurt, and then I don’t talk with him or look at him for days.. because I feel hurt.
what is this behavior of mine called? Am I being childish? I’m in my 30s by the way. I can’t help it I just get very upset and afraid when a family member is bothered with me with no apparent reason.

2. My older sister comes to mediate between us, and when I talk with her freely, she tells me that i keep repeating myself, for example I repeat the upsetting conversations, I repeat the hurtful things she used to tell me, and she gets angry with me and tell me she has a headache because of me and I feel guilty and regret opening up to her. I told her that her words (criticism) are like daggers in my heart.

This is my life right now.

I’m not asking for a diagnosis here I’m asking what is this condition.. is this a personality disorder? Am I at fault? Or are my siblings being abusive and insensitive towards me? Why do I keep getting hurt by them.. how to not get hurt by their criticism!? It’s very painful and it destroys me.

Thank you for reading

I feel that conflict (even when you feel super hurt) doesn't have to be one person's fault.

I really like that you expressed your feelings to your sister.

I sometimes find that when people seem annoyed (in the case of your brother it could have had nothing to do with you at all?) it's best to let them be and bring it up when things seem calm?

As far as not wanting to talk to someone for awhile after feeling hurt, maybe you're protecting yourself?

 

[Sunnydays1]

Thank you Bamma :)

Yes conflict doesn’t have to be my fault, but in this case it is, because I withdrew and stopped talking and they’re upset why I’m behaving like a child.

Criticism does hurt, especially the none constructive one.

I regret bringing in my sister and talking to her, because at the end of the call she turned against me and attacked me, and then ending the talk saying her day is ruined because of my stupid subject.

I guess maybe I withdraw to protect myself.

 

[Sunnydays1]

My question is, I need to know what I’ve done wrong because I feel awful and poisoned by the verbal attacks.. my sister tells me that I keep repeating myself, for example “this person told me this and did that” she says maybe I’m not aware of it and it’s very annoying.. I think I’m repeating myself because I’m not getting the answer I’m looking for. I mean she could’ve told me “stop it you’ve said this already don’t repeat yourself” in a nice way.

I love my family, but I’m very hurt by them. And I’ve tried telling my sister that she’s very harsh with me, and that she’s not the sister I know 10 years ago, she says people change it’s natural nothing stays the same, then I tell her but we change for the better not the worse..?

I feel like I need to feel loved and cared for and I’m not getting any support, whenever I open up it turns against me.

I have friends but I’d rather not share with them because we’re not close.
I also thought of talking with a therapist, but i tried it in the past and it didn’t get me anywhere, plus it’s very expensive where I live, like $300/50mins. I’d still pay if it’d help, but it doesn’t in my case.

Edit: Am I asking this in the right section?

 

[No More]

I don’t think anyone is necessarily at fault or being abusive here. It sounds more like general communication difficulties where you are all just missing each other slightly.

1- I can’t handle being yelled at or spoken to in a bothered tone, for example my brother, if I sense that he’s fed up with me and is talking with me in a bothered way, I’d get very upset and I’ll ask him why are you bothered with me what did I do? And I’d feel hurt, and then I don’t talk with him or look at him for days.. because I feel hurt.
what is this behavior of mine called? Am I being childish? I’m in my 30s by the way. I can’t help it I just get very upset and afraid when a family member is bothered with me with no apparent reason.

It’s unfair for your brother to take his frustrations out on you, especially if you didn’t cause them and he’s just going off on one at you. However I think it’s important sometimes to be able to take a step back and separate your emotions from his. If he is bothered or upset by something you’ve done, it’s good for him to have space to express that - within reason - as not everyone is perfect all the time and it’s good to be able to be open and honest with people.

2. My older sister comes to mediate between us, and when I talk with her freely, she tells me that i keep repeating myself, for example I repeat the upsetting conversations, I repeat the hurtful things she used to tell me, and she gets angry with me and tell me she has a headache because of me and I feel guilty and regret opening up to her. I told her that her words (criticism) are like daggers in my heart.

I’m a little lost here, is your sister referring to things you bring up from the past, that you’d like to be able to discuss your hurt about? Not everyone is a safe person to open up to, it might be that your sister is such a person.

 

[Movingforward10]

The impression I get from your posts is that you want something from your family that they aren't giving you. And that may be what is going round and round in circles, fueling your hurt. Maybe it's about needing to accept that the relationships with them are going to be limited and your needs aren't going to be met there.

1- I can’t handle being yelled at or spoken to in a bothered tone, for example my brother, if I sense that he’s fed up with me and is talking with me in a bothered way, I’d get very upset and I’ll ask him why are you bothered with me what did I do? And I’d feel hurt, and then I don’t talk with him or look at him for days.. because I feel hurt.
what is this behavior of mine called? Am I being childish? I’m in my 30s by the way. I can’t help it I just get very upset and afraid when a family member is bothered with me with no apparent reason.

I think there is a lot for you to unpick here. The feeling of being affraid, I wonder if that comes from the past. And when you sense your brother is bothered by you, you're already anticipating the past and it's fueling things? Not to say you're doing things wrong or that he isn't doing things wrong.
I just wonder if everyone is stuck in a pattern of relating that isn't helping anyone. You can't change other people but you can change how you relate and react to them.

