Sufferer Thought I was just secretly faulty, turns out it's cPTSD from Narc parents and ex!

[Rhuby Red]

Hello,
I am brand new here.

A brief summary:

I started therapy (psychoanalytic psychotherapy with a trauma-informed therapist) in April of this year.
In June, pieces fell together that led me to realise I have a covert narcissist mother, and an overt narcissist father (I never liked my father, but I though my mother was wonderful and my best friend).
I suffered emotional neglect and abandonment, physical neglect and abandonment, and emotional abuse.
I was raised to be the obedient good girl. Anger, sadness, frustration were all forbidden - so got split off and exiled.
If my parents were unhappy, I was told it was because I was hurting them (emotionally).
Didn't understand why everything hurt so much because there was no physical or sexual abuse. So I felt what I was experiencing wasn't bad enough.
Well, turns out it was bad enough, because here we are with cPTSD.
Also worked out that my boyfriend from the time I was 17 to 25 was also a narcissist - it's what I thought love felt like.
At 25, I did some healing work and managed to grow enough self-worth to dump him, and ended up meeting my now-husband (suspected fellow-cPTSD sufferer, but not a narc! Yay! I found someone with lovely empathy!)
Now 37, finally in therapy, finally understanding why I was obsessed with my teachers in high school, and why when school finished I had a mental breakdown.
Finally... I am addressing and healing the hollowness in me, the emptiness in my life, my terror of being a burden, my lack of trust in other people (to care, to stick around, not to secretly hate me), and reintegrating my anger/sadness/grief/frustration/heartbreak that were not permitted to exist and got split off and buried for so long.
Some days I feel more whole than I have in decades. Some days I am a needy mess.
But at least I can feel again, which makes a change from being so numb for so long and finding no joy in anything.
The road may be bumpy, but I am so glad I finally found it.
Looking forward to travelling with you all!

Rhuby

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum:)

 

[parrotthepolly]

Welcome! Being able to experience feelings again must be a nice breakthrough after being numb and in hiding for so long.

 

[Rhuby Red]

Welcome! Being able to experience feelings again must be a nice breakthrough after being numb and in hiding for so long.

Thank you. And it is nice. It certainly means I am appreciating the painful feelings (oh, so much grief!) in a way I never would have been able to before. And it's so good to be out of the anhedonia. I can actually enjoy things. Feels like life might be able to have some meaning again.

 

[arfie]

hello rhuby. welcome to the forum.

when i started my recovery from child sex trafficking in the early 70's, a "narc" was a stool pigeon who was working with the police and combat ptsd was still being called, "shell shock." the names and definitions have all changed, but the consistency which remains is the belief that we can keep our dysfunctions a secret. at the turn of the 70's, attempted secrecy was still culturally mandated. the meanest lies in the world are the ones we tell ourselves.

another consistency is the need to heal from psychic wounds by whatever name and/or cause. support helps. steadying support while you find your healing path. welcome aboard.

 

[Rhuby Red]

when i started my recovery from child sex trafficking in the early 70's, a "narc" was a stool pigeon who was working with the police and combat ptsd was still being called, "shell shock."

Good point! I have thought of the other meaning of narc there. Thank you for the welcome.

 

[arfie]

these days i only hear "narc" talk in reference to ex'es and other people worth hating on. i can't remember the last time i heard it in reference to stool pigeons.

 

[Friday]

How incredibly odd that narcissists wouldn’t clearly state your faults, for you to fix them, but instead you felt you had secret faults.

It must put you at odds in support groups, if narcisstic parents (lovers, siblings, etc.) didn’t outline your every failing.

Although it’s incredibly normal in childhood abuse & neglect, with “normal” abusive &/or neglectful parents… the children blame themselves, for everything, never understanding why it’s their fault, only that it “is” their fault, that shadow dominating their lives until they try to step out of it. Meanwhile? Children of narcissists, usually have an alphabetized & color coded list of “why” & “how” they were at fault, as narcissists capitalise on children blaming themselves, to blueprint it out for them. Creating wildly different issues. Never knowing when the shoe would drop, versus knowing exactly when/where/why/how… with the illusion of control.

Are you SURE your parents were just narcissists and not selfish abusive/neglectful assholes?

 

[Rhuby Red]

How incredibly odd that narcissists wouldn’t clearly state your faults, for you to fix them, but instead you felt you had secret faults.

It must put you at odds in support groups, if narcisstic parents (lovers, siblings, etc.) didn’t outline your every failing.

Are you SURE your parents were just narcissists and not selfish abusive/neglectful assholes?

Haha, oh yes, they definitely are. The 'secret faults' part is about me now, as an adult, looking perfectly fine and high-functioning and likable (hello people-pleasing false self), yet feeling I was broken and hollow and unwanted and harmful if I reached out to people, and not knowing why - because I had forgotten. My memories of childhood are all about how amazing my mum is, how kind, how perfect. When my therapist first dropped enough hints for me to start trying to look at my mum more objectively, I discovered I couldn't - I had thought guards there that deployed all sorts of diversions ("you're fine! You're making a fuss about nothing. Other people have real problems. You're just being an attention seeker. Starting therapy - that was quite an overreaction to feeling a little listless, don't you think? Whinger" or "But remember your father. He was rubbish, wasn't he? His behaviour was bad, remember that time when he..."). But that is because all the memories of what really happened were split off and repressed. I have only recently accessed them - through therapy and some serious howling, shrieking grief crying that brought memories back with it when I finally allowed the feelings in.

Yeah, as you described - in childhood, I was told exactly why I was a problem and harmful to my parents for daring to have needs.