Sufferer Closed off for a while. Looking for motivation to resume therapy.

[Dissected]

• Hi, 30 something y/o living w/ cPTSD.
• Fortunate to be able to keep most symptoms in check and keep them from spiraling into something bigger thanks for movement and exercise. Movement is a priority for me.
• Living with mild autism, adhd(?), dyslexia(?), ocd(?), some level of disassociation, depressive, anxious, and paranoid symptoms, grief, betrayal trauma, and alienation from former groups/communties is ongoing.
• Occasional suicidal ideation, s/h ideation, revenge ideation. Disheartening to reflect on how unjust the world is sometimes.
• Identity is tricky. I find it's most solid when I'm alone and not trying to camouflage for safety or find a missing role in a dynamic to occupy. It could stand to be more solid.
• Can identify some odd uncharacteristic childhood behaviors that make me wonder if I experienced csa, but have no memeroy of an incident.
• Goals to work on- unlearning triangulation that was taught to me as a child. Passed on to my mom from her mom. Wondering if this a somewhat normal cycle for women or afab people to experience? I've moved away from home out of necessity and hope that this could help my identify solidification. I'm probably past the time frame for indentitiy formation and am not entirely sure what this means.
• Want to work on the co-dependency and relationship dysfunction/formations.
• Working to improve the tendency to pick partners who are not good for me because of expectations I internalized while young. In the past, I opted for avoiding romantic relationships because they've mostly been messes. Some of which was unconsciously my fault. But certainly not all of it.
• I was in therapy not too long ago. I ended up leaving because I have a lot of shame around my anger. I've been told that I'm too sensitive and that my emotions, notably my anger, are too intesnse and inappropiate. I know this is common for women in general because of how our society conditions young girls. I regret leaving therapy because I think the T was a good fit and I let my shame and avoidance get the better of me. I know that T are trained to handle my extreme emotions, but I still deluded myself into thinking it's safer for everyone that I isolate when I get that intense. I don't like the idea of anyone getting hurt. Unless it's someone I am itching for revenge against. This emotion is also very powerful. Trying to channel this into exercise and angry writing.
• Trying to motivate myself to go back to searching. I gave myself time to grieve and worked on healing my body so I can better manage the stress and symptoms when they will undoubtalby return in the next round of therapy.

 

[arfie]

hello dissec. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

i will theorate that you haven't left therapy. in my own long, hard recovery from child sex trafficking, i consider the spaces between pro involvement as the times where i left the seeds of therapy germinate and take root. i also qualify my therapy peer support network as valid nodes in my therapy network. when i was ready for another pro-level injection, i always seemed to find the very candidate, ready, willing and able

may i use this very post as evidence that the proverbial seeds are growing?

so or no, welcome to the forum. i hope you find stabilizing companionship here.

 

[Survivor3]

I like the part about channelling the energy into exercise and angry writing. I'm a musician/artist, and used to do alot of angry writing and would hit the gym 5x a week. I also saw my therapist for over 150 hours !!!

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum

 

[parrotthepolly]

Welcome! You're very aware of the effects and what you need to work on, that's a great start.

 

[Dissected]

hello dissec. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

i will theorate that you haven't left therapy. in my own long, hard recovery from child sex trafficking, i consider the spaces between pro involvement as the times where i left the seeds of therapy germinate and take root. i also qualify my therapy peer support network as valid nodes in my therapy network. when i was ready for another pro-level injection, i always seemed to find the very candidate, ready, willing and able

may i use this very post as evidence that the proverbial seeds are growing?

so or no, welcome to the forum. i hope you find stabilizing companionship here.

I can't tell if they're growing or not.
The way I see it, problems I have are going to follow me organically and inorganically. I find that I'm responsible for the former, not the latter. What matters is taking the steps to address the problems that I can, however I can at the time.

I hesitate to participate in community life. I trusted, expected community to be a positive experience, but like anything humans touch it can be twisted, distorted, and used for long-term harm and other self-serving purposes. Especially online.

