Relationship Is a pause in the relationship helpful for people with CPTSD?

[Shortsocks]

My partner has CPTSD and we haven’t seen each other for a couple of months despite texting most days. Every time we have tried to see each other they are overcome with panic and have been unable to. They explain it as feeling unsafe when vulnerable and being unable to deal with the strong emotions that being together brings up. This has happened before and has previously resolved itself within a few weeks. This time it is taking a lot longer and I am not sure they will ever be able to see me again. The onset of this particular episode came out of the blue, from one moment to the next I simply did not see them again (despite the online communication). I have recently suggested not being in contact for now so as to take any pressure related to ‘us’ off what I imagine is a very painful situation for them. But I am emotionally struggling with my decision because I love them and however much I try I know I will never be able to fully understand their situation. So I am reaching out for any advice and support. For a sufferer whose coping mechanism is to retreat is what I have suggested helpful? They say it is but I am very confused as to what is for the best. I still hope to be with them again. Thanks

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @Shortsocks , have you considered couples counselling/therapy. I think the way you've handled it up until now is very good.

 

[Shortsocks]

Hi @Shortsocks , have you considered couples counselling/therapy. I think the way you've handled it up until now is very good.

@Survivor3 Thanks for your reply and encouragment. It helps a lot coming from someone who understands. Couples therapy is not something they are willing to consider. And part of me sees why. They have tried therapy before and whilst some of it was helpful it then finished. Not all of it was helpful though. My partner explained that often talking about it isn’t. They deal with their symptoms through retreat and avoidance. The feelings they have for me appear to be the trigger.

 

[Nairobi]

My partner has CPTSD and we haven’t seen each other for a couple of months despite texting most days. Every time we have tried to see each other they are overcome with panic and have been unable to. They explain it as feeling unsafe when vulnerable and being unable to deal with the strong emotions that being together brings up. This has happened before and has previously resolved itself within a few weeks. This time it is taking a lot longer and I am not sure they will ever be able to see me again. The onset of this particular episode came out of the blue, from one moment to the next I simply did not see them again (despite the online communication). I have recently suggested not being in contact for now so as to take any pressure related to ‘us’ off what I imagine is a very painful situation for them. But I am emotionally struggling with my decision because I love them and however much I try I know I will never be able to fully understand their situation. So I am reaching out for any advice and support. For a sufferer whose coping mechanism is to retreat is what I have suggested helpful? They say it is but I am very confused as to what is for the best. I still hope to be with them again. Thanks

Hi! I am very interested in your post because I am in a similar situation. My best friend with PTSD and me has a very bad time when we share a flat during several months. He was not able to speak to me most of the time and I suffered a lot. Our friendship was almost destroyed.
However, he found a job in a far away city. And since that moment, our online friendship has improve a lot. We speak a lot by phone and he trust on me again. I feel that our friendship has come back again.
But when I propone to visit him, he refuses. He use several bad excuses. It makes no sense, because we are good Friends again, but I think he is unable to have in person contact with me again. He is also unable to make videocalls with me

What I am doing: I am trying to be a good friend, not putting pressure about visit him, and wait to see what happen when he spend more time in his new job, his new city, and the stress of the change is lower. Sometimes is hard and I feel bad about this , and I think that maybe I am not important to him, another times, when I see that he is still there, and we can spend time in the phone, I think is worthy

When we were living togethers, I tried what you say, to stop completely the communication, to stop texting him when I spend several days out of the city. But It didnt work for us. He was upset because he was feeling that I was avoiding him, and the "in person" problems didnt improve.

So, I think that If he is asking you to stop communication because he needs space, then respect that. But if he is not asking you, to stop the online communication maybe is not improving the situation and make you both suffer even more. This is my experience

 

[arfie]

hello shortsocks. welcome to the forum. your username has me feeling sock clumps inside my shoes. short socks always slide into my shoes when i attempt to use them.

getting back on topic. . .

i am a cptsd sufferer who has benefited greatly from a partner who lets me take extended breaks from our relationship. over the course of our 45 year relationship, we have lived apart a goodly number of those years. often i find our remote communications easier and more bonding from a safe social distance. my current day strong emotions go too many unsavory places when i am in the grips of a cptsd episode.

i won't declare this approach as fit for all, but it helped for my own partner and i. the good news is that i have healed far enough that it has been a good many years since i resurfaced in a different hemisphere from where i left him.

 

[Survivor3]

Ok, I understand. May I ask, are you married to your partner? This must be quite a difficult situation for you to manage and you say that you still hope to be with them again. I guess at some point you have to be a bit selfish and think about what you need in your life because you have needs and wants aswell. I don't think it's healthy for you to be living your life at the end of a piece of string. Your partner seems to have made their choices for themselves about what they need, and it's working, but what about you? And please don't get me wrong, I understand that you care and that things take time, but "what can you pour from an empty cup"?

 

[parrotthepolly]

But when I propone to visit him, he refuses. He use several bad excuses. It makes no sense, because we are good Friends again, but I think he is unable to have in person contact with me again. He is also unable to make videocalls with me

Are you sure they're excuses and not reasons? Cause people with more severe PTSD incl. me actually priorities completely different stuff (not always trauma related) than non-disordered people and I've been accused of having excuses from a variety of people. It sounds from your point like he must have just picked the first "excuse" that comes to mind without bothering to make the lie fit into the storyline but just by heating this, can tell it's most like not.
And when people don't believe me, I don't trust them either.

