Extreme Bad Reaction To Term "integration"

[becvan]

Well the title says it all. I'm hoping to figure out why exactly I get the same reaction every single time I hear or read this term, no matter how it's applied. I'd like to work past this so I can read it without this reaction so I can post and actually read these threads!

When I read this term, anywhere, or hear it I can literally feel myself start to grind my teeth. It's like someone hit the "high annoyance" switch and sometimes it's even unreasonable anger. I don't post in any thread that has that word in it ANYWHERE. I'm scared I'm going to go off half cocked to be honest. I have been on the forum for a long long while and I have always had this reaction. This even includes references to healing your inner child. Integration of feelings, personalities, memories, your inner child; you name it, it sets me off.

I've tried a couple of theories as to why but nothing seems to fit. I haven't had any accusations of MPD. I have never been in therapy asking for integration of anything nor healing your inner child. Although I disagree with the mass MPD diagnosis from the U.S.A. that does not seem enough to set that reaction.

Is this a trigger? Is that possible? If it is possible, what the hell is it triggering? Could this have something to do with my amnesia? Is my loss of childhood memores what sets off the inner child reaction and thereby the integration reaction? I honestly do not know and how do I figure this out?

This whole thread may be a little tough for me. I'm gonna use these terms and explore them and by god, I'm getting past this. All help appreciated to figure this out!

bec

 

[Nicolette]

This whole thread may be a little tough for me. I'm gonna use these terms and explore them and by god, I'm getting past this. All help appreciated to figure this out!

Great attitude Bec!

 

[anthony]

As I read this, and remembering much of what I have read from our private conversations... I have to say that I am with you on this one, being that I also think it has something to do with your amnesia of specifics.

Unfortunately, I am not aware of anything else you could possibly try in order to access the trauma associated with amnesia, and I know you have gone pretty much the whole nine yards with different approaches for the amnesia.

That leads me to one more realistic solution to help you with the term by itself... being serious exposure exercises to simply desensitize yourself completely to the term. You already know what I am talking about... so maybe even an ipod or such device, something digital that you can have repeatedly saying the word, even turned on the stereo whilst doing your normal household activities... a few days / weeks of such repeated exposure should pretty much completely do the job in the way of desensitizing your brain to the word.

Obviously you need to use all those good techniques you know at first to keep the anger under control, ie. expect the initial repercussions, process the emotion, etc... you know the deal.

 

[track108]

Do you feel like you are (to not use the trigger term>) a part of your society. I dont know enough about your situation to ask anything else, can i read the stuff that you wrote on here, maybe i can spitball alittle for you.

I have combat related ptsd, a big problem for me initially, when i first became a civillian was to feel like a part of society. I felt worthless cause i was no longer in the Marine Corps, but i also felt like the rest of the society was worthless cause they hadnt volunteered to go to iraq. Maybe you dont like this word cause you dont feel like you have become part of society, they dont understand or you feel worthless. i dont know what else to say, need more background i guess
charles

 

[track108]

Oh im sorry i was off base with what i thought was going on here. Different meaning same word.

 

[becvan]

Thanks Nicolette!

Anthony: do you think it's from having amnesia or from something hidden in the amnesia or both? Just curious...

This thread is my start of exposure. It's mine, I have to read it. LOL I think I'm gonna outline a plan for exposing myself and baby step myself up to a big goal. :) I'm mulling a bit of one over. Something like:

• Reading and responding to this thread
• Making the word "integration" my word of the day (as in used in everyday language at home)
• Reading other threads on inner child and integration
• Posting encouragement in those threads
• Reading a book each on inner child and integration

What do you think?

Track: I don't think your off track actually. I have Complex trauma and with that comes a changed world view. I do not feel a part of society and honestly don't want to be. You might actually really be on to something there. The thought being forced to "integrate" into society sends chills up my spine. Good call there. This probably also has something to do with it. Also feel free to use all my trigger words. I won't get used to them if everyone tip toes around me!

bec

 

[kers]

It's tough to have strong reactions to something without totally understanding why, I agree on that!

My therapist has been using the term a lot lately. We are working through my old memories, good and bad, because his theory is that the traumatic memories pop up with the least reminder and make it impossible for me to see that non-traumatic things are part of my history, too. So I am working on a whole narrative, one that integrates the traumas but doesn't focus on them alone. i.e., I am more than just a victim of abuse. It's working, because even though I'm having my regular PTSD memories, I'm remembering a lot more unbidden, too. I can see where this might get me, eventually.

Maybe you should go integrate some vegetables into a salad?

 

[anthony]

I think hidden in the amnesia Bec... which I suspect you already think as well. The trauma itself, yet the amnesia obviously masks that.

I think your plan is fine. I would honestly start somewhere, as you know, and perfectly honest, I would seriously look at recording it yourself into your computer or such, the word, then stick it on repeat with speakers on whilst in the house / burn it to disc and put it in your stereo and listen, in the car, etc... Five or ten minutes of that each day should suffice quite quickly.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Bec,
This may be totally irrelivant but it maybe worth discussing just to cover all possibilities: you say you do not believe in DID/MPD. Would you like to discuss this more and discuss why? It obviously brings up some emotion or you would not have a stance on it.

Integrate (;-)) is obviously very commonly used in this context.

 

[anthony]

I have to agree with Bec... DID is nonsense these days. When it was MPD, it was rarely given... a name change, now it is handed out like candy to most who have complex trauma and dissociate a lot due to lack of experience in diagnostic application / greed! Call it MPD again... then sit back and watch the reversal of it.

 

[becvan]

I did not say I do not believe in MPD, I said I don't agree with the massive amounts it's diagnosed. I have good reason for it considering I graduated as a Social Service Worker and we don't hand out that diagnosis like candy here. I firmly believe it is over-diagnosed, mis-diagnosed and out right abused to over charge patients. Unfortunately PTSD is going about the same way now. *sighs* I also agree that changing the name back would slow down how often it's handed out. As a matter of fact, there is a huge push to put anyone on the spectrum of disassociation under the label of DID. So for someone like me who has huge dissassociation issues, they want to label it the same as MPD, even though its most certainly not the same thing. Basically they want to remove the differential. Total and utter crap and it's causing a lot of confusion issues.

They can integrate DID right into the garbage can. ;)

Am trying to figure out which recording device is the most handy for me... LOL I have way too many toys I think.....

bec

 

[anthony]

Am trying to figure out which recording device is the most handy for me... LOL I have way too many toys I think.....

Nice... yer, that is the case these days. I only worked out recently that my iphone has a built-in voice recorder standard, without having to download an app. Sheeshhhhh....