Not sure if this is the right place - Pillow or something to physically replace mother while grieving?

[megalocardia]

Long story short my mother who I barely knew died by suicide when I was 7. I have been in trauma therapy for a bit but there's other trauma (of course) and haven't gotten exactly to grieving her yet, though we've tiptoed on it. It's a very sensitive topic.
I put a lot of maternal transference on my therapist when I'm in "baby brain". I think my grieving is going to involve a lot of crying and wanting to be or imagining I am little and loved. I talked to my therapist probably over a year ago about how I always wish in these "baby brain" times that I was really little, like a child, so someone could hold me that's bigger than me, in the same kind of proportion that a small child is to a grown adult. And I said something about how one day I'd love to make an art installation of a like giant pair of hands in a "holding a child" position that's soft and warm that people can lay in.

So that doesn't exist, but during my grieving/healing journey.... is there like a person-sized soft-thing I could use to hold and cry into / feel held by? I have a stuffed bear I've always slept with but I'm talking about something bigger than me or able to "hold" me - even if it's just noodley pillow arm things. I think being able to nestle into something soft and "safe" would be so beneficial to me. Does this exist? Has anyone here struggled with this "wanting to be small" feeling and found a solution?

 

[Midnightmoon]

Touch is a huge thing for some of my youngest parts and for me balancing that with my adult/ teen parts who wouldn't want to be touched full stop is a bit of a minefield. My old T did touch and hold me, and it was a huge loss that I didn't quite understand until afterwards when I didn't get that touch element for the youngest ones anymore.

Yeah, stuff that can sort of hold you does very much exist, there is giant human sized pillows with arm type things as well as stuff like weighed blankets and shoulder wraps that sort of give that 'hug' feeling. Not sure where you're based, but theres 'compassionate touch' therapy too which is essentially what is says on the tin. I really like heat, it feels soothing and safe, so I use little heat packs in my hands sometimes to feel like someone is there holding my hand.

There's even stuff like life-like animals that 'breathe' as you have them on your lap which some people find soothing and connecting too.

Other holistic stuff isn't exactly hug touch but stuff like craniosacral therapy, massage, etc sometimes soothe that touch starved need in a here and now sort of way.

Really pleased that you have a T you can take this too, it's deep and painful work you're trying to navigate. In my own stuff, I resisted for a long long time, being able to recognise that need is huge and not to be underestimated how much of a step that is in just being able to give words to that experience.

 

[Ecdysis]

If you google "body pillow adult" you'll find a lot of these. People use them as a partner replacement for all sorts of situations like partner away on a long work trip, relationship breakup or partner's death.

There's even ones that you can get a face printed on or ones with "arms" tho I personally find those more creepy than helpful but I think being able to customise it to suit your and your subconscious' needs is a cool option to have.

 

[Friday]

I know a helluva lotta people who drive fast cars for that sensation!

Others who prefer to sleep curled up leaning into the backs of couches, or hammocks, rather than flat surfaces; for the feeling of being held… and even on flat surfaces? Are more likely to burrito up in a sleeping bag, or duvet, than a neatly made bed.

Lot of crossover between those 2 groups, as well.

As far as sensory tricks, though that’s not even the tip of the iceberg. Don’t even get me started about water, or why the outside of a horse is good for the inside of a man. Small things also work, because zeh brain is wacky. Like those wideleather wrist cuffs that are always on the fringe of fashion (trauma peeps tend to like the pressure, whether it’s pass or something else, but they tend to annoy neurotypical folk, and the sensory crowd divides really strongly down the middle), or rolling beads between your fingertips, or a weighted blanket, or, or, or, all create a warm radiating full body kind of sensation

A really great couch, or a ginormous bed, or fast car? Are all things a person can lease. As needed, or by the month/season/year. Heck, there’s even equine therapy, if you really wanna lean onto a thousand pounds that will lean back into you.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Bean bag with stuffing?

 

[Friday]

Bean bag with stuffing?

Ooooooh… Like the ones that fit into the bed of a pickup truck for drive in movies!!!

It’s even called The LoveSac (Now Imma have that song stuck in my head all day )

Last time I owned one of these was 20 years ago? They’re awesome.

 

[megalocardia]

Ooooooh… Like the ones that fit into the bed of a pickup truck for drive in movies!!!

