TheBlackRoom
New Here
Hello, this is my first diary entry since my therapist said I should start doing one and also journal I'm very afraid of usually posting things online as I was cyberbullied and blackmailed and also have online CSA by multiple men when I was a kid I now realize that going through that was a result of enduring real life CSA more than once I've also accepted the fact that I have a system and am now doing parts therapy with my therapist and it really makes me think about my life up until now and everything makes so much sense now I only remember my childhood in big gaps I was known as my mothers favorite but my dad was very emotionally absent and I remember sitting on our stairwell and we would bring covers to hide under whenever there was an argument between my father and mother when I was five I got scared and ran out of the room when they were arguing and my dad picked me up the wrist and dragged me behind him he's called me a monster just because I started crying and when I went to school I never knew it until now but I was dissociating and I also daydreamed a lot and at many points and really since I was 5 years old I've heard voices in my head and they would get mad whenever any teacher was slightly rude to me I had friends but I always felt so chronically lonely during the online Cyberbulling I met my protector alter and I also have a big memory gap between when I was 11-12 I also started having horrible thoughts at this time things that I couldn't control and they only got worse as I got older that's from real life CSA we're only just now finding out an all of this and accepting all of this it's all been really hard to accept for all of us especially my little I cried all night and screamed into my pillow everything from my childhood is bubbling up and every perceived slight or insult I got for being different than everyone else but either way I'm doing this for my little because she didn't deserve to go through everything she's gone through I want to recover, heal, and be a better version of myself and I'll fight like hell to make sure it happens I also can't express how proud of myself I really really am at the beginning of the year I could of gotten put in a hospital because I needed stitches and didn't feel like living at all but people I know have given me so much courage and showed me kindness which helped me to accept the dark parts of my life and my mind and I also have the best therapist in the world that I can tell anything to I've learned a lot things from them and I even cried a little bit for the first time in therapy (I'm usually numb and feel nothing during therapy) plus they've helped me so much with my identity problems and we're learning to better take care of our body I'm looking forward to taking a step at getting better.
