I'm So Disappointed In Myself

[BrazenBull]

I thought i had gotten over the drug thing but i took some again It felt amazing at first and i was high for a good 6-8 hrs, but I was only able to sleep 2 hrs because my nightmares were even worse and I was even more irritable and jumpy at school and i just felt so bad.

I don't know how to explain what i've done to my friends they told me to stop but i didn't listen and i felt so horrible.
How disappointed do you think they are of me right now? D:

I dont really remembered what happened but apparently I told a girl I hang out with that i was tripping balls and some other stuff about school (lol?). I was also on tinychat with internet friends and they explained that i was screaming out how hot it was and that i was itching all over, also i was thrashing around in the bed screaming out "i love you guys and i appreciate you looking out for me bla bla bla i love you so much i wish i could kiss you bla bla bla am i going to die, if i die i want you to know that i really care about you" (it goes on like that ._.) and the rest was in my native language and they didn't understand a thing.

I don't know what came over me i was just looking for a quick escape.
anyways i have a little bit of a withdraw/hangover or whatever also scratch marks all over my back, neck, and arms and i don't seem to understand human speech that well at the moment, but got most of the week now so I'm going to rest up.

 

[Ted Moen]

No need to explain yourself, or to beat yourself up. Pick up the pieces and get back on your recovery program.

Ted

 

[BrazenBull]

I guess you're right maybe im just too hard on myself. :C she was a little bit disappointed in me though and i think i hurt her.

 

[Innordinate]

Just reading this I think I just realized I probably do (did) drugs TO hurt people - kind of an added side bonus to making myself feel better.
I don't know if that makes sense to you or not... something I'm going to have too look at for myself now, maybe it fits your situation too.
*shrugs*

 

[Jade-]

I don't know what came over me i was just looking for a quick escape.

It happens. I so totally understand. Just pick yourself up, brush yourself off and start again. One day at a time....

 

[Reclusive]

You're human, you're allowed to make mistakes. Like everyone else says - pick up the pieces, maybe have some tea, and keep going forward, one step after the other.

 

[ronin47]

Real friends don't care about you letting them down, they just care about you. What you percieved as disapointment was, I would think and hope, a manifestation of anguish over the fact that you were hurt in that way. I've gotten into fights with friends not because I thought poorly of them, but because I was afraid for them. Fear is a curious emotion as it visits us in many different shapes and sizes.

I have been told recovery is two steps forward, one step back. Poppycock. It's more like two steps forward, three steps back. That, I think, is why it can be so hard to appreciate the progress we've already made.

And you have made progress. How do I know? You felt regret over the fact that you hurt yourself with drugs. That right there puts you way ahead of the game. Everyone makes mistakes, not everyone repents.

 

[cakey]

Innordinate that's very common.

@BrazenBull - maybe you wanted people to know that you were hurting inside? It's important in recovery to have as open and honest communication as possible with friends. You'll do fine, feeling guilty about it is important because taking drugs when your trying to be clean isn't right. Although feeling too guilty is no good either. Middle-ground, and as said above one moment at a time.

My heart goes out to you and those who truly care for you.

 

[Xibalba]

Brazen, my heart breaks reading your story. I wish I had a magic wand for you. But wishes don't exist.

I will go into my scientific lair and build a magic wand from science and maybe that will work. Try to hold on until I complete it. Might take a while. ;)