Not Getting Anywhere

[zeldazonk]

Hi All
I just feel absolutely stuck. I have little in the way of memories of my trauma (abuse) and I still have a very strong aspect of myself that just doesn't quite believe it. It's hard to believe when memories are scarce right?
When I do have what I think are memories, they are either purely an emotional / sensory kind of thing OR images, knowings etc. I think that, because there's no emotion attached to the memories that are more like what I think of as 'real' narrative memories, I just can't really believe them on a deep level.

This means I never get anywhere. I go back and forth believing and not believing. I'm so frustrated.
I saw they're doing MDMA trials with PTSD and I wish I could do something like that just to MOVE something.

I mentioned this to my therapist and she says we can do it (access memories & emotions) without drugs. She went through intensive primal scream work herself when she was in her early 20's and it helped her a lot. (that's not exactly what she's recommending for me)

She has this great padded room where you can move around and make noise. I think we would be working in there, just going within and staying with images / dreams / feelings.
The only thing is, we've done a little bit of this and I come away sort of feeling ambivalent about the accuracy of images that come up because I feel like we're intentionally sitting there trying to get memories. You know what I mean?

When I read about people having spontaneous memories accompanied by sensations & emotion - I think - "that's what I want. Then I'd believe it."

Any thoughts appreciated.
Thanks, Zel.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi Zel,

Oh gosh, I have told therapists how much I would love a padded, soundproofed room :)

The not quite believing it is a very common, very powerful "problem". It's part of denial that is a powerful defense mechanism that many of us can struggle with. You don't need to force anything, just continue on in therapy. When your psyche feels safe enough to drop defenses the memories will come in ways that are profound, undeniable and often can be validated by others.

It's very powerful and healing to begin to not only have the memories that fit into the puzzle amazingly, but to also have the experience of memories verified.

Good luck, and I hope you'll post often.

What kind of gorgeous flower is that in your picture? Is that a night-blooming cereus? Lovely!
Warmly,
Deer

 

[zeldazonk]

Thanks Deer

Everything you say is true. I'm just so split in two...very frustrating.
I'm probably madly resisting while at the same time wishing memories would come.
I find it EXTREMELY hard to 'let go'.
It is a night-blooming cereus! - until now I only knew it as a Moon Flower.

Thanks again, Zel.

 

[KP the nut]

Everything you say is true. I'm just so split in two...very frustrating.
I'm probably madly resisting while at the same time wishing memories would come.
.

I could have written that.

Welcome to the forum,

I have lived my past year (and I know others have lived with it longer) as if in a dream. Everything that happened, didn't happen to me and it is so fresh it won't go away.

Very slowly I am coming out of it. I am realising that it was me, I nearly died and it is OK to feel how I did. I am remembering things, but it is slow work. Thank goodness for my T. During sessions when I've had to stop he has been able to bring me back and ground me. Like you if I could just remember what exactly happened I think it would help but for now (maybe forever) my brain has decided the memory is too intense and I must adjust to that.

Personally I would hate a padded room, I am too controlled, to scared of letting go, I've spent my life controlling my feelings, hiding the real me, I can't scream and shout, just on the inside.

This forum, this community of friends has helped me realise I'm not alone, mad or crazy. That what I feel is normal for PTSD. That it is OK to have triggers, they remind me to use grounding techniques and have just chatted when things are tough.

Like pets, PTSD is for life not just Christmas. It takes time, I will never be the way I was but I will regain control of my life. Small baby steps.

((HUGS)) if you will accept them
KP

 

[zeldazonk]

I am too controlled, to scared of letting go, I've spent my life controlling my feelings, hiding the real me, I can't scream and shout, just on the inside.

Thanks KP
This describes me perfectly. Do you see this as a reaction to trauma or just part of your nature?
For me it's reaction to trauma. I'm hyper-aroused almost all the time. I wish I could let go though.
I froze during my adult trauma and I feel like I've never unfrozen.

My T is really trying to get me to move and vocalise (to unfreeze I guess) and I can't do it in front of anyone. I can't really even feel it in front of anyone.
When a feeling spontaneously comes up & I'm alone - then I can do some movement & vocalising.

I totally understand her (my T's) thinking behind it and think it would be great but it does mean that I feel some pressure when I go to therapy, and some failure as well, coz I'm not shifting much.
I wonder whether I should see someone else...but then I think that could counter-productive.

Anyway, Thanks for listening (reading)
Zel.

 

[KP the nut]

I am too controlled, to scared of letting go, I've spent my life controlling my feelings, hiding the real me, I can't scream and shout, just on the inside.

Thanks KP
This describes me perfectly. Do you see this as a reaction to trauma or just part of your nature?
For me it's reaction to trauma. I'm hyper-aroused almost all the time. I wish I could let go though.
I froze during my adult trauma and I feel like I've never unfrozen.
.

Hi Zel, I have also been frozen since my adult trauma.

The locked up feelings are from childhood, don't do anything to cause trouble, don't be upset. Don't show emotion, I'm improving but in a very controlled way.

You are with friends now and friends listen and care
KP

 

[zeldazonk]

I'm improving but in a very controlled way KP

Lol I love it!
I hate being this controlled and at the same time, I think if this wasn't such a strong coping mechanism for me, my life would (outwardly) be a real train wreck - it would actually mirror what it's like on the inside I guess.
I mean I have friends whose lives have become even more traumatic / chaotic due to drugs, alcohol etc.

KP, did you have trauma in your childhood as well?
Thanks, Zel.

 

[Heather]

Hi Zelda -
I can completely relate to your frustration. I would continually say to my therapist that I needed to know what happened to me the summer before I went into the 6th. grade. I had no memory of it and that was the last summer my sister and I saw our dad in Md. I know he DID something to me. Up until that point I've only had very fuzzy memories and what I do remember I tend to not believe.

I also told my therapist that I know that when I do remember what really happened I would KNOW it for sure. Well, I should be careful what I wish for. About a month ago I had the most horrendous flashback. The terror was indescribable. There was someone on top (pretty sure it was my dad) of me and I was being smothered. There was a hand over my face and I couldn't breath, I was being raped. While I was having the flashback I literally couldn't breath, I was being smothered.

This has been a long time coming. I've been having flasbacks for the past 20 years (wow, you know you're getting old when you can talk about your life in decades). Your mind won't allow you to remember this stuff unless your ready. That flashback lasted less than 5 seconds and for 2 weeks I was an emotional wreck. I was sobbing uncontollably on the phone for 45 minutes with my therapist telling him, "I take it back! I don't want to know. I can't handle this. It's too much"

This is just my experience. I don't know if it helps at all but the memories will come when they're ready. Take care. Heather

 

[zeldazonk]

Thanks so much Heather.

I have to remember to come back to this forum regularly. Talking to people like you reminds me where I'm at.

A couple of years ago, I had two or three really intense flashbacks - ones where there's no way I could doubt what they were about - just sheer terror. Afterwards, I got some images.
This was quite a 'productive' time in that I was focused and in touch with my trauma which lets me understand myself so much better. I believe these flashbacks happened because of some homeopathic medicine I was taking at the time.
I've since asked my homeopath to let me take that remedy again to see if I get more flashbacks, but she won't let me.
I don't think it was meant to be quite that full on - but it was, at least, progress...

Zel.