my dreams are dying a slow death

[maybeiamabear]

so well, life feels meaningless at this point - things are not panning out the way I imagined since the last couple of months and well, i expected so. i expected life not to swing in the direction i planned and imagined and yet this uncertainity has weighed so heavy on my heart. until now i used to believe that a lot of problems in our family and the trauma i have experienced came from my mother as she had undiagnozed psychosis and schizophrenia. it's not at twenty seven i am realising that my father had a massive role to play in all of this. it breaks my heart to know that he is manipulative and would choose to be his dishonest self to get away things he does not want to do and will not take any responsibility whatsoever. i feel endlesslessly tired of supporting them, it feels like i have slowly become dead inside, my dreams are dying a slow death. and people i thought would be around - well no one will really get it, they will never. get it.

 

[Movingforward10]

This is grieving and accepting the reality of your family?
As hard and painful as it is, realising the truth about relationships can free you.
You can pick new dreams. New relationships.

As someone who had to accept my family would never change, I understand the heart ache. And the loneliness. But, we can pick our chosen family. We can be the change.

 

[maybeiamabear]

This is grieving and accepting the reality of your family?
As hard and painful as it is, realising the truth about relationships can free you.
You can pick new dreams. New relationships.

As someone who had to accept my family would never change, I understand the heart ache. And the loneliness. But, we can pick our chosen family. We can be the change.

How though? I live in Asia and here the culture is very different. The pressure of getting married by thirty. And I have no one around me I could call my chosen family..Guess will have to fight through that also.

 

[Movingforward10]

How though?

How to accept? Or how to find a 'chosen family'?
How to accept: it's really hard. Painful. But sounds like you are on the journey of it. Awareness is the first step. Then I think you need to work through the grieving process to get to healing.
Finding relationships to help replace the ones of your family? Difficult too. It takes time to develop relationships and this, in my view, is a life long endeavour.

live in Asia and here the culture is very different. The pressure of getting married by thirty.

I'm don't understand the pressure of getting married and the link to understanding the role you dad has played along with your mum. Are you saying that you want to be married now or there is pressure too, and your family is impacting that too?

 

[arfie]

success is getting what you want. happiness is wanting what you get. ~anonymous
i'm stubborn enough to get what i want on a fairly routine basis. i have yet to be happy with what i got. rather, i have learned to be careful what i wish for because i just might get it. what do you do when a dream comes true and it's not quite what you planned?

somewhere along my winding way i decided to go for the happiness and start taking life on life's own terms. it turns out that is much easier to say than to do. works still in progress. . . you mentioned a few of the obstacles i have discovered in the effort.

things are not panning out the way I imagined since the last couple of months and well, i expected so. i expected life not to swing in the direction i planned and imagined and yet this uncertainity has weighed so heavy on my heart.

when i manage to get what i want, that habitual uncertainty still hangs on. the expectation that life will not swing in the direction i planned keeps me more focused on dodging bullets than seizing the moment.

until now i used to believe that a lot of problems in our family and the trauma i have experienced came from my mother as she had undiagnozed psychosis and schizophrenia. it's not at twenty seven i am realising that my father had a massive role to play in all of this.

i **know** the blame game solves nothing, but i keep on playing, anyway. when i point a finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointed back at me. the three fingers pointed back at me are where i find my solutions. does it matter where the problems originate. solutions ride a different logic stream.

well no one will really get it, they will never. get it.

nope, no one will really get it. not even me. when i am busy agonizing, i can be certain i am missing important details. learning how to let the mystery be. which ^it^ am i and/or the world around me not getting? more and more i believe that the complex weave of life is beyond the comprehension of the puny human brain. life is as life is, whether i or the world around me understands ^it^ or knot.

 

[Hedge]

It can be extremely hard to find the life that we want or maybe need. Our past does come into focus here but l believe that we can slowly alter our response to the past. I always dreamed of having a partner who l could be with forever. Then I met such a person and was with them for 30 years. Five years into the relationship, they developed a mental illness but it was manageable for the next 25 years. But then one day I came home from work (this was in 2021) and I found them dead by suicide.
Do I blame others from their past whose actions would have contributed? Or do I deal with what I have to deal with now? To me, I have to deal with The Now and allow the past demons to continue with their sleep for, to awaken them is simply to invite the past issues back into reality and to haunt us all again. However, we do need to acknowledge the past and yet try again to not allow that past to control us now.