Can ANY therapy even help me?? ( CSA )

[saffronstuffie]

Hii, sorry about this being my first post ever, but I don't know how else to bring it up anytime ever. Don't read if you can't handle it please.
Most definitely have some kind of CPTSD, ( Might also have a dissociative disorder, considering I've been experiencing the symptoms since I was abt 9 - 10 ; talking to "internal voices", acting more animalistic in a way i couldn't control until i was "fronting" again, having moments where i'd space out/"be blank" for HOURS. ) my father regularly sexually abused me whenever I was under his care/custody ( the abuse lasted from 2 - 9 years old. i had a "habit" of getting swooped up by CPS while I was a baby/toddler, because of how neglected I'd be from being with my parents. ) and I've been repeatedly sexually abused by other people throughout my childhood, mainly being other foster siblings, after being placed in the foster care system pretty much permanently. ( foster system also severely maltreated me as a child, so there's that too.. )
While I was being sexually abused by my foster siblings, I also started to "let myself" get groomed on an app called Amino. ( srsly bad stuff on there btw, it's literally like a pedoring. ) And basically got sexually exploited by people online, after moving off Amino, from 11 - 17.
I know it sounds stupid- probably not, but I've been dismissed about it so many times that it's been deemed stupid by my subconscious - but I didn't remember ANY of this sexual abuse up until I'd moved out of my most recent foster mom's home. Most likely due to her home being a source of physical abuse, which is also still a form of trauma that I had to repress. ( Repression is probably the only reason I survived for so long in the system, NGL. )
I hate how much I remember now, though, most reoccurring is the sexual abuse my father put me through. ( Somatic memories / flashbacks being triggered by everyday stuff , dissociating everytime I think about my childhood because of how prevalent my dad was in it the entire time , ect. ) I've been really trying to stop thinking about it, but the memories are intrusive. I literally can't control them.
It makes me feel even worse, that when I recently went to a "trauma-informed" therapist, to try and tell them the issues I'd been experiencing, ( which made me breakdown and start dissociating, when I described my sexual abuse to them at all. ) they straight-up said "I can't help you, you need to find a psychiatrist." as if just drugging me up will stop the memories I have. ( I also was a lab rat at some point in my childhood, for anti-psychotics. Because group homes LOVE to unnecessarily medicate the children under their "care"!! So medication for mental health kind of f*cks me up! )
I honestly don't know what to do, I've been going to "regular therapy", both CBT and DBT, SINCE I WAS 5. But people in my life, my in-laws, keep insisting that I literally retraumatize myself to try and get help for this. That will not help me. But I don't even know how to start with getting it through people's thick skulls about therapy not working for me??? ( I literally told them that I've been going to therapy for more than three decades, but they just didn't care. ) I'm also seriously worried about trying any EMDR therapy, because of it's REALLY BAD effects on dissociative disorders, it can literally destabilize a system. Should I just try phsychadelic therapy?? I don't think there's really any places near me that host psychadelic therapy sessions, but I know - from personal experience of delving into it - that I tend to feel safe and happy while on them. ( Something regular therapy has failed to do for me, even ONCE!! ) I understand if I need to try other therapy options out there, but if they don't work, I'm probably gonna go for this option.
Hope someone can help me out with this, and I'm sorry if reading this made anyone upset. Thank you for any help!!

 

[saffronstuffie]

If anyone is curious to how I've been able to even survive day-to-day - I barely do. I dissociate most of the time throughout the day. I only ever feel "present" when my partner is home, because they're the only one I can talk to about this kind of stuff. I hate making it their burden though, so much, I wish I didn't have to deal with ts and put all of it onto them. I hate how dependent I am. :(

 

[saffronstuffie]

If anyone is curious to how I've been able to even survive day-to-day - I barely do. I dissociate most of the time throughout the day. I only ever feel "present" when my partner is home, because they're the only one I can talk to about this kind of stuff. I hate making it their burden though, so much, I wish I didn't have to deal with ts and put all of it onto them. I hate how dependent I am. :(

I'm not trying to be dramatic or anything, this is just how much I remember weird flashbacks / memories of stuff I went through as a kid. I literally experienced sexual abuse for my entire childhood. I feel icky gross typing about it hhh :"(

 

[Movingforward10]

Well done for sharing here. And I'm sorry you haven't found the right support to help.

You're in good company on this website as there are lots of people with various traumas and amazing advice or ways of exploring issues that can help others.

i can understand why therapy didn work as a child: how can therapy work when you still being abused? You can't process stuff when you're in the trauma. It's just not safe.

But it is safe now. You have adult you. And life can get better.


You don't need to apologise for talking about abuse on here. Lots of us go into various levels of detail and everyone is responsible for their own triggers.

What type of therapy works? You'll get a lot of answers here! My therapist does mainly relational and integrative transactional analysis. Has worked for me.

 

[Rose White]

I would just keep trying different types of therapy if it were me. What do you have to lose?

