Childhood Recognizing and Escaping the Scapegoat Role

[deno]

When dealing with “scripts & schemas” the only way I’ve ever found effective in escaping roles OTHER PEOPLE have assigned me? Is to change my environment… be around other people, in other places.

Roles I’ve assigned to myself, however? Are harder & more complex. Even if that seems counterintuitive.

***

One of my classes assigned watching This movie (Just Friends, Ryan Reynolds, if the link doesn’t work for you) when we first started studying scripts & schemas; if you’d like something dead accurate, but lighthearted/comedic, instead of super heavy.

That particular professor was reeeeeally good at 360 degree teaching… as scripts & schemas apply to ALL kinds of human relationships, not just roles people get locked into in abuse, trauma, assholery, etc.. So whenever we were studying ABC as it relates specifically to XYZ? They would counterbalance that specific focus, so that we could see how it applied to DEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVW. Which made it even easier to laser focus on they myriad potential problems/solutions of the narrowed focus. As a “Here’s how it happens even in the best of times in the most loving families, long term friends/enemies, & the newest/briefest of interactions” makes “So what happens to this very human thing…. when we add in… abuse, addiction, refugees, politics, disorders, conditions, cultures, careers, etc., etc., etc.?” Kinda like knowing a song means one can still recognise it with different tempos, played off key, with the words changed around, played on different instruments, etc., as well as gaining a deeper appreciation & understanding of it played well, and the ability to predict what various components changed around will sound like. Death Metal played on a kazoo???

Just watched and enjoyed Just Friends' humorous exploration of how deeply ingrained roles and expectations (scripts and schemas) can influence behavior. It's a stark reminder of the importance of self-awareness.

So far I’ve relied on Bible verses God is real, but I don’t know as that I’m going all Jesus freak on u. I am grateful for what I have. I’ve been molested, by a man whom still lives with me so it’s like constant PTSD. I am an addict so when people gas light me or downgrade me I automatically feel like I’m imploding. Just thought I would blow that.

That’s a lot to carry, and I just want to acknowledge that. Living with someone who has caused you harm while trying to hold onto any sense of peace sounds like an ongoing battle. The fact that you’re still here, still expressing yourself, and still seeking to make sense of it all speaks volumes.

When dealing with “scripts & schemas” the only way I’ve ever found effective in escaping roles OTHER PEOPLE have assigned me? Is to change my environment… be around other people, in other places.

Roles I’ve assigned to myself, however? Are harder & more complex. Even if that seems counterintuitive.

***

One of my classes assigned watching This movie (Just Friends, Ryan Reynolds, if the link doesn’t work for you) when we first started studying scripts & schemas; if you’d like something dead accurate, but lighthearted/comedic, instead of super heavy.

That particular professor was reeeeeally good at 360 degree teaching… as scripts & schemas apply to ALL kinds of human relationships, not just roles people get locked into in abuse, trauma, assholery, etc.. So whenever we were studying ABC as it relates specifically to XYZ? They would counterbalance that specific focus, so that we could see how it applied to DEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVW. Which made it even easier to laser focus on they myriad potential problems/solutions of the narrowed focus. As a “Here’s how it happens even in the best of times in the most loving families, long term friends/enemies, & the newest/briefest of interactions” makes “So what happens to this very human thing…. when we add in… abuse, addiction, refugees, politics, disorders, conditions, cultures, careers, etc., etc., etc.?” Kinda like knowing a song means one can still recognise it with different tempos, played off key, with the words changed around, played on different instruments, etc., as well as gaining a deeper appreciation & understanding of it played well, and the ability to predict what various components changed around will sound like. Death Metal played on a kazoo???

the approach really is about stripping things down to their essence—almost like reverse-engineering a concept so you can see how it gets repackaged or distorted. It’s wild how something that seems so rigid can start to feel flexible once you analyze it from the ground up.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I think being flexible is key to healing PTSD as much as it can be healed. I have to be flexible enough to open up to how things are, my part in it and the part of others. I have to look at all my adaptations and alter them where needed. I have to be flexible enough to really understand my screwy emotions and strive to healing them.

 

[mjb]

Thank you for sharing this. It takes incredible self-awareness to recognize that scapegoating didn’t just happen in childhood—it followed you into adulthood, shaping how you were treated in your own family. The fact that you’ve identified it and are setting boundaries now is huge. You’re absolutely right—every human being deserves basic decency, and it’s not selfish to demand that.

I relate to what you’re saying about realizing things only in the past few months. When you finally see the pattern for what it is, it’s a relief but also devastating—because you recognize how long you’ve allowed yourself to be treated as less than. I’ve spent years trying to make sense of being scapegoated in my family. At this point, I fully understand the dynamics—narcissistic control, borderline black-and-white thinking, and manipulation designed to push me out. The people responsible will never acknowledge what they’ve done, and others still believe their version of events. I know I can’t fix it or get justice, but I still struggle with the emotional weight of it all.

So I’m curious—how do you emotionally detach when you know you’ve been intentionally scapegoated and excluded, but there’s no way to change the outcome? Was there a shift in perspective that helped? Or something else that worked for you?

I did not allow a thing, the toxic family did this, not me. I dont understand that from you, but a change is needed

It just plain hurts when it happens. For example I was not allowed to go to my youngest son’s college graduation, numerous family trips, etc. now I draw attention to it by asking why I am being treated as a second class family member. If I am out with one of the kids and they start scolding me I politely ask them for a ride home or if I drove myself I just leave. Once I saw it for what it is I had to refuse that kind of treatment, it is a bright
Line for me. I think eventually they will get it, maybe not.

they wont, cant get it or care. No contact is the only option. Allowing them to determine your own relationship with your own son?? that is effed up, get a perspective to properly address that

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I did not allow a thing, the toxic family did this, not me. I dont understand that from you, but a change is needed


they wont, cant get it or care. No contact is the only option. Allowing them to determine your own relationship with your own son?? that is effed up, get a perspective to properly address that

Thank you for the validation.