Hello. I am a 50 year mom of 3 children, happily married (a miracle, really). I have been diagnosed by psychiatrist, have PTSD and probably have all of my life. Lived with only sporadic intervention (psychiatric care) until I got married. Then - the symptoms of anxiety, inability to leave the house, dissociation came crashing down on me. Recently as my children have become teenagers, my symptoms have intensified to a point that I often feel I can not longer cope. I am in the care of an excellent doctor, but struggle because I have no memories of what I am piecing together was likely very early (infancy) sexual abuse. Anyone else have this experience? So relieved and happy to find you all!
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No Memories, Just Ptsd Symptoms All My Life
- Post starter artsy152
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Hello Artsy;
I too have suffered from severe PTSD practically my whole life and have no memories of the truly tramatic stuff, only what I can glean from the nightmares and piece together from some comments my father made. The entirety of my childhood was traumatic with family violence and a very controlling sick man at the helm. Remembering what I do as far as being beat for the most menial of trepasses leaves me terrified even more of what he did to me in a sexually sick manner when I was probably 3 or 4 years of age.
Without the actual memories, I find it very hard to deal with any of this in the manner others talk of; i.e. confronting your traumas, exposure therapy, emdr. How on earth do you even start when you don't remember.
My last therapist was of the opinion that we don't even attempt to go there, and I sort of agreed merely for the fact that at my age (46) and after all the stress in my screwed up life.......I really truly don't think my heart can take anymore adrenaline rushes. So, I did a little DBT, which as far as I could figure out was primarily about distraction and controlling the symptoms in order to get a bit of relief.
I'm at a lost as far as truly healing goes. I don't understand it or how to go about it when you don't remember. I am more comfortable now and I think that's because I'm on disability and not having stress all the time, plus I have a great husband.
If you figure out how to truly end this and 'deal with it' as they say.........clue me in.
I too have suffered from severe PTSD practically my whole life and have no memories of the truly tramatic stuff, only what I can glean from the nightmares and piece together from some comments my father made. The entirety of my childhood was traumatic with family violence and a very controlling sick man at the helm. Remembering what I do as far as being beat for the most menial of trepasses leaves me terrified even more of what he did to me in a sexually sick manner when I was probably 3 or 4 years of age.
Without the actual memories, I find it very hard to deal with any of this in the manner others talk of; i.e. confronting your traumas, exposure therapy, emdr. How on earth do you even start when you don't remember.
My last therapist was of the opinion that we don't even attempt to go there, and I sort of agreed merely for the fact that at my age (46) and after all the stress in my screwed up life.......I really truly don't think my heart can take anymore adrenaline rushes. So, I did a little DBT, which as far as I could figure out was primarily about distraction and controlling the symptoms in order to get a bit of relief.
I'm at a lost as far as truly healing goes. I don't understand it or how to go about it when you don't remember. I am more comfortable now and I think that's because I'm on disability and not having stress all the time, plus I have a great husband.
If you figure out how to truly end this and 'deal with it' as they say.........clue me in.
- Post starter
- #3
I think we are in the same boat, as far as dealing with something for which specific memories do not exist! It is just good to know I am not alone. I am beginning to understand that I will always live with this, to some degree. My goal right now is to decrease the symptoms to a more manageable level. My problem is that my symptoms are made worse by things we do as a family (vacations, trips to new places) and yet my family is what I live for. Painful.
AngelaMarie
Diamond Member
Hi. I am 46 years old, and have alot of the same things happening to me that are happening to you. I have years of my life that are missing. Alot of my abuse came between the age of birth to 7 years old. I look back and know I was disassociating by the age of 5 years. Hang in there! I wish you much luck. It's great that you have a good marriage.
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- #6
Welcome to the forum Artsy. Glad you found it as you will find lots of support as you wade thru learning how to deal with your PTSD symptoms.
I remember much, but have had complete blocks of memory in some areas (i.e I remember the beginning of certain traumas but not the main traumas themselves). Memories are coming back though, both physical and visual flashbacks, that seem unreal to me. If it weren't for other known facts I would think my brain was making the stuff up. In fact at times I have believed that only to be brought back to the facts and having to admit the truth of it.
Don't try to force things, your brain will let you remember as you are able to handle it.
I am 51 yrs old and like you, looking back I can see I have had PTSD all my life. For some reason it got far harder for me when my boys were teens. I guess maybe the stress that goes along with having teens threw me over the edge and I had a breakdown. I am so glad that you are getting help now so that you can prevent that.
I guess the main thing is to learn to manage your symptoms. The good news, believe it or not, is that can be done!!!! It takes time an hard work. It sounds as if with a wonderful husband and good doctor that you are truly blessed to be in a supportive situation to do so.
Good luck and welcome to the forum!
I remember much, but have had complete blocks of memory in some areas (i.e I remember the beginning of certain traumas but not the main traumas themselves). Memories are coming back though, both physical and visual flashbacks, that seem unreal to me. If it weren't for other known facts I would think my brain was making the stuff up. In fact at times I have believed that only to be brought back to the facts and having to admit the truth of it.
