You may well be fueling his addiction by giving it so much attention. If you think about how lots of 18, 19 year old boys act they do the opposite of what authority wants them to because they’re an adult now. Lots of PTSDers do it to as a way to regain control. I echo what others have said about him being an adult, I can’t imagine any adult welcomes unsolicited advice about their love life or lack there of.
My advice, based on the comment that he doesn’t have friends, would be to try and find ways for him to get out and meet people so he can make some plutonic friends and then wouldn’t crave female companionship so much. Does he work? Could he volunteer? Does he have interests? Church group? Survivors therapy group in the area? Did he use to have friends and maybe could be encouraged to find them again? You can only encourage and help him locate people of like minds but it may go far to help with his troubles and allow him to feel secure enough to drop his addiction.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
His therapists ( he has two; A cognitive behavioral therapist and trauma therapist who is trained and certified in EMDR and SandTray therapy.)
The advice to us has been to take a more active role in his healing and recovery from the trauma (although I know that there really is no “recovery” just a new way of thinking and being because the abuse can’t be undone.)
We’ve been told that if circumstances were different, the advice would be different but that each situation is unique and “one size does not fit all.” So because he resides in our home and because we are all he has, it’s a different situation.
He doesn’t work currently, he was working but he lost his job several weeks ago.
We have suggested and one of his therapists has suggested numerous times that he look at local activities, which could be anything from a book club to a hiking club or whatever because that would present opportunities to meet friends. He refuses to do it.
It’s interesting that you talk about how he might be refusing to take out suggestions or the therapist’s suggestions (who have said on many many occasions that until he adequately addresses and works through the trauma he won’t be able to have a healthy relationship. I heard an expression many years ago, “The more you resist, the more it persists.” I suppose you could be correct that this is a way for him to regain control. But then again I do know that these types of risky sexual behaviors are extremely common in sexual abuse victims.
We did try the approach of not saying anything few weeks ago when he met a woman on a dating site/app and he met her at a hotel (very dangerous as you know) but we just said ok. Yet yesterday he told us the “lady” he’s “been seeing” (they’ve had two dates-one was for lunch and he was only gone for an hour and the other date was for a hike and he wasn’t gone long then either but anyway-she invited him over to her place to “cuddle” tonight. That time I asked him, do you think it’s safe to go to someone’s home that you just met and really don’t know? He said it’s fine. I said well it isn’t fine and it isn’t safe and really it doesn’t align with the values we raised you with. He said it said why isn’t this ok this time, I met someone i didn’t know at a hotel a few weeks ago and you and Dad were ok with it, you were supportive of me doing it. I said just because I didn’t say anything doesn’t mean I wa supportive of it. You’ve been told numerous times over the past 8 months that this is potentially dangerous, harmful, and not how we raised you. You’ve been told by us and your therapists many times. He said well “I’m going over there anyway.-is that ok?” I said it isn’t ok but we can’t stop you and whatever consequences you create, you’ll have to deal with. He said ok.
Just FYI he had a girlfriend a few years ago, they were together for I think a little over or around 3 years. He met her online. After their 3rd date, she asked him to move in with her and he did. He refused to use protection with her. He has been told a thousand times about that by us and his counselor about protecting himself. Yet he refused. At one point he came to me crying because he had something going on so to speak-he went to the doctor and got HPV from her. She had lived with 5 other men before they met-none of those relationships worked out for her. Anyway after he got the HPV and he told his therapist about it, the therapist and us AGAIN talked about protecting himself. Subsequently his counselor asked him if he was protecting himself and he said no!
He moved back home after 6 months. That kept getting back together and breaking up )but he didn’t move back in there). She treated hik terribly yet he continued to go back with her, spend all his money on lavish expensive dates like weekend getaway’s and so forth. She has a diagnosis of schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder. She was hospitalized a number of times. One time was because she left her apartment (they were broken up at the time) and hid in a park for almost 24 hours until she called an ambulance to go get her. They kept breaking up and getting back together.
As I initially said-he will literally go out with anyone -no matter how badly they treat him. The girlfriend before that physically assaulted him to the point we had to take him to the emergency room one time and yet-the next day was Valentine’s Day and he went over to her house and gave her a gift! She had serious psychiatric issues too-she assaulted her own father and went to jail for a few days over it. The only reason that broke up is because my husband talked to her. He was on the phone with her and we could overhear her screaming at him, calling hos awful names and he handed my husband the phone and he told her to stay away from him. Thankfully he didn’t go back to her.
I know that if he continues down this path-it’s only a matter of time before he either; contracts a more serious life threatening disease, gets someone pregnant, gets his wallet stolen. gets assaulted or worse. These people on these date sites can be anyone. They aren’t necessarily who they say they are. You could arrive for the date and it could be 5 men waiting there. Anyone can put up a picture of anyone and pretend to be someone else. And many of the people on these dating sites have malicious intentions. The police told him that. He was receiving death threats against him and us through those sites a couple months ago. We had to go to the police several times over the course of a week or so. The police told him numerous times how dangerous these dating sites are-and advised him to delete all of his information and delete all of the apps from his phone. They told him they get a ton of reports filed and complaints from people who were financially victimized by people on these sites and apps, people who were badly beaten, assaulted and worse. But it made no difference to him-he continued right on with this nonsense.
I’m sorry my posts are all over the place and hard to follow!
