Two very different options and stuck between

[Midnightmoon]

I've found myself stuck between two very different therapist options and I'm going round in circles as to which one is the 'right' choice. Any thoughts are very very welcome...

I had 2.5 years of very relationally based therapy which ended awfully in abrupt therapist abandonment about a year ago. For 6 months I was adament I never, ever doing therapy again. But I got worse, and worse and worse until I dragged myself into the process again. Approaching people has been exhausting I've had over 15 nos from therapists before finding two that said yes, so I guess I feel so much pressure to get it right. I've got a CPTSD diagnosis and DID pending. Also complex physical disability, just to make it all easier I have very limited income and therapy puts me into debt, which doesn't help either.

Option one is a specialist in DID who works psychodynamic/ analytically. Has more years of experience than I've been alive.

Pros: offers a very reduced fee to be seen for two appointments a week, will text to check in of needed by the younger parts, not phased by my 'complexity' that so many others seem to be, very experienced, first person to identify DID and know what to do about it- (works for two national centres), would try and help get me funding to have long term therapy for free. Really flexible with dates if needed

Cons: online only, no options for creative expression that I really miss, also hard when I dissociate as I can lose the whole session and she can't ground me very effectively via a screen. (Usually rely on touch/ proximity, when I've gone I don't even register the computer is there). I struggle with the analytical take, less 'human/ warm' and can be quite forceful.

Option two is a complex trauma specialist. Works very relationally and creatively. About 5 years experience.

Pros: Very very human, can use creative stuff no problem as is face to face, very gentle. Feels just like therapy did before it went wrong before. I feel more seen/ known/ understood. I like being away from home to speak, on zoom my privacy is very compromised.

Cons: no reduced fee, seen once a week with no other contact, no option of funding, limited flexibility

It should be a no brainer for option one surely?! But I feel so much more at ease with option two. But is someone being so warm and caring worth long term debt. Argh!

 

[Friday]

Where I come from? Flipping a coin is sacred.

But?

Before you uncover the flipped coin, you will know the true desires of your heart, by which side you wish to front.

 

[Sideways]

Could you do option 1, and use option 2 as motivation to seek out an arts centre you could join?

Here, there’s loads of community-organisation based art groups and classes at different community centres throughout the city, and they’re usually very light on the pocket. Some of the disability organisations, mental health organisations, youth centres, womens centres and sexual assault recovery centres do art groups as well, which are often free.

 

[Movingforward10]

Which ever you decide: you can always change your mind and try out the other one? I can imagine you might not want to re start yet again. But just to say: that a decision doesn't need to be a one time thing.

To throw in the mix: 'they' say that the success of therapy is based in the relationship you have with the therapist. Which sounds you have gotten a sense of with 2, and the in person is giving you a reassurance that this will help you. Whereas those things are emissing in 1?

Tricky decision.
But also: great to have options.

If it were me: I would try number 1. Given their experience. The financial element. The additional sessions and contact between. And find ways to overcome the sense of lack of connection and safety with online. What else would help online? If the therapist can't actually touch you to help ground , can there be conversations about it like he would say if you needed that in that moment, him acknowledging that and working together for you to be tactile to yourself to help reconnect to your body?

 

[Midnightmoon]

Where I come from? Flipping a coin is sacred.

But?

Before you uncover the flipped coin, you will know the true desires of your heart, by which side you wish to front.

And this is it. My gut feeling wants two. And my brain interrupts it and goes don't be an idiot, option one is the most sensible choice by far!

 

[Movingforward10]

And this is it. My gut feeling wants two. And my brain interrupts it and goes don't be an idiot, option one is the most sensible choice by far!

Trust your gut?

 

[Midnightmoon]

Could you do option 1, and use option 2 as motivation to seek out an arts centre you could join?

I really like the idea of finding more creative stuff, thank you, definitely something to try and find.

I do an arty thing online but its limiting again as it's still on zoom and feels a bit isolating. I'd struggle with big groups but something small and supportive that got me out of the house would be ideal. About 18 months ago I went to a community college and tried an art course there but had a massive flashback and fled the room. They sent me a lovely but firm email after saying they didn't think it was the right thing for me and not to return, so I guess I've been a bit cautious since...

Whereas those things are emissing in 1?

Yep, I can't seem to build a relationship yet with one, I feel very detached and removed from her, where as two I am instantly warming too.

If it were me: I would try number 1

This is my current thought process and I've been doing that for a few months, hoping I feel more sure in my decision either way. Push has come to shove as option two has returned from long term leave of sickness and offered me to start... And now I have to make a decision...

find ways to overcome the sense of lack of connection and safety with online

This is a good point to consider, somehow finding some language that can get me back, wasting the whole session, over and over, because I've gone in the first few minutes is so frustrating

 

[Movingforward10]

It sounds a lot that your connection, your sense of 'this will help me', your sense of being contained in the session, your understanding of the priority for you in terms of your needs: all lead to number 1.....?


My suggestion of Number 1 is prob very much underpinned by me doing online and finding connection. So ignore me about that!

 

[Movingforward10]

Ah sorry, I am getting 1 and 2 mixed up!
My first paragraph above was meant to say number 2. Your connection etc.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Ah sorry, I am getting 1 and 2 mixed up!
My first paragraph above was meant to say number 2. Your connection etc.

Yeah I guessed!

Option 1 feels like the sensible, 'brain talking/ adult parts' choice. Financial, practically and logically I know she is very very skilled in what I need her to be. Option two has thrown the cat among the pigeons as for the first time in a year when I spoke to her I was back in that warm, lovely holding head space that I just haven't got in the last few months with option one.

 

[No More]

So personally I’d pick No1.
Reason being, more experience (can never have enough experience, like vital to have had years of actual working experience). I don’t think 5 years is actually that much, practically, when it comes to complex trauma.

Secondly, are you picking option two because she feels like your old therapist? And not on her own merits? I often find when I go looking to replicate the same thing again, it ends in disaster. Accept the previous relationship for what it was, it’s ending, and try something different? Are you always going to be judging her against old therapist would have done x and your doing y?

Perhaps just my own personal stuff - I would have firmer boundaries than 1 on no contact outside of sessions. Text and email lead to just disaster after disaster, *in my opinion* it’s a poor way of conducting effective therapy.

I think sideways suggestion of supplementation is a very good one and definitely worth following up! This might be a great way of finding that warmth and creativity outside of session while building in lots of extra supports.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Secondly, are you picking option two because she feels like your old therapist?

They are the same style, which is very niche, so there will always be an element of comparison. But equally I do that with option one, when I say something and she completely misses it/ goes from an analyst perspective I naturally yearn for the warm/ human/ compassionate response rather than a Freudian one..

no contact outside of sessions

Yep, I get this is a contentious issue for many people. They follow the clinics policy (which is based on years of working with people with complex trauma and DID) that outside contact improves the overall therapeutic alliance and experience. In my early days of therapy I was actively encouraged to contact in-between as part of stabilisation. Not for everyone I know, and I challenged it for months. But when I just let myself try it actually really helped...