Childhood Considering Opening Up to My Family About a Past Mistake Involving My Sister

[Anono_]

I sexually abused my younger sister​

I am 21 years old. My sister is younger than me. And we have a great sibling relationship. She said she always struggled with her sexuality. And that unlocked a memory in me.

I remember when i was about 10 or 11 and she was 4/5 something around that age i used to watch “kissing videos” and i used to make her watch with me. It was like soft core porn. I have no recollection of how I discovered these videos and why i started watching them. And I didn’t realise how wrong that was back then but now it eats me up every day.

I cant do any sort of work or focus on anything all i can think about is how i am a disgusting human being for exposing her to that at a young age. I think i am the reason she struggled with her sexuality and i cannot forgive myself from that. The past few week i have been thinking about it non stop, i cant go to sleep easily. I never touched her but i remember once asking her to touch me but thankfully she refused. I think i was curious on what the people was doing in the video and wanted to see how it felt.

I didn’t realise it was wrong at that time but now I feel sick and disgusted at myself. But I think i knew watching those videos was wrong I just didn’t know at the time watching with her around is beyond messed up.I look at her now and feel so sad. This is someone I would protect with my whole life but i forgot how I didn’t protect her when i was 10 years old, i exposed her to something so gross.

Everytime I think about this gross thing i done I sometimes think i want to die. I keep thinking of ways to die non stop cause i can’t live with this guilt. I am not sure if she remembers. I haven’t told my parents yet since i am afraid it would ruin the family dynamics. i done something terrible .

I am thinking of bringing it up after she finishes her gcse exams this summer. I do not want to bring it up now and affect her grades. I’m not sure if seeking help is right considering im not the victim in this situation. I just don’t know what to do

 

[Sideways]

I’m not sure if seeking help is right considering im not the victim in this situation. I just don’t know what to do

Seek help.

This is causing you distress and dysfunction. Which is the exact reason anyone gets professional support.

I am thinking of bringing it up after she finishes her gcse exams this summer.

I’m not sure that talking to her about it is helpful to her if she hasn’t indicated it’s something she wants to talk about. Personally, I think that should be her call.

Have either of you been diagnosed with ptsd?

 

[Movingforward10]

Everything @Sideways said.

You've made the leap that her 'struggling' with her sexuality is a result of what happened between you. Why?

What does 'struggling' with her sexuality mean anyways? Do you mean she is exploring her identity and wondering what her sexuality is? That is very very common.

If you tell your family, what are you hoping to achieve? If it's to reduce your distress and ease the guilty feelings, I think that is highly unlikely to happen because you're bringing other people into the mix who will have a range of reactions that you will need to respond to. Getting support for yourself and talking it through and seeing how you can hold this differently for yourself seems the safest bet to reduce your distress.

 

[Anono_]

Thankyou for replying! I booked my first therapy session for next week and am looking into options of moving out. She views me as her favourite sister and the guilt is eating me up so I think distancing myself from the family and moving out would be the best option. I read on a forum two days ago that abuse can cause confusion in sexuality and identity and thats why I assumed it may be the actions of my younger self that caused this.

 

[arfie]

i am currently facing a similar ? ? ?crisis? ? ? with my two elder foster children, boy 10, girl 7. when these two were placed in my custody, they were 6 and 3. the extent to which they clung to one another was profound. they had spent a heartbreaking number of hours in domestic war zones harsh enough to get neighbors calling for intervention. there was not a hint of sexuality in their bonds of desperation. as their bonds shifted from desperation to discovering their personal selves, i bet you already guessed one of the things they began to explore about their individual natures.

fast forward to a night not too long ago when i discovered the brother, his bestest bud and little sis exploring the theme so many pre-adolescents of both genders are achingly curios about . 10 year olds are far nearer adolescence than 7 year olds. little sis wasn't as curious as big bro and his bud. she was not having fun. big bro was far quicker to recognize that fact. by the time i walked in on the scene, big bro was hiding in the closet and the best bud was looking like a porn star. yes, i suspect he is receiving advanced sex ed at home. he all too often speaks of things his best bud hasn't been exposed to. i am nowhere near ready to list that boy on a sexual predator website.

i wish with all my heart and soul that the boys would open up on the subject. little sis opened up like a hurt and trusting child. my mom sense believes she has healed and filed it under, "lesson learned." that lesson isn't over yet, but it be a very complex lesson. at 69, i'm still studying and all too often feel like an ignorant beginner.

both boys are still clammed tighter than a featured villain on a sexual predator watch list. i am worried. as serious as the event was, the wounds won't heal by placing dirty bandages over the wounds. let us cleanse those wounds before we put on the fresh bandages of love and learning. just wishing and praying. . .

i don't have any sage wisdom for either one of us, but? ? ? perhaps we can learn together? just wishing. . .
healing hopes for all. no exceptions.

for what it's worth
we haven't solved that piece of the puzzle yet, but the siblings seem to be regressing to a new and improved version of that desperate bond the shared way back when. little sis was quite bewildered when her big bro started pulling away from her. she sure is happy that big bro is acting like he likes her again.

 

[{hot~tea}]

I know you asked your sister to touch you, but you never forced her to and that is the important difference to remind yourself. I think that it's pretty normal for tweens to explore sexual touch, and it makes sense that if you don't know any better you would ask a sibling, since family feels safe. The important thing is that you know better now. Since you now have a therapy appointment coming up, I would maybe explore the possibility of opening up the topic of discussion to your sister, to see what SHE thinks. After all, her experience with her own sexuality is her own story to tell. Maybe her struggles have nothing to do with you. Maybe the videos contributed to her struggles in some way shape or form. But that's life. Nobody is perfect and everybody has to face their own sexual coming out at some point in their life. I think that this self guilt you feel is one sided and unfair to you. You can understand that something might be inapropriate as an adult and still have grace that childrens sometimes make mistakes when they don't know better.

 

[Friday]

What do you wish to accomplish?
What good would it do?

^^^ These are the questions I ask myself before telling anyone, anything.

Another good gut-check is THINK before you speak.

Is it:

True
Helpful
Inspirational
Necessary (or)
Kind?

Telling your family wholesale? Has the potential to do a lot of harm, not only to you, but to your sister. If you want to punish yourself? That’s a fair course of action, as long as you ALSO wish to punish your sister. Which it doesn’t seem to be something you would want to happen.

So that doesn’t meet either of my personal requirements. It just dumps your guilt into the public trough, for other people to do whatever the hell they want with.

My suggestion would be to work with a therapist, with the idea being to bring your sister into therapy with you… if and only if… the therapist agrees that’s the best course of actikn.

 

[Weemie]

Let your sister come to you. I'll be a bit blunt, here: often times, our desire to apologize isn't coming from a place of care for the other person but rather as an attempt to soothe our own distress. Apologies are necessary, but they need to come from a place of genuine desire to make things better for the other person, not from selfishness. There's a lot of people that I've harmed in my life, but reaching out to them and apologizing doesn't serve any purpose but to assuage my own guilt. It's not about them, it's about me. You need to take care of yourself, let your sister worry about herself. If she feels it necessary to get an apology from you, she will tell you so.