Reeling from events

[WinnieThePoohChris]

So met some people, one in particular in an unlikely place. Thought I had made friends, I was suffering a lot, drugged a lot and forced into dissociative state too much.

I made mistakes and didn't understand a lot, so much I didn't understand. Being in a suggestive state, thoughts were twisted a lot. Now think some of these interactions were planned, continuation of manipulation and abuse. Whole fault for misunderstandings, actions and mistakes placed squarely on me.

I kept saying I didn't understand and was confused. Was rambling so much, so often. Mostly reaching out trying to make sense of it all, trusting what i was told, too much trust for too many people. Thoughts were so scrambled from events and suggestions. I feel bad about it all, worry i caused upset or unknown suffering from what was happening and being done to me.

Hope i didn't and those people are OK. Don't want to reach out to check, i have before, more my concerns for people, seems like that would be a continuation of the problem though.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

I am grateful @Grateful , did not want to derail your thread.

I feel as if I have no right to be here or anywhere, so much of what I say and do seems misunderstood, taken wrong or misjudged.

I cannot say I understand everything fully, but a lot of what you write is so very familiar. I have a lot of trouble finding the words to explain.. anything really.

I feel like a weight has been lifted finally having words to explain, even if its just to myself. You are new here, I am too and a lot of those words are yours.

Thank you again, means a lot to me.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Not trying to take anything as mine or anything like that with anyone. Your words, describing your trials and difficulties. So much trouble communicating what I mean at times.

 

[Grateful]

Not trying to take anything as mine or anything like that with anyone. Your words, describing your trials and difficulties. So much trouble communicating what I mean at times.

It’s okay @WinnieThePoohChris the words are as much yours as they are mine. They always have been. And we all have a right to be here and to use them. I just borrowed them and arranged them in some sort of order that made sense to me at the time. I’m glad you found some sense in them too.

Trust is tough isn’t it. I too have given trust to too many people and then felt confused and betrayed when they abused it yes also I felt responsible for their feelings. Your situation is different to mine and seems far more current and pressing than mine. Do you have anyone outside of this forum who is independent of your situation who you can talk to? I understand from what you posted before you’ve tried many avenues to get the right support. Was anyone among all those able to offer anything at all?

Communication is hard for me too because I’m very confused and all the rules have been continuously changing for many years.

I recently decided I am not going to (well I’m gonna give it go), to keep taking the blame for my lack of understanding of the irrationality of others and their lack of ability or desire to understand or even care about how their part impacts me. I’ve come to believe that some people can pretend to miss-understand for their own convenience. Some people will assign blame to others to mask their own inability to be honest about what their actions say about what they believe in and frankly, that’s on them. All I have though of any foundation, is fact once I’ve stripped it of all my confused speculation about what people think, their motives and guesswork about them to fill in the unpalatable gaps in my understanding of their actions.

Maybe it’s okay not to understand, because some things just are senseless and cruel and searching for sense in them becomes futile, so maybe it’s okay not to ubderstand as long as I can accept that and be willing to move forward even if it’s just a tiny bit at a time.

I ramble too, have you noticed? It’s far easier for me to talk in writing than speaking in person. Even one sentence in person of any substance has many challenges. It’s unusual I have any undressed-up words to describe my relationship with mental illness and it’s usually because calling the spade by its name, suggests I’ll have to accept the existence of said spade.

And that frightens me because once I know, it’s upto me which way I dig. Only I can choose that and to date, my choices have not always been wise.

When it comes to judgement, I have learned to be the most brutal of all those I feel judged by and can be cruel to myself just by not offering any compassion, to me. I make the rules about the standards I expect of myself and those i expect of others and they tend to differ a lot and usually not in my favour. And because I didn’t know I was making those rules I didn’t know I could write new ones to overwrite all the ones that cause me destruction.

So I still haven’t named the spade and will probably have to dance with that one a while longer.

Thank you for your support too. It and your words have helped me.

I think it’s okay to keep talking (clearly today I appear to be somewhat going for it but then again I’ve got 20plus years hiding things so I’ll let myself off just this once. As long as we feel safe and are respecting other here - it’s all processing and I think there are people here who care and are listening.

I worry that everything I do impacts people badly too - but that’s because I have a damaged sense of my place in the world. And sometimes I am so self absorbed I can’t see what’s really going on. I mean really, I’m important in my life but to think that everyone I meet is somehow going be affected by me at all let alone negatively is ludicrous. Yet I do regulally.

