Hiding in therapy

[Crimsonred]

Not diagnosed…but probably have CPTSD- childhood trauma stuff. Anyway I hide in therapy. Physically hide since day one. No matter if it was therapy by phone, text online or f2f….I hide. Close my eyes and cover my face with my hands for every.single.session. The entire session. It was by text for a few weeks when I started 3yrs ago, and I’d look to type, then cover my face and wait for the chime that told me the therapist responded. Then I’d type a response and rinse and repeat the steps. Then we switched to the online phone call. Did that for a year and a bit. Then that therapist left and I have been with the current one for about 2 years. Have been going weekly. Thus in total for about 3 years overall now (minus the odd week or two every few months).

I hide with this new one too….I’ve manage to go to her office I think 2 times this year and maybe 3 times last year. The first time she invited me to just ‘see’ her office. She went out the back door. I was supposed to go in and get a ‘feel’ for the place, but could step past the door threshold. Was there for a min then left. Anyhow I’ve manage to go to her office about 5 times for a proper session since then. Just too hard to sit in front of someone in person. I have rules that if I go to her office. She cannot look at me as I’m coming in to sit down (I message her when I’m outside and she turns around so I can come in and sit) or when I’m getting up to leave she cannot look at me. She has to look away and I sit as far away from her as possible. I use her desk chair and sit nowhere near her.

Anyway, I don’t see any end in sight to this hiding thing. I was really hoping when I started with this therapist 2 years ago that I’d be able to work through it by now. But I am so stuck. I feel like I would die if I let her see me. That she’d see “right through me” that she’d see I’m a fraud… and a whole bunch of other stuff.

It’s not her. It’s me. She’s nice. My other therapist was nice. Yes, I have massive trust issues. Yes, I have zero close friends. Yes, I only talk to people on the phone 3-4 times a month. Yes, most of those times it’s my mother- and we’re not even close. I call her out of duty really. Yes, I hate it when my phone rings. Yes, it rarely does. Yes, nobody in the country where I live (which is far away from my ‘family’) has my phone number besides work people. Yes, I do not socialize with people at work. I say all this because I don’t want therapy to become a crutch either. Still nervous to go every week- although a lot less than originally. A lot less.

Anyway, my real question is should I even bother to keep trying to look at my therapist. We talk about this every now and then and she’ll put out there for me to come for an in person session when she doesn’t think it would be too stressful. She’ll tell me causally that she’ll be in office and I can then tell her whether the session will be online or not. She doesn’t pressure me to do anything, just brings it up every now and then. Does it really matter if I never look at her? I’ve simplified my goals as I think sometimes there’s just too much before I’ll be better enough to leave therapy. And this goal is one of two on the list…and am wondering if I should just replace it something else instead.

If you’ve made it this far thanks for reading. I put it in this dissociation heading cause I think it may be another of the multiple ways I already dissociate. My brain dumps are always too long. Just trialing out this forum here.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Does this therapist have a problem with your choice of not being seen? If not then you could still communicate in other ways and work through it until you're more comfortable. It's not really that big of a deal imo.

I have a problem with being perceived as well sometimes but just accepted it ain't really a choice since I came into existence.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum!

I have rules that if I go to her office. She cannot look at me as I’m coming in to sit down (I message her when I’m outside and she turns around so I can come in and sit) or when I’m getting up to leave she cannot look at me. She has to look away and I sit as far away from her as possible.

Is it possible these rules have become part of the problem?

You can’t actually control your therapist. Or anyone else. But maybe the control that you’re trying to exercise here is actually making it more complex to overcome the simpler issue of just walking in and sitting down.

I feel like I would die if I let her see me.

I think this is key.

This is a feeling. Feelings are big powerful things, but they aren’t facts. It might be incredibly distressing, but that’s actually okay. Your therapist’s office is actually a really safe place to get distressed.

With anxiety (and even phobias), often the single most effective way to treat the anxiety is to confront the thing. Because it’s often the fear of the distress we’re going to encounter that is the barrier, and looked at that way? Distress is something that we can not only survive, but something we can learn to be really skilful at navigating and even tolerating.

What would actually happen if you walked in and sat down? It may well be an incredibly distressing experience. But it’s an experience that you will actually be able to process and cope with.

