coffeelover
New Here
Hi all. I'm reaching out in hopes I can get some help. For context, my partner has PTSD as a result of significant medical traumas and family issues (that happened before we met), in addition to ADHD that was left untreated for several years. His behavior over the course of our relationship has changed drastically and I'm finding it difficult to cope. The best way I can explain his behavior is in stages:
Stage 1:
For the first year and a half we were together he barely got angry and valued peace. I knew he'd had past traumas, but he assured me that he had managed them through therapy and prior medication. From my perspective, it truly seemed like he had! Overall, he was calm and collected, and the odd time he would lose his temper he would apologize profusely and even tear up. As an anxious person who came from a home with an angry family member, I was so thankful to be with someone who truly valued peace and accountability.
Stage 2:
However, about 15 months ago he began getting aggressive during arguments. I think his family issues and some financial set-backs had essentially re-triggered him and I was the closest target. Over the past 15 months, the angry moments have ranged in severity, but the most intense fights have included him: shouting at me, name-calling and saying cruel things (e.g. calling me a pyscho or saying I'm acting like a bitch), playing the car radio at full blast to drown me out, throwing/dropping my keys instead of handing them to me, accusing me of withholding intimacy, mocking me, implying I may be narcissistic when I raise concerns, leaving me behind while we are out walking, and blaming me for his anger problems.
Understandably, this behavior totally caught me off guard. It was so unlike him, and it coincided with a part of my life where I was already struggling. I worked a stressful job with a director who would snap at us and then I'd come home and get blown up at by my partner too - it was rough. After a few months of getting treated like this in my personal and professional life, I became so distraught that I would burst into tears out of nowhere, feel hopeless, and sometimes hit or pinch myself (almost like a kid).
Stage 3:
At some point, I think things clicked for him that he wasn't in a good headspace and things needed to change. There was a period of clarity around 7 months ago where he started to understand how bad these moments were and tried to start treatment. Even though the moments still occurred occasionally, they were far less frequent and he'd take accountability. I also started going to therapy so I could figure out my own anxiety issues - we had so much hope for several months! We even got engaged during this time like we'd previously planned because I truly believed his recovery was underway.
Stage 4:
Sadly, over the last couple months, things regressed. I believe that because his doctor had decided to focus treatment only on his ADHD and not the PTSD/rage, it never truly got to the root of the traumas and triggers. So the angry moments eventually started to pick pack up in frequency and severity, and he started blaming me even more than he was at the beginning. He started to say that I had been too critical despite his progress, the I emasculated him, and that we were basically roommates. On a few occasions, he also tried to imply that me having anxiety was actually worse than him having anger problems.
I truly didn't want to dismiss/invalidate all of his concerns or feelings. I knew that I was partially at fault for his lack of confidence because of my critiques over his tone towards me during conversations; and I knew that over the last couple months, I'd started to become less patient and was more likely to do things like raise my voice a bit during arguments the longer this stuff went on (which clearly didn't help the situation). So, I'd try to say sorry for my part in his anger. But my apologies didn't seem to help much - in fact, he'd just accuse me of only apologizing so that he would apologize too.
Now:
We are in a bit of a tense holding pattern after another series of arguments, and trying to figure out how to live peacefully again. He's trying to get more help by doing additional therapy and is reaching out to his doctor for different meds this week. And I am still in therapy and now on anti-depressants. I'm hopeful these steps will improve things, but I just don't know what to do in the meantime! I need to find coping mechanisms if I'm going to be able to salvage our relationship, support him in recovery, and not lose myself in the process.
Stage 1:
For the first year and a half we were together he barely got angry and valued peace. I knew he'd had past traumas, but he assured me that he had managed them through therapy and prior medication. From my perspective, it truly seemed like he had! Overall, he was calm and collected, and the odd time he would lose his temper he would apologize profusely and even tear up. As an anxious person who came from a home with an angry family member, I was so thankful to be with someone who truly valued peace and accountability.
Stage 2:
However, about 15 months ago he began getting aggressive during arguments. I think his family issues and some financial set-backs had essentially re-triggered him and I was the closest target. Over the past 15 months, the angry moments have ranged in severity, but the most intense fights have included him: shouting at me, name-calling and saying cruel things (e.g. calling me a pyscho or saying I'm acting like a bitch), playing the car radio at full blast to drown me out, throwing/dropping my keys instead of handing them to me, accusing me of withholding intimacy, mocking me, implying I may be narcissistic when I raise concerns, leaving me behind while we are out walking, and blaming me for his anger problems.
Understandably, this behavior totally caught me off guard. It was so unlike him, and it coincided with a part of my life where I was already struggling. I worked a stressful job with a director who would snap at us and then I'd come home and get blown up at by my partner too - it was rough. After a few months of getting treated like this in my personal and professional life, I became so distraught that I would burst into tears out of nowhere, feel hopeless, and sometimes hit or pinch myself (almost like a kid).
Stage 3:
At some point, I think things clicked for him that he wasn't in a good headspace and things needed to change. There was a period of clarity around 7 months ago where he started to understand how bad these moments were and tried to start treatment. Even though the moments still occurred occasionally, they were far less frequent and he'd take accountability. I also started going to therapy so I could figure out my own anxiety issues - we had so much hope for several months! We even got engaged during this time like we'd previously planned because I truly believed his recovery was underway.
Stage 4:
Sadly, over the last couple months, things regressed. I believe that because his doctor had decided to focus treatment only on his ADHD and not the PTSD/rage, it never truly got to the root of the traumas and triggers. So the angry moments eventually started to pick pack up in frequency and severity, and he started blaming me even more than he was at the beginning. He started to say that I had been too critical despite his progress, the I emasculated him, and that we were basically roommates. On a few occasions, he also tried to imply that me having anxiety was actually worse than him having anger problems.
I truly didn't want to dismiss/invalidate all of his concerns or feelings. I knew that I was partially at fault for his lack of confidence because of my critiques over his tone towards me during conversations; and I knew that over the last couple months, I'd started to become less patient and was more likely to do things like raise my voice a bit during arguments the longer this stuff went on (which clearly didn't help the situation). So, I'd try to say sorry for my part in his anger. But my apologies didn't seem to help much - in fact, he'd just accuse me of only apologizing so that he would apologize too.
Now:
We are in a bit of a tense holding pattern after another series of arguments, and trying to figure out how to live peacefully again. He's trying to get more help by doing additional therapy and is reaching out to his doctor for different meds this week. And I am still in therapy and now on anti-depressants. I'm hopeful these steps will improve things, but I just don't know what to do in the meantime! I need to find coping mechanisms if I'm going to be able to salvage our relationship, support him in recovery, and not lose myself in the process.