 

[parrotthepolly]

@Shortsocks From someone who isolates and shuts down all the time, I don't think it's possible for your partner to be with you more often. How long have they had PTSD for? If it's been over a year or more than it's most likely an ingrained coping mechanism, but not always.

Are you OK with the current situation? Also if they've tried talk therapy and didn't work, what about other types, like EDMR and CBT? Couples counseling actually might help considering it's you both and not just one person.

Sounds like being in a relationship is triggering for them?

 

[Shortsocks]

@Shortsocks From someone who isolates and shuts down all the time, I don't think it's possible for your partner to be with you more often. How long have they had PTSD for? If it's been over a year or more than it's most likely an ingrained coping mechanism, but not always.

Are you OK with the current situation? Also if they've tried talk therapy and didn't work, what about other types, like EDMR and CBT? Couples counseling actually might help considering it's you both and not just one person.

Sounds like being in a relationship is triggering for them?

Hi, thanks for this. They have had complex ptsd that was only diagnosed a few years ago for the best part of their life. And it is most definitely an ingrained coping mechanism, that totally vanishes when out of an episode. EMDR I understand is best for PTSD, as opposed to complex PTSD, and yes it was CBT that they tried. Yet again there is much research out there that says that even trauma informed CBT isn’t always effective as it relies on the activation of parts of the brain that are difficult to access for survivors. And yes, in moments like this, it is the relationship that’s the trigger. They explain it to me and we talk about it when they are well.

Ok, I understand. May I ask, are you married to your partner? This must be quite a difficult situation for you to manage and you say that you still hope to be with them again. I guess at some point you have to be a bit selfish and think about what you need in your life because you have needs and wants aswell. I don't think it's healthy for you to be living your life at the end of a piece of string. Your partner seems to have made their choices for themselves about what they need, and it's working, but what about you? And please don't get me wrong, I understand that you care and that things take time, but "what can you pour from an empty cup"?

No we don’t not live together which is good. I absolutely understand what you’re saying, I have the same thoughts. Through understanding the situation, which I am able to do thanks to them when they are ok, I am mostly able to be ok with it. Until I am not. That said, often they aren’t as their shame and guilt for the situation can be overwhelming. Hence, I step back.

hello shortsocks. welcome to the forum. your username has me feeling sock clumps inside my shoes. short socks always slide into my shoes when i attempt to use them.

getting back on topic. . .

i am a cptsd sufferer who has benefited greatly from a partner who lets me take extended breaks from our relationship. over the course of our 45 year relationship, we have lived apart a goodly number of those years. often i find our remote communications easier and more bonding from a safe social distance. my current day strong emotions go too many unsavory places when i am in the grips of a cptsd episode.

i won't declare this approach as fit for all, but it helped for my own partner and i. the good news is that i have healed far enough that it has been a good many years since i resurfaced in a different hemisphere from where i left him.

@arfie thanks! This has made me giggle. What you describe sounds very familiar and a similar sort of set up to mine at the moment. My partner would describe the situation just like you whilst also perceiving it as unfair for me. When we are far away from each other our connection always improves as a result of not having the pressure of seeing each other.

 

[Nairobi]

Are you sure they're excuses and not reasons? Cause people with more severe PTSD incl. me actually priorities completely different stuff (not always trauma related) than non-disordered people and I've been accused of having excuses from a variety of people. It sounds from your point like he must have just picked the first "excuse" that comes to mind without bothering to make the lie fit into the storyline but just by heating this, can tell it's most like not.
And when people don't believe me, I don't trust them either.

Thank you for your comment! The first time I told him about visit him, he answer me that he didnt want because he was in a shared flat and was not posible (It was a good reason) . But I told him that I could go to a hotel and he told me that It was not posible because the only hotel in the village was close (I knew It was not true, because I had previously checked online and there were several available options) so I considered It a bad excuse. He also told me some excuses about the long distance for the travel (I considered excuse because I have a car and he knows I dont have problems with long time driving)
Some time later I spoke to him again about It, and the posibility to go to a hotel (what I think is the best because of our previous problems in person) and he told me he prefers to wait until he has a job promotion and has more money to rent a place with a room for me. He says that It is important for him and that he doesnt want me in a hotel. I dont know if this is a true reason or an excuse, but I have decided to believe him and see what happen after the promotion. But the promotion maybe is in months or years, that is because sometimes I think more in an excuse or a way to have more time until the visit arrives. I dont really know

 

[parrotthepolly]

@Nairobi I can't say for sure what's the reasoning behind his thinking, the hotel thing seems like he wants to isolate if there were hotels available. He definitely seems to be avoiding a lot and not wanting to explain.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Hi, thanks for this. They have had complex ptsd that was only diagnosed a few years ago for the best part of their life. And it is most definitely an ingrained coping mechanism, that totally vanishes when out of an episode.

You mean they only stop seeing you during an episode and it lasts weeks to months?? Seems to be more underlying issues, that's way too long for a trigger.

It's great that you communicate well and still recommend trying couples therapy so you can both voice your thoughts and work through them.