Maybe experiencing yourself coping with that distress would be liberating?

I’ve simplified my goals as I think sometimes there’s just too much before I’ll be better enough to leave therapy.

In my mind, therapy is to improve my ‘right now’. If you’re happy with your life right now, don’t particularly need or want it to improve? *shrig* maybe ditch the therapy.

But…life doesn’t need to be this hard, or this distressing. That’s what therapy is for.

 

[Crimsonred]

you’re right, feelings are not facts. I’ve live my whole life running from them like they are. Now to just “do it”…oh boy.
I’m not at any happy place. But I enjoy work. Once I’m out of the work zone… I’m a completely different person…nowhere near being ok in my skin…. But calmer than when I started therapy 3yrs ago. I struggle with wanting to improve cause part of me does and is embarrassed that I do and the other parts see it as a massive disruption to the life I have and the resistance is real. I think this is another reason progress is so slow. I am embarrassed that I even want to get better and terrified that I could actually have a life different than what it is now.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts

 

[Crimsonred]

Does this therapist have a problem with your choice of not being seen? If not then you could still communicate in other ways and work through it until you're more comfortable. It's not really that big of a deal imo.

I have a problem with being perceived as well sometimes but just accepted it ain't really a choice since I came into existence.

No she has no problem at all. She checks in with me on it as she knows I’ve said it’s one of my goals.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I agree with Sideways, here. These rules seem to have you stuck. It’s not really serving you anything to be going through such unnatural procedure with someone you’re supposed to have an interpersonal relationship with.
Been through similar stuff, not to the same extent, but yuck, therapy feels pretty exposing, huh? I remember some of when we had our sessions online, sending a message would make me feel pretty ill, I would turn the screen away as she read it and hesitate for the longest time before opening her reply (if an email), then turn away again, then finally look at it after a while… It’s hard.
When I start to cry in therapy (and it is a when, not an if) I seem to just hide behind my hands and hair for the rest of the session.

Therapy is about pushing, not too much, not crossing-boundaries… but a little at a time; Challenging thoughts, ideas, and fears is part of what therapy is about. T shouldn’t force, but slowly, surely, stuff gets easier. Maybe not in a straight line, but it does.
Apparently, I’d shut down when anything related to sex would come up in therapy, when I started (I’m a sexual assault case, imagine how that’d go). Now different parts have used “sexual” in sentences fairly regularly, said “rape” without much struggle, even mentioned a topic that often sends me into orbit, and not really batted an eye. Sometime, I’ll be disclosing abuse.


I’ll tell you what my therapy looks like, because I see a lot of folks have certain ideas of what their therapy will look like or what they “have” to do, or it “has” to be… This is how mine has been for the past…2, years? And it is working, I am moving forwards with what I’m there for. Which is a lot. It isn’t holding me back.

I come in, get the glass of water she always has for me, sit on the floor (she has a sofa and an armchair, facing each-other, which I’ve never sat in.) I’m about 2 or so metres away from her, often with a tray of sand or my backpack between us. Sometimes I’m further away, I’ve been sat against the radiator before while she’s where she normally is. One part has sat next to her one time, to look at something. Depending on the session, I might look at her fairly often, or sometimes, or barely, or not at all after I sit, until I leave. When I’m sharing any of my stuff, I’m not looking at her, I’m on my paper, or my things, or the tray, or her objects, or the room. We don’t have to make eye-contact, I don’t naturally, I don’t think I’ve ever made eye-contact with her while communicating anything trauma-related. Sometimes, it’s one of those hard times/sessions and I barely even say anything, or shut down at some point. Some parts don’t really want to talk, and/or kind of hate her, but still turn up to the session, and they just work with that, it’s all part of it.
I have stayed face-down and almost silent for most of a session, terrified of her, it happens… but I have gone from not being able to touch even the general vicinity of my trauma with her with a 10ft pole to… breaching the topic of sexual trauma, being able to discuss it fairly openly, dipping the toe in some details of my history with her. It is happening. I’m living to tell the tale.