It’s even called The LoveSac(Now Imma have that song stuck in my head all day )

Last time I owned one of these was 20 years ago? They’re awesome.

ok maybe if I could afford one this huge and it had some kind of flaps or "arms" or something but this looks awesome!

I know a helluva lotta people who drive fast cars for that sensation!

Others who prefer to sleep curled up leaning into the backs of couches, or hammocks, rather than flat surfaces; for the feeling of being held… and even on flat surfaces? Are more likely to burrito up in a sleeping bag, or duvet, than a neatly made bed.

Lot of crossover between those 2 groups, as well.

As far as sensory tricks, though that’s not even the tip of the iceberg. Don’t even get me started about water, or why the outside of a horse is good for the inside of a man. Small things also work, because zeh brain is wacky. Like those wideleather wrist cuffs that are always on the fringe of fashion (trauma peeps tend to like the pressure, whether it’s pass or something else, but they tend to annoy neurotypical folk, and the sensory crowd divides really strongly down the middle), or rolling beads between your fingertips, or a weighted blanket, or, or, or, all create a warm radiating full body kind of sensation

A really great couch, or a ginormous bed, or fast car? Are all things a person can lease. As needed, or by the month/season/year. Heck, there’s even equine therapy, if you really wanna lean onto a thousand pounds that will lean back into you.

definitely need something for home-time baby-brain-crisis moments, but it is true that horses are giant and alive and animals tend to be non judgemental so that may be something to look into, not for the reasons above, but for additional healing. Thank you for this response!

If you google "body pillow adult" you'll find a lot of these. People use them as a partner replacement for all sorts of situations like partner away on a long work trip, relationship breakup or partner's death.

There's even ones that you can get a face printed on or ones with "arms" tho I personally find those more creepy than helpful but I think being able to customise it to suit your and your subconscious' needs is a cool option to have.

thank you! I was thinking body pillows but i didnt know if there were big ones with "arms" (i do not want a face either) but I just need something larger than me that is soft and can "hold" me I think. That's the sensation my brain wants most when I'm in these really intense moments.

Bean bag with stuffing?

possibly but I want would want one much bigger than me and idk if I can afford a huuuuuge one tho my roommate is very sew-crafty so perhaps one or something like it could be made..

Touch is a huge thing for some of my youngest parts and for me balancing that with my adult/ teen parts who wouldn't want to be touched full stop is a bit of a minefield. My old T did touch and hold me, and it was a huge loss that I didn't quite understand until afterwards when I didn't get that touch element for the youngest ones anymore.

Yeah, stuff that can sort of hold you does very much exist, there is giant human sized pillows with arm type things as well as stuff like weighed blankets and shoulder wraps that sort of give that 'hug' feeling. Not sure where you're based, but theres 'compassionate touch' therapy too which is essentially what is says on the tin. I really like heat, it feels soothing and safe, so I use little heat packs in my hands sometimes to feel like someone is there holding my hand.

There's even stuff like life-like animals that 'breathe' as you have them on your lap which some people find soothing and connecting too.

Other holistic stuff isn't exactly hug touch but stuff like craniosacral therapy, massage, etc sometimes soothe that touch starved need in a here and now sort of way.

Really pleased that you have a T you can take this too, it's deep and painful work you're trying to navigate. In my own stuff, I resisted for a long long time, being able to recognise that need is huge and not to be underestimated how much of a step that is in just being able to give words to that experience.

Thank you so much for this reply. I am virtual, and while I drive out to see my therapist about once a year I don't think she'd be willing to hold me though hugging her was such a relief.

I would love some kind of weighted body pillow type thing. My thing is always that I want something bigger to hold me, so it's like...... my options are limited to "bigger than average person" items and the price of things go up and up the more material / weight / care etc. is put into things.

Thank you so much for the validation as well in your last paragraph. I really have to credit my therapist as well, she has allowed me a lot of room to learn that I am safe with her and it's made finding words for my feelings a lot easier. I still feel shameful sometimes but time over she has shown me that her presence has no shame and only care for me. That's helped me a lot in being able to think about what my baby parts feel.

 

[arfie]

my stuffed "mommy" is a gigantic pink unicorn i bought at walmart. her name is cindy and she makes me feel swaddled.

it works for me.