2. My older sister comes to mediate between us, and when I talk with her freely, she tells me that i keep repeating myself, for example I repeat the upsetting conversations, I repeat the hurtful things she used to tell me, and she gets angry with me and tell me she has a headache because of me and I feel guilty and regret opening up to her. I told her that her words (criticism) are like daggers in my heart.

Again I feel like this is a pattern that isn't helping you.
I wonder why you repeat the hurtful things she has said to you? It sounds like you are stuck and want her to be different, and want her to acknowledge the hurt she has caused you. But she has told and shown you every time that she won't. So it's accepting her for who she is and working on resolving your hurt within yourself.

think I’m repeating myself because I’m not getting the answer I’m looking for.

This is a powerful and positive thing to realise.
And the next step is acceptance you won't get the answer from your sister.
You have to resolve this within and for yourself

I love my family, but I’m very hurt by them

This is painful. Adlnd it's hard working through this hurt when they can't/won't. A lot of us here experience that. It is about accepting who they are and then us deciding about how and if we want to remain in a relationship with them. And to care for ourselves so that how they act has less impact on our emotions and wellbeing.

I feel like I need to feel loved and cared for and I’m not getting any support, whenever I open up it turns against me.

And this is important to realise. And again working on giving yourself this love and care. As the people you want it from are not able to provide it in the way you want it.


So it's not about being right or wrong.
But you building up your sense of self and your self care.

 

[Sunnydays1]

I’m a little lost here, is your sister referring to things you bring up from the past, that you’d like to be able to discuss your hurt about? Not everyone is a safe person to open up to, it might be that your sister is such a person.

Yes, she’s said very hurtful things to me the past few years, I tried to express to her how her criticism pierces through me and affects my self esteem and confidence, she doesn’t like it when I bring it up, she mocks me and wonders what good does it do for me to bring this up, basically asking me to let it go. The reason I still remember it is because she didn’t fix it by apologizing or at least saying that it isn’t true. The reason I’m affected by her criticism is because I trust her and we’ve had a very strong bond when I was younger.

You’re absolutely right, I’m now realizing that she’s not a safe person for me. And I’ll let go of her past judgments.

Thank you No More :)

 

[Friday]

I’m not asking for a diagnosis here I’m asking what is this condition.. is this a personality disorder?

That would be a diagnosis. In point of fact, the most serious and complex kind of diagnosis.

So, quite frankly? Wipe it off your list… until/unless… you spend several months and a few thousand bucks -on medical, neuro imaging, & psych-and end up with that diagnosis. Especially as you already have a diagnosis that includes overreacting, anxiety, and obliviousness/selfishness (on how what you’re doing is effecting others). IE PTSD. Assuming that, since you’re on a PTSD site, you do have PTSD.

***

Looking PURELY at the behaviours involved?

- Overreacting, repeating yourself /&/ spinning yourself up, & unaware of your effect on others when you’re doing those 2 things?

Is something you can work on.

I mean she could’ve told me “stop it you’ve said this already don’t repeat yourself” in a nice way.

How often do YOU interrupt people to tell them to STFU, they’ve already said this? Or even correct their speech whatsoever?

Meant literally, although I know it could read pejoratively, that’s not my intent.

^^^This is one of the guides I use in my own life to get around the defense mechanism of “THEY slipped because they’re clumsy/ careless/ irresponsible, but I slipped because there was ICE!” It’s a very human thing, which is essentially a “blame the victim” mindset that “other people do things for f*cked up reasons, whilst I/we have very explainable reasons”.

Once you’re aware of the self defense mechanism? You’ll see it ALL the time. “Toddler, left alone, falls out of window!” is the news headline, but the reality? Is that ALL toddlers are left alone, and nearly none in rooms without windows. Follow the story longer? 99/100 it’s amazing parents, and the kid was napping. They were only “left alone” for the 20min or so of their nap. Parents in the house and attentive. And? DEVASTATED. But? The self defense mechanism (that would never happen to MY kid!) paints them as abusive/neglectful/addicts/etc. Gone for hours and days at a time, kids in filth, etc. Nope. But? Totally normal, loving family, suffering tragedy… demands… blame. To protect ourselves from the idea it could happen to us. That tragedy strikes, not because we’re bad people, but because we’re… people.

So when I’m livid that someone else COULD HAVE XYZ!!! I ask myself how often I do that. Usually? That answer is never.

 

[Sunnydays1]

Thank you Movingforward10 your post is very helpful.

I’m feeling less triggered and calmer than yesterday, so I can absorb and understand the posts better.

“The impression I get from your posts is that you want something from your family that they aren't giving you.”

Correct %100 it’s time for me to give it up.

“Maybe it's about needing to accept that the relationships with them are going to be limited and your needs aren't going to be met there.”

It’s hard to accept it and it’s sad, I’ll try.

“I think there is a lot for you to unpick here. The feeling of being affraid, I wonder if that comes from the past.”