This reminds me of when I was little, my Mum got remarried, I was for a few reasons, scared of my stepdad, so everything I told Mum had to be in confidence from him, everything, and she always just promised to not tell. He wasn’t perfect, made some mistakes, but he is not an abusive parent, and I say that with clarity of mind. But I never got past my fear of him. If it didn’t become The Thing to make sure she never spoke to him about anything Me, and her reinforcing that, I think I’d have a relationship with him to begin with. I lived with him 6 or 7 times as long as my biological father lived with me, and to this day I got nothing with him, because the rules I made being nurtured just reinforced and normalised the fear to me. “My fear must be true, because people are treating it like it is”. I never went to him for anything, never really spoke to him, never got much of a chance to build anything other than being anxious and afraid of him. Powerful stuff to a developing mind. Things would be a bit different now if I’d been challenged a bit, given the chance to be proven wrong and write a new turn of events for my nervous system.



Can you think of any goals to get out of this rut? That are a bit simpler and more feasible than “stop hiding”… that’s the end goal, but what are the stepping stones? Don’t try and run the marathon when you haven’t run a mile yet. Nobody can just do that, same with this, what increments will help you to train for your marathon? Start building the skills needed? What would your equivalent of getting out for a jog round the block every day be? Is it something you can bring to your therapist and discuss?

 

[osiris]

When I started therapy I couldn’t make eye contact with T. I hated them looking at me.

We weren’t together long before Covid so then everything was online and that made it easy. I couldn’t bear the thought of being in the same room. I agonized when closing my eyes to tap during emdr.

Fast forward to now and I have sessions in person and we make eye contact. It took a long time. Courage and understanding. We talked about what I couldn’t do. They waited until I could.

The greatest and the scariest thing for me about therapy is being seen. In every sense of the word.

No judgement for your experience but I hope you find a way to have peace.

 

[Movingforward10]

It IS so exposing , sitting there opposite them with them looking at us. And here we are expressing fears, trauma, worry etc. It's very intimate.
Like others, my eye contact is minimal especially when talking about hard stuff. Eyes down. Head down. Voice quiet.

It takes a long long time.

You won't die from it. It's believing that through practice that will help.
Each time you tell yourself you will die from it, can you also tell yourself that you won't. Help the adult part of your mind make more space to support the other parts of your mind?

 

[Sideways]

Now to just “do it”…oh boy.

This can be huge, and overwhelming. Or not.

The huge overwhelming version is: just do it, get on with it, suck it, try and just do it the way you think it ‘should’ happen, etc.

The less overwhelming version is more like setting aside at least one appointment where your only goal is to go in, sit down, and see what happens.

Probably distress will happen. Knowing that in advance is helpful. It will likely be distressing, so plan a ride home, something soothing after, a solid dinner and plenty of sleep.

‘Success’ in that second version can be any step along the way in that process. For example, telling your T in advance that the rules about eye contact are on hold, and still showing up? Is success. Going into the office is even better, but not necessary for success on day 1. Sitting down in the office may be 2 or 3 appointments away, and that’s fine. Sitting down and exchanging pleasantries with your T is like “Hell yeah” territory.

This skill you’re working on with your T isn’t just about being able to work with your T. It’s about building skills that allow you to have good quality, healthy relationships. With all sorts of people. And figuring out the nature of what distress is like for you internally, and how best to manage it so it doesn’t control your life anymore.

So, worth a multiple appointments if that’s what it takes. You got this:)

 

[Crimsonred]

Ughhhhh….to all of this. I hear you all. Thanks everyone for some really good food for thought.

I had mentioned this topic in a recent email. So it was raised in the session today and we pretty much talked about what would happen what she could do, how I would respond, what help would I need… we could do as small a step as I wanted. She would be fine with whatever I decided. This was the most in depth conversation and planning we’ve done.

Landed on I will wear sunglasses so I can peek at her…maybe she will too.

I agree with Sideways, here. These rules seem to have you stuck. It’s not really serving you anything to be going through such unnatural procedure with someone you’re supposed to have an interpersonal relationship with.
Been through similar stuff, not to the same extent, but yuck, therapy feels pretty exposing, huh? I remember some of when we had our sessions online, sending a message would make me feel pretty ill, I would turn the screen away as she read it and hesitate for the longest time before opening her reply (if an email), then turn away again, then finally look at it after a while… It’s hard.
When I start to cry in therapy (and it is a when, not an if) I seem to just hide behind my hands and hair for the rest of the session.

