Relationship PTSD friend blocked me

[Ptsdpal]

Within the last year I became online friends with a veteran with PTSD. We hit it off as friends and would chat often, even about ptsd, his dating struggles, family, etc. He knew I was married with kids. He never crossed a line. Until a we started talking more often and I gave him my number to text. Then he started texting every day. And I have that kind of texting style so I did the same. After a few weeks of intense texting, he said something off color and then said he needed a break. So I backed off and two days later we were talking. We got closer, he started flirting. I am currently grieving the loss of a parent so I will admit I flirted back. Then he snapped one day and said he wanted to go back to just being social media friends and that our friendship was unfair to him. So once again I backed off and a few days later he came back.
Things were good for a while. We eventually met up and unfortunately we did add a physical element to our friendship. But he didn’t pull away after that. It was purely a FWB situation. He never wanted me to leave my husband. But then he just changed to being apathetic and depressed.
I tried helping him promote a job he was trying and even convinced him to try a new career path. I got him the necessary info to get a certification so he could work.
I knew he was depressed but functioning. I checked in on him every day to see how he was feeling. Some days better than others.
One morning two weeks ago, I asked him to tell me one good thing about his day. He said knowing he had me in his life.
Then followed by wondering how he got there and not being comfortable. He said he didn’t know how our friendship would help him get a woman of his own. I told him I was helping him have a consistent friendship and that would help him in new relationships.
He told me he would take his chances.
He told me how wonderful I am and have a big heart and I should give my love to all I meet, just not him.
I tried to explain that’s not how love and friendship works.
We chatted later than day about something unrelated. He sent me funny reels in the early morning when he was up with nightmares.
Then by 7:30 he had blocked me from texting him. But he’s allowing me to use social media to reach him.
He says I’m not blocked, I’m restricted. He isn’t shutting me out.
But he hasn’t been communicating the last week.
At first I had to lick my wounds and thought it was a personal attack. But now I wonder if this is a ptsd response. He also cares for sick and disabled parents.

I may have overloved him by offering to do things for him that no one else ever did. I told him I could see when he was depressed. He said no one ever tried to understand him, they just said he wasn’t fun and left him.

I want so badly to let him know I’m his friend and I will stick it out but I don’t know if I should let him cool off.
Prior to texting, we would communicate through DMs and even often! So I wonder if the intensity of texts is too much and he feels safer with being able to log into social media and read when he wants as opposed to just the constant nagging of text?

I would like to be his friend. I could use a little guidance, though.

 

[Workingonit]

He wants something you cant give him and you remind him of what that is. For me its the idea of love and belonging that gets me the most. I dont feel like anybody will ever live up to it. You need to let him work thru it. He may come back, he might not, i dont know. What i do know is the more you push him the less he will engage with you. We all just want to loved especially when you are feeling hopeless and lost. You cant fix him or make him better.

 

[Ptsdpal]

I think you’re right. And maybe he allowed our friendship to fill a void.
Early on in our friendship he talked about girls who ditched him while he was deployed. And I said I would have been a good military girlfriend because I was loyal to my crushes back in the day. He said he knew I would have been and the thought had been in his head of how I would have been liked by his peers and impressed his higher ups and probably would have helped him get promotions. He had told me he wished he could find a single woman like me.

It just hit me like a ton of bricks when he put me on “restriction”.

I will say, he did date a friend of mine (which I didn’t know they were dating at the time, just that they were spending a lot of time together but I wasn’t talking to her that much back then) and the way he “restricted” me was loving and kind. But I found out after the fact that when he was done when her, he called her useless, told her she deserved to die alone and said she was unloveable
I don’t what prompted him to do that to her and handle me differently. And if it has any bearing on whether or not he wants to eventually get closer to me again. He hasn’t blocked me across all channels so maybe he just needs a break?

 

[Workingonit]

My exwife cheated on me in iraq while i was going thru some real traumatic things. War is hell. I associate the way she acted with how some women act. Not everyone wants a relationship. Some people just want to play. When i was dating, i stopped in 2018, i was 100% in it for a committed relationship. Women that didnt reciprocate my mentality were scum and women that did reciprocate and then didnt were worse than scum. Adulterers are the worst for me and the thought of me being a part of that or wanting to be a part of that would be devastating in more ways than you can possibly imagine. Maybe im way out of line but you may be hurting him indirectly. Im not the best person to ask as i was only diagnosed a little over a month ago but i have been living with this for 20 years. He needs to talk to his counselor and you need to give him space in my humble opinion.

I think you’re right. And maybe he allowed our friendship to fill a void.
Early on in our friendship he talked about girls who ditched him while he was deployed. And I said I would have been a good military girlfriend because I was loyal to my crushes back in the day. He said he knew I would have been and the thought had been in his head of how I would have been liked by his peers and impressed his higher ups and probably would have helped him get promotions. He had told me he wished he could find a single woman like me.

It just hit me like a ton of bricks when he put me on “restriction”.

I will say, he did date a friend of mine (which I didn’t know they were dating at the time, just that they were spending a lot of time together but I wasn’t talking to her that much back then) and the way he “restricted” me was loving and kind. But I found out after the fact that when he was done when her, he called her useless, told her she deserved to die alone and said she was unloveable
I don’t what prompted him to do that to her and handle me differently. And if it has any bearing on whether or not he wants to eventually get closer to me again. He hasn’t blocked me across all channels so maybe he just needs a break?

Also if i come of short or judgmental. I am sorry, just know, that my heart breaks for the both of you.

