I did not expect such a big response, thank you all. it's appreciated.
I will try to not clutter this
There’s no amount of repetition of it that will bring closure (from someone who has had a red hot go). The trauma you went through will still be there, and it will still require healing.
It will hurt less with time.
more and more, i believe that feelings are neither valid nor invalid. they just are, whether based on accurate or inaccurate information. punishing myself for how i feel has yet to help. the more erroneous the feeling, the more true this appears to be in my own case.
The times I thought about repeating situations and went ahead with it, I wanted to prove to myself that I could be stronger and handle it better this time around. I was just being overly critical of myself and retraumatizing myself as a result.
I'm sorry the belief has hurt you more. You're all right though, I'm turning on myself trying to achieve something impossible. More/different abuse and distress just feels as if it will fit neater into the box to put it away. Which it won't. I think I'm full of it so anything
other than what I actually experienced will "make more sense". Line my emotional and lived experience up correctly. It would be cruel to treat someone else of the same trauma like this, but for me the distortion makes sense.
i'm not some broken wretch. i am merely a human who made a merely human mistake. how harshly should i punish myself for being human?
I like this
As I recall, your abuse was by a woman, right? I know my mind does this thing where it will up the anti of the bad things that have happened. It’s like it knows what will trigger me and will choose to show me those exact things.
In the case of those thoughts, you can say that did not happen. “I wasn’t raped by a man and the likelihood of that happening in the present is very low. It would have to be a freak thing.” You can challenge the thoughts instead of the emotions.
Not a fear but a "want", diary excerpts for additional context
I also think about my abuser hurting me significantly sometimes, but thinking about someone else doing it makes me feel more deranged. Hence mentioning it.
generally the sexual abuse wasn't painful, my distortion is that it only counts (For Me) if it hurts. Physically.
It's an obstacle I keep falling over. I don't think I care for myself unless it's a tangible wound. Otherwise I don't tend to it,
But yes, she was a woman. Thankfully my relationship with men is mostly intact fear wise, but platonic intimacy with anyone is difficult. And everyone is frightening when I'm venerable. I need to be fully, fully conscious and clothed. Struggling this summer because ditching long sleeved hoodie is so difficult.
Writing a brief outline or worry in a book and closing the book and leaving it there. Again telling myself I don't need to think about that, I will leave that thought in that notebook, and now go and do what I want to do.
I think I'll use this idea, thank you. To stop it festering. In my online journal because I don't want a psycical copy at home.
And baby steps. Like @Sideways says, what if you tell yourself you deserve to feel clean, so maybe have a shower if that's what you want to do. Or make a plan or agreement with yourself that you will do one small act of self care a day. Whether that is brushing teeth, or washing clothes, or washing yourself, or making food, or washing a plate etc etc etc.
what would happen if you did the opposite to what your brain is telling you and, for example, you allowed yourself to shower?
And no need for massive changes. Just little ones. Maybe showering is too much, but you can wash your face? Or if making a meal is too hard, what about a snack? Slow and steady wins the race.
Someone here mentioned in a post having wipes or doing a sponge bath. I don’t know if you’ve been doing these things but when my mind and body feel too painful to go through a shower, I have wipes and/or a hypochlorite acid spray I use. I feel cleaner and it definitely helps to not have to worry about smelling or being itchy, which will make me feel worse about myself.
It's not about depriving myself. I find showering taxing in the best of times. I need the spoons for it but with feeling like I do currently there aren't many to go around. Ironically I showered a lot during my abuse.
These are good suggestions, I like doing the "full hog" and no less, but flexibility would be useful. As much as I let it happen I don't like feeling dirty. I need to do proper maintenance soon though, I am finding dust balls in my hair.
I need to trim it but would not like to have to cut it short for ease of care.
Slow and steady wins the race. Reaching out to help lines is a good step, and maybe you have an in-real-life human to reach out to next? a friend, neighbor, therapist?
@Dark.Green.Feathers, I'm sorry you're suffering so much. It's a truism that once the box is opened, we feel a lot worse before we feel better. But eventually we do feel better.
What happened to you was not your fault in any way, shape, or form. You don't have to prove to yourself, or to us, that it happened and that it was terrible - we believe you.
I can't remember if you have a therapist or not. You might want to try talking to someone in your real life about what happened to you - someone who will believe and support you. This is a very heavy burden to carry alone.
@somerandomguy thank you, it means a lot.
Re: therapist, I'm anxiously searching for one. Someone we know may be able to give some recs that suit my needs.
Re: family/friends/trusted someone. My dad knows a limited amount -enough to have made me move back home-, and a trusted friend knows the basic gist of it all. They know I'm sick but I haven't shared much. I need to because look at me but as you know, it's hard.
I have a sibling who I trust a lot. I just don't know what the reaction would be so I'm nervous about that. Might be a good idea though.
Maybe I should edit my post. Maybe my language wasn’t clear enough.