Therapy is about pushing, not too much, not crossing-boundaries… but a little at a time; Challenging thoughts, ideas, and fears is part of what therapy is about. T shouldn’t force, but slowly, surely, stuff gets easier. Maybe not in a straight line, but it does.
Apparently, I’d shut down when anything related to sex would come up in therapy, when I started (I’m a sexual assault case, imagine how that’d go). Now different parts have used “sexual” in sentences fairly regularly, said “rape” without much struggle, even mentioned a topic that often sends me into orbit, and not really batted an eye. Sometime, I’ll be disclosing abuse.


I’ll tell you what my therapy looks like, because I see a lot of folks have certain ideas of what their therapy will look like or what they “have” to do, or it “has” to be… This is how mine has been for the past…2, years? And it is working, I am moving forwards with what I’m there for. Which is a lot. It isn’t holding me back.

I come in, get the glass of water she always has for me, sit on the floor (she has a sofa and an armchair, facing each-other, which I’ve never sat in.) I’m about 2 or so metres away from her, often with a tray of sand or my backpack between us. Sometimes I’m further away, I’ve been sat against the radiator before while she’s where she normally is. One part has sat next to her one time, to look at something. Depending on the session, I might look at her fairly often, or sometimes, or barely, or not at all after I sit, until I leave. When I’m sharing any of my stuff, I’m not looking at her, I’m on my paper, or my things, or the tray, or her objects, or the room. We don’t have to make eye-contact, I don’t naturally, I don’t think I’ve ever made eye-contact with her while communicating anything trauma-related. Sometimes, it’s one of those hard times/sessions and I barely even say anything, or shut down at some point. Some parts don’t really want to talk, and/or kind of hate her, but still turn up to the session, and they just work with that, it’s all part of it.
I have stayed face-down and almost silent for most of a session, terrified of her, it happens… but I have gone from not being able to touch even the general vicinity of my trauma with her with a 10ft pole to… breaching the topic of sexual trauma, being able to discuss it fairly openly, dipping the toe in some details of my history with her. It is happening. I’m living to tell the tale.




This reminds me of when I was little, my Mum got remarried, I was for a few reasons, scared of my stepdad, so everything I told Mum had to be in confidence from him, everything, and she always just promised to not tell. He wasn’t perfect, made some mistakes, but he is not an abusive parent, and I say that with clarity of mind. But I never got past my fear of him. If it didn’t become The Thing to make sure she never spoke to him about anything Me, and her reinforcing that, I think I’d have a relationship with him to begin with. I lived with him 6 or 7 times as long as my biological father lived with me, and to this day I got nothing with him, because the rules I made being nurtured just reinforced and normalised the fear to me. “My fear must be true, because people are treating it like it is”. I never went to him for anything, never really spoke to him, never got much of a chance to build anything other than being anxious and afraid of him. Powerful stuff to a developing mind. Things would be a bit different now if I’d been challenged a bit, given the chance to be proven wrong and write a new turn of events for my nervous system.



Can you think of any goals to get out of this rut? That are a bit simpler and more feasible than “stop hiding”… that’s the end goal, but what are the stepping stones? Don’t try and run the marathon when you haven’t run a mile yet. Nobody can just do that, same with this, what increments will help you to train for your marathon? Start building the skills needed? What would your equivalent of getting out for a jog round the block every day be? Is it something you can bring to your therapist and discuss?

Thank you for sharing. You’re right the goal is too big. Need more smaller steps.

It IS so exposing , sitting there opposite them with them looking at us. And here we are expressing fears, trauma, worry etc. It's very intimate.
Like others, my eye contact is minimal especially when talking about hard stuff. Eyes down. Head down. Voice quiet.

It takes a long long time.

You won't die from it. It's believing that through practice that will help.
Each time you tell yourself you will die from it, can you also tell yourself that you won't. Help the adult part of your mind make more space to support the other parts of your mind?

“Each time you tell yourself you will die from it, can you also tell yourself that you won't.”

This bit right here….oh boy! This is huge