 

[Ptsdpal]

Also if i come of short or judgmental. I am sorry, just know, that my heart breaks for the both of you.

It’s okay! I am putting my story out to be scrutinized. And I think the physical aspect of our relationship was minor to the emotional. We were only together twice but had months of deep conversations via text.

I’m giving him a lot of space and trying to let him lead. The fact that he says he’s not shutting me out but has me on restriction leads me to believe he just needs a break and didn’t see another way to get it.

Maybe we got too close and he needs to put himself in check.
I’ve told him I hold space for my friends and have answered calls at midnight from those who needed me. But I wonder if in the back of his head he just sees that I’m not his exclusively.

I would never want to flatter myself into thinking he’s in love with me. But I do wonder if he’s been silently carrying very strong feelings for me. Hard to know.

 

[Workingonit]

If you treat him well, listen to him and accept him despite knowing his secrets? For me that would be everything. You should feel good about being a good person and stay a good person. I am not trying to assume what youre really feeling but i can say that if you were to act on feelings, if you had them, i would be highly surprised if he didnt hate himself and eventually you. In my mind, its lose-lose for everyone involved.

 

[Workingonit]

Ya, i just figured out what FWB is. Ya you may have opened a can of worms you werent ready prepared for... If he is anything like me, i really dont know. Good luck.

 

[Friday]

Ya, i just figured out what FWB is

The civvie version of f*ckbuddies… which. does. not. work. Like, ever.

 

[Workingonit]

The civvie version of f*ckbuddies… which. does. not. work. Like, ever.

I don't know the guy and can only speak from how I would feel. It wouldn't be good. For so many reasons.

 

[Friday]

I want so badly to let him know I’m his friend and I will stick it out but I don’t know if I should let him cool off.

Yep.

Full stop.

As evidenced by the fact that he blocked you.

Giving space to someone with PTSD? IS a loving act. The same way you would give space to someone puking in the toilet, instead of bringing them plate after plate of delicious food… and getting more and more violent rejections to doing so. From sweet, to annoyed, to irritated, to the door slammed in your face, to them up and leaving to go be miserable & happy/fine/well anywhere else.

You’re in the door slammed in your face part.

Next stage of being pushed away? Is worse.

But now I wonder if this is a ptsd response.

Maybe. Maybe not.

 

[Flying Dove]

Within the last year I became online friends with a veteran with PTSD. We hit it off as friends and would chat often, even about ptsd, his dating struggles, family, etc. He knew I was married with kids. He never crossed a line. Until a we started talking more often and I gave him my number to text. Then he started texting every day. And I have that kind of texting style so I did the same. After a few weeks of intense texting, he said something off color and then said he needed a break. So I backed off and two days later we were talking. We got closer, he started flirting. I am currently grieving the loss of a parent so I will admit I flirted back. Then he snapped one day and said he wanted to go back to just being social media friends and that our friendship was unfair to him. So once again I backed off and a few days later he came back.
Things were good for a while. We eventually met up and unfortunately we did add a physical element to our friendship. But he didn’t pull away after that. It was purely a FWB situation. He never wanted me to leave my husband. But then he just changed to being apathetic and depressed.
I tried helping him promote a job he was trying and even convinced him to try a new career path. I got him the necessary info to get a certification so he could work.
I knew he was depressed but functioning. I checked in on him every day to see how he was feeling. Some days better than others.
One morning two weeks ago, I asked him to tell me one good thing about his day. He said knowing he had me in his life.
Then followed by wondering how he got there and not being comfortable. He said he didn’t know how our friendship would help him get a woman of his own. I told him I was helping him have a consistent friendship and that would help him in new relationships.
He told me he would take his chances.
He told me how wonderful I am and have a big heart and I should give my love to all I meet, just not him.
I tried to explain that’s not how love and friendship works.
We chatted later than day about something unrelated. He sent me funny reels in the early morning when he was up with nightmares.
Then by 7:30 he had blocked me from texting him. But he’s allowing me to use social media to reach him.
He says I’m not blocked, I’m restricted. He isn’t shutting me out.
But he hasn’t been communicating the last week.
At first I had to lick my wounds and thought it was a personal attack. But now I wonder if this is a ptsd response. He also cares for sick and disabled parents.

I may have overloved him by offering to do things for him that no one else ever did. I told him I could see when he was depressed. He said no one ever tried to understand him, they just said he wasn’t fun and left him.

I want so badly to let him know I’m his friend and I will stick it out but I don’t know if I should let him cool off.
Prior to texting, we would communicate through DMs and even often! So I wonder if the intensity of texts is too much and he feels safer with being able to log into social media and read when he wants as opposed to just the constant nagging of text?

I would like to be his friend. I could use a little guidance, though.

My husband is a veteran. He come home from duty and found his wife in bed with another soldier. This was his first wife. This relationship ended in divorce. She is now 60 addicted to alcohol and most likely due to poor planning and addiction will soon be homeless. I am my husband's third wife. I am concerned by your post in terms of you being used etc. There are so many unsafe toxic people now. Please be safe. Can you learn about boundaries saying no etc? For your protection.

 

[nursenurse]

For a married person you are way too involved. For his sake stay away, you are bringing drama to both your lives, PTSD or not. It isn't friendship, you are only kidding yourself and leading him on. Turn your attention to your marriage. Fix that. Because from the sounds of it, it ain’t all that and a bag of chips. And if it is doomed, then leave and get yourself in order and minus baggage before you find someone else.