Yes all my difficulties right now are coming from the past :( thanks to an inexperienced unprofessional counselor who messed me up by trying to resolve my childhood traumas, resulted in anxiety and depression and sudden relational problems.

“You can't change other people but you can change how you relate and react to them. “

Yes, this is another new realization.

“I wonder why you repeat the hurtful things she has said to you? It sounds like you are stuck and want her to be different, and want her to acknowledge the hurt she has caused you. But she has told and shown you every time that she won't. “

Yes, she won’t acknowledge it and it’s fueling my hurt. I don’t understand why, seems like an egotistical behavior.

“So it's accepting her for who she is and working on resolving your hurt within yourself. “

Yes, going forward I’ll just accept my family members as they are, and not try and change how they behave towards me. Within boundaries.

“You have to resolve this within and for yourself “

How do I do this for myself? Can I do it without a therapist?

“This is painful. Adlnd it's hard working through this hurt when they can't/won't. A lot of us here experience that.”

This makes me feel less lonely.

“It is about accepting who they are and then us deciding about how and if we want to remain in a relationship with them.”

I want to be in a relationship with them, but I don’t want to keep getting hurt, I have a lot of wounds from them, by being negligent and insensitive and non-caring. What hurts more is that I care a lot about them, and I’m not met with the same feelings.

“And to care for ourselves so that how they act has less impact on our emotions and wellbeing. “
This should be my goal now.
Again, how do I reach this state?

“And again working on giving yourself this love and care. As the people you want it from are not able to provide it in the way you want it.”

I can give myself that? Does it work? I don’t know how, I’ll try. Although it’s more natural if it’s coming from others..

“So it's not about being right or wrong. But you building up your sense of self and your self care.”

Yes, is this place a good support for this topic? I am lacking emotional support in my life.

Thanks again for your help.

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
There’s a Help page on How to Use Quoting Functionsand also a Testing Forum if you want somewhere to practice!

 

[whiteraven]

The reason I still remember it is because she didn’t fix it by apologizing or at least saying that it isn’t true.

I know others have said this, but I'm going to repeat it. If she hasn't, she likely won't.

es, she won’t acknowledge it and it’s fueling my hurt. I don’t understand why, seems like an egotistical behavior.

And she likely won't. A similar thing happened with my sister, and I just had to back away from the relationship. You'll have no real idea "why" unless she tells you, and it's better to let it go than to make assumptions.

What hurts more is that I care a lot about them, and I’m not met with the same feelings.

Yeah...as someone said, lots of folks have experience with this. Takes a lot of working through to come to terms with it.

“You have to resolve this within and for yourself “

How do I do this for myself? Can I do it without a therapist?

There are tons of resources out there, but it sounds like you might benefit from talking to a professional.

 

[caroline_13]

Thank you Movingforward10 your post is very helpful.

I’m feeling less triggered and calmer than yesterday, so I can absorb and understand the posts better.

“The impression I get from your posts is that you want something from your family that they aren't giving you.”

Correct %100 it’s time for me to give it up.

“Maybe it's about needing to accept that the relationships with them are going to be limited and your needs aren't going to be met there.”

It’s hard to accept it and it’s sad, I’ll try.

“I think there is a lot for you to unpick here. The feeling of being affraid, I wonder if that comes from the past.”

Yes all my difficulties right now are coming from the past :( thanks to an inexperienced unprofessional counselor who messed me up by trying to resolve my childhood traumas, resulted in anxiety and depression and sudden relational problems.

“You can't change other people but you can change how you relate and react to them. “

Yes, this is another new realization.

“I wonder why you repeat the hurtful things she has said to you? It sounds like you are stuck and want her to be different, and want her to acknowledge the hurt she has caused you. But she has told and shown you every time that she won't. “

Yes, she won’t acknowledge it and it’s fueling my hurt. I don’t understand why, seems like an egotistical behavior.

“So it's accepting her for who she is and working on resolving your hurt within yourself. “

Yes, going forward I’ll just accept my family members as they are, and not try and change how they behave towards me. Within boundaries.

“You have to resolve this within and for yourself “

How do I do this for myself? Can I do it without a therapist?

“This is painful. Adlnd it's hard working through this hurt when they can't/won't. A lot of us here experience that.”

This makes me feel less lonely.

“It is about accepting who they are and then us deciding about how and if we want to remain in a relationship with them.”

I want to be in a relationship with them, but I don’t want to keep getting hurt, I have a lot of wounds from them, by being negligent and insensitive and non-caring. What hurts more is that I care a lot about them, and I’m not met with the same feelings.

“And to care for ourselves so that how they act has less impact on our emotions and wellbeing. “
This should be my goal now.
Again, how do I reach this state?

“And again working on giving yourself this love and care. As the people you want it from are not able to provide it in the way you want it.”

I can give myself that? Does it work? I don’t know how, I’ll try. Although it’s more natural if it’s coming from others..

“So it's not about being right or wrong. But you building up your sense of self and your self care.”

Yes, is this place a good support for this topic? I am lacking emotional support in my life.

Thanks again for your help.

My two cents: Give yourself space from them, spend time alone or with other people. In time, once you give up with needing to "fix" a relationship, things will start to make sense.