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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

I'm so sorry to hear your mom passed away @littleoc . ☹️🥺 But I am glad you could be with her and they could control the pain and the dr was compassionate.

I do hope you will let go as best you can of shame and guilt, because IMHE they will interfere with being able to remember good memories or just take comfort in your love for each other. Which you know she wouldn't want and isn't true or what she would feel. You did the best you could and helped her immensely, by your presence and accompaniment too, and supported her. It is messy and never perfect. It feels it is never enough when you love someone and go hard on yourself. But context means everything and I am sure she knew you loved her with every ounce of your being and that is enough. Maybe everything. And forgave what many others wouldn't.

I think grief too is different for each person (or other circumstance or thing) we grieve. Please be gentle with yourself. Much love and gentle hugs to you and hope you keep posting. xoxoxox. 🫂
 
Thank you ❤️

Her house feels so empty without her. It was nice seeing her friends and family at the celebration of life service. She is dearly loved

I got COVID from the social gathering, so I have lots of time to rest because after I found out, I stopped visiting the family from out of town. (The ones who came down from New York, Ontario, Pennsylvania, etc.)

It has all been very comforting.

I will need to find her password and things to pay bills tomorrow or so. We'll see what I can do.

I'm just trying to focus on happy memories. I didn't believe in ghosts (or spirits much) literally like, two weeks ago. But now I've encountered hers and other people were there to witness it so I know it wasn't a hallucination. Three of them were people who didn't know her and who just worked at the cremation station. (Saying it that way because it rhymes.)

So at the risk of sounding silly, that was extremely comforting to know she was still listening in some way or another
 
It's not silly at all, many people don't believe in ghosts until they have experienced it and due to the fact the supernatural are portrayed in a way that make it all seems false I can't get mad at people who have been brainwashed by the media.

Great to hear you have gotten a visit from your Mom, have you tried communicating or was it only imagery? Ghosts can't speak or move 3D objects so it'll be difficult to do so.
 
I haven't been able to cook a single meal since my mom passed away. I thought it was because I don't like my mom's kitchen (which makes me sad because she always hated how small that kitchen was and how it has no storage space and sucks and then my dad ruined whatever positives it DID once have), but i opened the pantry door (my mom built the pantry) and cried seeing the food because..... I'm having trouble holding onto the reason. But it was too overwhelming.

this sucks.
 
parrotthepolly said:
It's not silly at all, many people don't believe in ghosts until they have experienced it and due to the fact the supernatural are portrayed in a way that make it all seems false I can't get mad at people who have been brainwashed by the media.

Great to hear you have gotten a visit from your Mom, have you tried communicating or was it only imagery? Ghosts can't speak or move 3D objects so it'll be difficult to do so.
Click to expand...
It is portrayed that way a lot, but I think a big reason for it isn't brainwashing as much as culture. The current modern world needs evidence to trust things.

I have a scientist background. so. I just didn't see evidence that was unshakable before then, i guess.

I wish they had had security cameras or something that would have captured it, though.

And yea, I imagine it would be hard to speak without a human voice box :P Especially since other smart animals can't do it either, except for some birdies. <3

I have begun jokingly asking family if the bacteria that lead to my mom's death ALSO made it to bacteria heaven. <3

ETA: but overall, no, I haven't directly tried anything. Forgot to answer that part. I am just talking to her occasionally. Hoping she's around but not requiring it of her or anything. I am still so sad but again, getting easier I suppose. But still very very difficult
 
It's just quiet. Very very quiet.

Can't shake the feeling that I never stopped having a breakdown. My boss triggered me so badly in 2022, and stuff leading up to that was so spirit crushing, I just haven't had anything left.

I have had undercooked little caesar's in the oven for two hours and still cant bring myself to go get it. it probably isnt undercooked now, though :P

i was trying to play an online game and relax and heard my brain say to itself "we're not trying to be the best, just trying to pass the time." which was not a relaxing thought this time. that's all im doing ever anymore. i feel I have very very little to live for. no purpose anymore.

looked up if section 8 can be used in assisted living places. they can. doesn't cover the food or care or anything like that, though, just the apartment itself.

i havent eaten anything that isn't just snack food for like a month now. just no desire.

i keep forgetting these things so I've written them down. I think i have therapy tomorrow. over zoom, since I have covid. don't know how much i'll want to talk, though
 
I dunno, I think they still look undercooked
20250724_021152.webp
 

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