Don't try to force things, your brain will let you remember as you are able to handle it.
I am 51 yrs old and like you, looking back I can see I have had PTSD all my life. For some reason it got far harder for me when my boys were teens. I guess maybe the stress that goes along with having teens threw me over the edge and I had a breakdown. I am so glad that you are getting help now so that you can prevent that.
I guess the main thing is to learn to manage your symptoms. The good news, believe it or not, is that can be done!!!! It takes time an hard work. It sounds as if with a wonderful husband and good doctor that you are truly blessed to be in a supportive situation to do so.
Good luck and welcome to the forum!
Marie E.
Diamond Member
Welcome to the Forum Artsy!
rockymountain
New Here
Welcome Artsy, I agree that very early sexual abuse is very difficult to remember, mine was somewhere between 3 to 7 years, I am lucky that I am in my 30s and I could remember as to who was my abuser was, but the early the abuse the more traumatic it is, But you are very lucky to have got married and have a wonderful husband and children, so you got a good support system. Best of luck.
Hi, I am new to this group as well. I'm 57 years old, and was diagnosed with PTSD by a psychiatrist about a year ago. Six years ago I had to leave work after developing neurological symptoms, which were eventually diagnosed as Conversion Disorder.
Like some of you, I have forgotten some things that happened to me as a child. Sexual abuse was prevelant in my family, and I have dreams that strongly suggest I was involved. I was bullied at school a lot, kicked, etc., on a daily basis. During my teens I was date raped, which I never told anyone about until recently. My son passed away after an illness, and during the time he was sick, my husband (ex now) tried to strangle me.
Artsy, like you I've recently not been able to leave the house much, and am dissociating more and more.
TLight, my psychiatrist recommends the same as your therapist, don't even attempt to go there, I guess I'm not strong enough at this point.
I am so grateful to have found this forum, just to know there are others who understand, I don't feel so alone in the world any more. The articles about having your cup filled with stress and overflowing have helped me to understand myself a bit better. I couldn't figure out why I can't seem to accomplish more during a day. Thank you all for being here.
Like some of you, I have forgotten some things that happened to me as a child. Sexual abuse was prevelant in my family, and I have dreams that strongly suggest I was involved. I was bullied at school a lot, kicked, etc., on a daily basis. During my teens I was date raped, which I never told anyone about until recently. My son passed away after an illness, and during the time he was sick, my husband (ex now) tried to strangle me.
Artsy, like you I've recently not been able to leave the house much, and am dissociating more and more.
TLight, my psychiatrist recommends the same as your therapist, don't even attempt to go there, I guess I'm not strong enough at this point.
I am so grateful to have found this forum, just to know there are others who understand, I don't feel so alone in the world any more. The articles about having your cup filled with stress and overflowing have helped me to understand myself a bit better. I couldn't figure out why I can't seem to accomplish more during a day. Thank you all for being here.
purple butterfly
Gold Member
Welcome Arsty!
This is the first time I have felt able to write a bit more about my PTSD on this forum. I have recently discovered I have PTSD. This has only come to light since my alcoholic husband of 30 years died of oesophageal cancer in Dec 2008. My psychologist said this is because it is the frst time in my life that I have had the space to start dealing with trauma. I am 54 with my three adult children living with me. My marriage was very traumatic and at first I thought this is where all my trauma lay. Now I am in the process of discovering that what I thought was a loving, "perfect" family as I was growing up was controlled by my father who is a narcissist and caused me lot of hidden trauma.
I am now dealing with the realisation that what I thought was a happy, balanced, family life was not. I feel as though I have lost my sense of who I am. I have enormous reserves of anger that I still can't process and am having intensive weekly counselling at the moment to try and sort out more trauma.
From what you all have been saying it seems like we have all had PTSD almost our entire lives. I wonder if trauma has been over such a long time, do we ever get to the bottom of it.
It seems to be an essential core of who we are.
This is the first time I have felt able to write a bit more about my PTSD on this forum. I have recently discovered I have PTSD. This has only come to light since my alcoholic husband of 30 years died of oesophageal cancer in Dec 2008. My psychologist said this is because it is the frst time in my life that I have had the space to start dealing with trauma. I am 54 with my three adult children living with me. My marriage was very traumatic and at first I thought this is where all my trauma lay. Now I am in the process of discovering that what I thought was a loving, "perfect" family as I was growing up was controlled by my father who is a narcissist and caused me lot of hidden trauma.
I am now dealing with the realisation that what I thought was a happy, balanced, family life was not. I feel as though I have lost my sense of who I am. I have enormous reserves of anger that I still can't process and am having intensive weekly counselling at the moment to try and sort out more trauma.
From what you all have been saying it seems like we have all had PTSD almost our entire lives. I wonder if trauma has been over such a long time, do we ever get to the bottom of it.
It seems to be an essential core of who we are.
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