 

[saffronstuffie]

I would just keep trying different types of therapy if it were me. What do you have to lose?

not much for me to lose, besides whatever string of sanity keeping me from severely hurting myself. because that's all i feel like doing whenever i have these memories!! doesn't help that i'm not getting properly eval'd, and just told to be put on medicine. that's not how therapy should work. EDIT: this is the only kind of therapy i've ever been subjected to, that isn't for something that i'm already TOO AWARE of. ( like my emotions. )
suicidal + self harm ideation that literally stemmed from therapy has been an issue for me since middle school.
i think having emotions and memories i didn't comprehend at the time made that habit tenfold. this has been an issue for me for what feels like forever. i know it hasn't been forever, but that's what two decades of self harm can feel like.
i'm still trying to crawl out of the habit, and it's not pretty. so i think something that can make that progress turn into regression - like unnecessary therapies that will only retraumatize me - will not be helpful. hope this makes sense.

 

[Rose White]

It sounds like you are saying you are wary of therapy because of past experiences. How are you in general at saying no to relationships and experiences that aren’t working out for you?

 

[captain jigglypuff]

I know that therapy helps me by easing the flashbacks of my sexual assaults when I talk to my therapist about it. Talking about it in therapy makes it less difficult to deal with and it’s better than trying to repress everything and causing harm to your mental state of mind.

 

[saffronstuffie]

I know that therapy helps me by easing the flashbacks of my sexual assaults when I talk to my therapist about it. Talking about it in therapy makes it less difficult to deal with and it’s better than trying to repress everything and causing harm to your mental state of mind.

I wish this was the same for me, but whenever i even TRY to talk about my flashbacks, it's like a floodgate that opens, only making me spiral into experiencing the flashbacks, while also trying to describe them. it's very re-traumatizing for me, to the point where i start to dissociate, mainly because my flashbacks tend to be somatic, meaning it feels like i'm reliving / in the moment of the assault, again. i don't know how exactly to talk to a person that's supposed to be seen as safe for me,

Spoiler: somatic memory description, sorry

when it feels like someone familiar's got their hands on me again.

hope this helps make better sense of what i have to deal with.

 

[Friday]

I wish this was the same for me, but whenever i even TRY to talk about my flashbacks, it's like a floodgate that opens, only making me spiral into experiencing the flashbacks, while also trying to describe them. i

That’s the single most common reaction, with PTSD.

NORMAL people? Feel relief, etc., talking things through.

So do people with PTSD, who aren’t talking about capital T Trauma, their hard stuff, but normal bitch whine complain nonsense that feels good to get it off their chest.

Add in that cap T Trauma? With PTSD? And jaws wire shut. Skin gets drenched in sweat. People shit, piss, and puke themselves. Run away. Lash out. Pass out. Get high. Kill themselves. The “avoidance symptom” with PTSD? When it’s not being all ninja subtle, is brutal. as. f*ck.

So classically brutal, that people who deal with trauma survivors OUTSIDE of therapists? Tend to recognize it the same way you’d recognise drinking lemon juice, or gin, instead of water. It. Is. That. WTFO?!? (As you spit it out in a spray, or swallow & raise hell). By people who deal with trauma who aren’t therapists? Lawyers. Cops. Aid workers. Doctors. Journalists. Etc. NOT everyone in those professions, the exact same way that most therapists don’t recognize trauma, real trauma, survivors… even if slapped in the face. People who live, love, & work IN trauma? Start differentiating WICKED FAST the most common different reactions. That avoidance symptom? SCREAMS PTSD. Most other disorders and conditions tend to fixate, and even feel better FROM fixating. PTSD is the opposite of that.

Reliving, instead of remembering? Is f*cking brutal.

And talking about it ain’t gonna feel good.

Talking about all of the complexities aroooooooound the trauma tends to feel good (as it helps feed the avoidance symptom, that’s x10) until it gets to close to the thing that actually bites. With fangs, and poison, and f*ck you, f*ck off, I’m FINE.

 

[saffronstuffie]

woof, finally someone understands how it feels! only difference is I have C-PTSD. I've also noticed that people are VERY sensitive towards big T trauma. I do feel like this ploys into my "avoidance" symptoms, not being able to have resources that SHOULD easily be available - because I DO want to get better, but seeking any help from people that're untrained only hurts my brain more!!
really sucks when that's all i've experienced with therapy, yet i'm still being berated to go to a psychiatric places that most likely WON'T be trauma-informed enough to help me out, they'll just tell me that they can't help me, and to try to find another place that can!! ( even though i've been searching on every site available for any mental wellness services, and NONE NEAR ME DEAL WITH SEXUAL ABUSE. crazy people can even label themselves as "trauma-informed", and not be informed about sexual abuse. ESPECIALLY CSA. )
CBT and DBT didn't work for me at all as a kid, when they were trying to figure out why i'd been having "behavioral issues", or whatever other reason a 5 year old has to see a therapist, that isn't related to the abuse that i'd been experiencing - don't exactly know when to report abuse when you dunno it's abuse, because of how long it's been happening to you. wish more ppl knew that when i was growing up, because i hadn't even been able to comprehend the term "sexual abuse" until i was 15. when one of my friends told me about what they'd been going through at home with their own foster parent.