Reeling from events

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Confused and trying to make sense of the world.

Don't know where to start or what to say. Recent events put me in a dissociative state. Coming out of it feel weird, trying to make sense of things and find a way forward.

Feel optimistic a lot, not really sure why with everything that's happened and been going on. Try to share, connect, understand, taken wrong so often.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Well, doesn't take much to ruin the optimism.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

I dont know how to do this. There's so much, i can't find the words. Saying anything to anyone, try to resolve anything, seem to get slapped back down.

I can see it, relate to it, in some people's posts, cannot find the words to write it.

@Calmdown feel where you're coming from, hope you find some of what you need.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

So realise can't talk about it from my perspective. Many talk about not being able to get traumatised selves to open up and talk.

Every part of me has been hurt at some point, none of them want to talk about it for fear of repercussions.

Can talk to others and share some things, not the truly bad stuff, only the better stuff and even some of that is pretty awful.

 

[Sideways]

You don’t have to say exactly what happened to start processing what you’ve been through, or are going through. Sometimes, just writing about your internal experience, rather than the external space, can be helpful.

There’s no rush. You have all the time in the world, and are completely in control of what you disclose, when you disclose to, and who you decide to talk to.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Thank you, I dont know what to do, say or think.

 

[Ecdysis]

Sitting with you. Words will come when you're ready.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

It's... this isn't the place for it and probably get used against me by someone, I'm not ready really, but... this isn't the bad stuff.
For years, more than I realised my brother used past trauma to cause me to suffer in a dissociative state repeatedly.
He knew the details as I had tried to get support for years and had to confide in family to get therapy after a pretty bad event.
He did this to pretend to be me online and in person. Took my clothes and belongings without my knowledge, accessed my online accounts, phone, PC etc. I was taking pills and had passwords written down as a precaution.
Claimed my achievements as his, things I made or did as something he did. Diminished, dismissed and even destroyed anything I did.
I started getting booking emails, but they were places he went to. Try to get to the bottom of it and he'd twist it all to be my mental health and not anything real.
Just over 2 years ago it got worse, more incidents with accounts, and phone. Data changed, deleted, altered, shared and more.
Then he told his best mate, who I lived with, it became constant. Poisoned, drugged, sleep deprivation. Fought it and strived to be myself, did therapy, improved, then they started drugging me more.
After suffering an injury, neck with minor spinal cord damage, easier to put me in a suggestive state, worked with others to mess my head up and make out I was someone I'm not and did things I didn't.
Think he did something bad enough it made his then housemate fearful, deleted his online presence, and spent most of his time in a bathtub.

My mum isn't a bad person, she's suffered a lot, always has. She cannot comprehend the actions of my brother. He moved in with her 2 years ago and messed with her head it seems, she changed overnight and spent 3-6 months calling me his name, acting as if I was him. Same time she unknowingly overdosed on painkillers, she doesn't know how, shortly after he moved in.
She has trouble remembering that time, whereas older things not too bad.
Shes not been the same since really, if away from him for long enough she's a different person.
Anything he says is taken as fact and trying to make her see/accept something different causes pretty bad reactions.
I'm tired. Exhausted.
Everyday a battle to try to get through and survive.
I would think it was someone else, but I have a memory of my brother doing things, saying things that make me question and caused a lot of conflict at the time.
Tried to put light on his actions towards me and others before, always ended badly.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

@Ecdysis
Talking about genocide and its effects, i was reading about something else and came a across this:

"Apparently, it doesn’t take much to get people to commit atrocities against their neighbors, as evidenced by the Milgram Experiment Conducting the Milgram experiment in Poland, psychologists show people still obey However, the good news is that, according to the experimental results, about 33 per cent of any population cannot be talked into hurting someone else, even if an authority figure tells them to. That’s a lot of people. Further, offshoots of the original experiment have shown that if one person openly refuses to participate in the destruction of another person on moral or religious grounds, everyone who witnesses the refusal will also refuse to participate in the abuses. One person can make a difference."

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

I try to just live my life, be compassionate and caring, biases and experiences some have understandably take things the wrong way. I sometimes get beaten down, and trusted people joining in makes it all worse.

Sure there are better sources for certain situations, this is what I have to share at the moment though.

I was reading this, it's short but makes some good points for anyone suffering from any harassment, emotional, psychological or physical.

Cathy Meadows

Surviving and Thriving as a Targeted Individual: A 25 Page Booklet About How to Beat Covert Surveillance, Gang Stalking, and Harassment​

 

[Ecdysis]

offshoots of the original experiment have shown that if one person openly refuses to participate in the destruction of another person on moral or religious grounds, everyone who witnesses the refusal will also refuse to participate in the abuses. One person can make a difference.

Thank you Chris - I love that!


You know, reading about your messed up family situation made me think that sometimes, a system is so messed up that it can't easily be "fixed" even tho that may be what we are seeking. Sometimes, we have to disentangle ourselves from a system like that and accept that there is no healing to be found there, for the time being. I went no contact with most of my family of origin in my 20s and when I did, I recall saying to one family member "This isn't a family, it's a bunch of mentally ill people that keep dragging each other down." I think, sometimes the dysfunction reaches a level, where the people in a system can only find healing elsewhere, in other contexts. Maybe years later, maybe decades later, there can be some kind of truce or letting go of what happened long ago. But I think trying to resolve the trauma "within the system" can sometimes be impossible. I found family members also couldn't deal with the abuse or work out "how to take sides" and it turned into this toxic narrative that would keep shifting and go round in circles of denial, attempting to help, victim blaming, etc. Things were just too bad - there were no emotional resources to heal or fix what had happened. Stepping out of the dynamic was the only way to get the wounds to heal. I don't know if that's an option for you, but there are many ways of stepping away and disentangling that don't have to mean full no-contact. Just accepting that there is no healing to be found within that system and that it will need to be found elsewhere, can be a helpful step.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Thank you, I love that post!

"This isn't a family, it's a bunch of mentally ill people that keep dragging each other down."

I have said exactly that a number of times recently. Unfortunately a number of events have led to me living closer to some family members than I ever have before, now on my doorstep.

Trying to find distance, what you have just said helps a lot thank you.

I did go no contact with my family in my 20s, forced into contact and reliance due to things that happened. This all started up again when I started putting up healthy boundaries and striking out on my own to make something more.

I won't give up and keep trying, find a lot of humour in many things that happen now. It's weird I had people say I was a good man, I was so hurt and suffering I took it the wrong way. Maybe that was the intent, either way I'll start accepting that and strive to be who I know I am and want to be.

It's nice and helps to know that there are people like yourself out there too. Although I do wish there was less suffering going around!