Thank you for your welcome.

I like the part about channelling the energy into exercise and angry writing. I'm a musician/artist, and used to do alot of angry writing and would hit the gym 5x a week. I also saw my therapist for over 150 hours !!!

Nice, keep it up!
I prefer working out outside. Less incidents of having to inform people of the unspoken rules of shared gym space.
I'm baffled by how many people can't handle a person walking up to them to politely inform them that having a 5-30 min phone conversation while at the gym bad gym etiquette, and the phone call should be taken outside. Run a web-search people, I am not making up gym etiquette rules. All this to later be told by property management that 'confrontation is discouraged' because it makes people 'uncomfortable'. I'm clearly not trying to fight these people, and at the same time, I'm not about to risk re-injury because of these careless young adults. I don't understand people sometimes.

Fresh air, sunshine, and an open sky are good for the soul anyways.

Welcome to the forum

Thanks 'Sideways'.

 

[Survivor3]

Yeah, gym etiquette...very important. I nearly got beaten up by a woman when she was sitting on a machine using her phone... I said "are you using that machine"? "Yes" she replied, "what's the problem"?! I pointed to her phone. And yeah, getting out into nature is great for the soul.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Welcome.

Agree with a lot.

 

[Dissected]

Welcome! You're very aware of the effects and what you need to work on, that's a great start.

Thanks for the welcome, parrot.
I prefer to keep to myself anymore. I've put in some time before sharing online.

 

[Dissected]

Welcome.

Agree with a lot.

Thank you for your welcome.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

I wanted to say a lot, dont think you need it.

I understand what you mean about humans twisting and distorting things. It can be pretty bad and horrible.

Not all humans though, and various things definitely not all on you

Sometimes the time isn't right for Therapy, if you're not feeling it take a break for a set amount of time. Feel and reflect then check again.

 

[Dissected]

trusted, expected community to be a positive experience, but like anything humans touch it can be twisted, distorted, and used for long-term ha

I wanted to say a lot, dont think you need it.

I understand what you mean about humans twisting and distorting things. It can be pretty bad and horrible.

Thanks.
I'm at a point in life where I'm tired of the BS. Tired of manipulation. Tired of domestic abuse. Tired of sexual assault. Tired of being told that these things are my fault and my responsibility. All this from people who accuse me of avoiding self-reflection, but fail to look in the mirror themselves. Tired of being 'in communion' with people who make excuses for and protect individuals who harm me.
The answer continues to be, leave. I'll keep to myself. I might be broke and close to eviction and homelessness, but it's clear that I can't stay either. I don't have the community, others do. Even if someone from 'the tribe' were to sexually assault me, if the community believes that me speaking up and raising awareness is a problem and not sharing valuable information to 'the tribe', I am once again the problem. Because the group decides who the problem is. Whoever has the power and influence in the tribe is most likely going to 'succeed'. Sexual assault means nothing because I'm not 'in' the group. Which begs the question- if I never belonged, why should I stay?

Being isolated or dead is better than drowning myself to fit other people's expectations and molds. Better than crumbling and shrinking to withstand other's projections. My own unhealed stuff will follow me, sure. Some level of 're-enacting' is to be expected.

But literally being followed, manipulated, and pressured to see if my abusers and their support can hit a psychic breaking point? To test me? To make me suffer? To see if I'll relapse? To test my willpower? To see how far I'll push my morality, how deep I'm willing to sink the knife when retaliating, how much information to expose? To watch what I'll do? To 'prove' I'm not the moral compass that was lost to the winds? That I was unworthy all the long?

I wear my healer hat more often than I realize, but when I work on my trauma, the hat comes off.
When I write to process, the censor comes off.
When I go to therapy to process trauma, the censor is off.
It's not for those who crumble under verbal abuse.
It's not for the faint of heart.
It's not for those who fear me.