When you talk about your experience and share your thoughts it could be exactly what someone else needed to hear that day.

It could be the one piece of identification with another human they needed and could change the course of their journey for the better. I think that’s partly how this all works. Im going to try not to decide what others might need or not need to hear, I couldn’t possibly begin to know that and so as long as I’m as honest as I can be and considerate, I shouldn’t need to sensor myself too much for others. I’m new to online forums so I’m just guessing out loud here. They are all full of peoples ramblings that seem to serve to help them process stuff. Im in no place to give advice though. I’ll let others who know what they are talking about provide some more sturdy clarification. Right… after you have been so considerate not to derail my thread, which you would have been very welcome to do by the way, I appear to be derailing yours and in your diary post too.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Do you have anyone outside of this forum who is independent of your situation who you can talk to?

I do not, I should have but things became twisted by certain people very quickly. I have learnt a lot from previous therapy and similar, so have a lot to try myself. not sure I am in a place to revisit therapy right now but will in the future. Some of it was very good, and I was in a very good place. That was the sign others needed to come along and destroy my life due to other people's problems and their own twisted views of the world.

I am understanding people do a lot intentionally, with no rhyme or reason to it. I used to just let it wash off, someone wants to behave in that way, take something wrong or intentionally obfuscate and make more negative. That's on them, that's their problem. Some things have gone too far, too deliberate for too long, for what some have done, how some have behaved there is no washing it off. This isn't even about people that hurt and more, it's those that lied and set things up, that have propagated and ignored suffering because they have done something pretty bad and hide from it. They let me suffer because they cannot admit to what they have done.

as long as I’m as honest as I can be and considerate

I try too, how I attempt to approach everything. Had a lot of people twisting words and statements to fit some predefined opinion to justify actions and behaviour. Seem to be surrounded by lots of abusive manipulative people that I know little to nothing about.

There is a noticeable difference when out in public, if these people are there everyone can feel it, attitudes and behaviour of people on the street are different. I often wonder how no one picks up on it, suppose they do but cannot identify it, you have to have a frame of reference first to be able to pick up on that sort of thing. Also believe the reason some of us have suffered in the first place is simply because we are more observant than many, bring attention to ourselves just by noticing whether we try to resolve a problem or not.

I appear to be derailing yours and in your diary post too.

I am quite happy with that, you are welcome to anytime. Some thought processes need to be broken at times as they become quite unproductive. I also quite like reading what you write. How some people speak and write are easier for me recently.

You mentioned asphasic, I looked that up, I had a misdiagnosed, neck/head injury, have suffered fom many aspects of that, mentioned it to some and seem like attitudes might finally change to something more positive. Not sure if that's what I have had but it's a step in a different direction.

I did not think you were rambling, it all seemed quite reasoned and thought out to me! you are right, we never know what odd assemblage of words could help another person.

Maybe we all need to write some new rules for ourselves or each other, I dont know if that is a thread already. I do realise I hold myself to different standard, rules, morals than most and berate and bame myself far more than others. It does give people a way to manipulate and cause suffering. Some can change due to being unreasonable, too strict, or unfair to myself and others. Some should not be changed due to the actions of others though.

You say about naming the spade? Do you have to name it directly or would a step be to identify the type or style? When you decide to dig, dont need to go straight up, just dont go down, reckon any other direction with some upwards movement would be a good choice.

Dont stop talking, when you have any poems or metaphors i would be happy to read them.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Someone reach out to @SherbertLemon, think I said something wrong and ignored. Also no idea what to say and she needs....

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

I'm tired, the hits, memories keep coming now. So much pain, suffering because I said "no".

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Want to heal, be productive, do good things, all I've ever tried.

Not sure I can now.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Someone reach out to @SherbertLemon, think I said something wrong and ignored. Also no idea what to say and she needs....

She was active 24 mins ago and you replied 20 mins ago so she haven't read it yet.

You didn't say anything wrong and were non judgmental which was helpful so you should worry about it.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

I hope sherbertlemon is ok, sucks so much happens we can do nothing about. She should not be alone in her fight, so many on here and out there should not.

Why is it "bad" people, abusers and more get to work together or hide behind false personas, yet those that get hurt, suffer are not allowed to. We cannot even band together because of what has been done and how we are affected.

Live in expectation of more, seems to be the plan, would leave but no means and no where to go.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Revenge is not something that I particularly desire, seems such an unhealthy path.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

No, I won't do that.
No, i did not do that.
No, you are wrong.
No, i dont want this.
No. no, no
How many does it take when one should be enough.