Sexual Assault Horrible Action i Did

[throw-away-acc]

When i was 12-15, i raped my 4-7 year old girl family member that was laying next to me watching TV, by rubbing my genital to move her underwear and force my genital on her vagina (basically penetration, my genital was 30% in) many times... (for like 2-4 days and for 2-3 years afaik)
This memory popped out again and I'm a bit worried (well since when i confess i get relief), i want to move on, but i can't, i need help.

I also did alot other sexual stuff to my other cousins when i was 9-12 (one is 3 year old younger the other 4 year old younger), including penetrating their buttholes many times with my finger and index finger.

I knew everything at the time, gravity consequences etc... I was mature so no excuses at all...

I can forget all of this behind, but i don't know if i should, or not, i need basically a validation or something. (i've seen many bad posts about perpetrators by victims in reddit etc...)

Can i get to jail ? since 15 case can be moved to an adult, if i am an adult (i'm 22 now)

So what's your opinion guys ? (I need a harsh, factual, down to earth opinions if possible)

 

[parrotthepolly]

The real question is do you still want to do similar things now or in the future?

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

This memory popped out again and I'm a bit worried (well since when i confess i get relief), i want to move on, but i can't, i need help.

Are you still in contact with the family members?

I knew everything at the time, gravity consequences etc... I was mature so no excuses at all...

12-15 isn't mature. That's old enough to *think* you're mature, not much else.
You did some terrible things but I'm concerned about your environment/upbringing/experiences/other factors that led to this happening. Might be useful for you to think about and figure out why/how this happened. It's important.
Under normal circumstances 12-15yr olds don't rape/molest others. And this started when you were 9, also concerning.
This was happening for years and nobody did anything? Not screaming "normal" family environment to me, for you or your cousins.



I don't know what the laws would say, they vary by area.




You need some kind of closure to move on, and probably psychiatric support of some kind, too. I don't know anything about your situation but I'd figure there's a lot of very uncomfortable, difficult stuff to unpack. Preteens/Teens that age don't just wake up one day and decide to do all that.

There should have been responsible adults doing something to prevent/stop what was happening. If your younger cousins didn't tell, what prevented them? If they did and nothing happened, why?

They should never have ended up in those situations and been allowed to stay there, and you should never have ended up being sexual towards them, either.

 

[throw-away-acc]

The real question is do you still want to do similar things now or in the future?

in a way, kinda...

 

[parrotthepolly]

in a way, kinda...

That is a problem, maybe consider therapy?

If it happens again, it'll cause the victim lasting mental and/or physical harm.

 

[PlainJane]

Mod Note:
I removed your trigger warnings as we do not use them here. We are a forum for PTSD with a wide spectrum of triggers, anything could set someone off. If you have any questions hit us up at the Contact forum.

 

[throw-away-acc]

Are you still in contact with the family members?


12-15 isn't mature. That's old enough to *think* you're mature, not much else.
You did some terrible things but I'm concerned about your environment/upbringing/experiences/other factors that led to this happening. Might be useful for you to think about and figure out why/how this happened. It's important.
Under normal circumstances 12-15yr olds don't rape/molest others. And this started when you were 9, also concerning.
This was happening for years and nobody did anything? Not screaming "normal" family environment to me, for you or your cousins.



I don't know what the laws would say, they vary by area.




You need some kind of closure to move on, and probably psychiatric support of some kind, too. I don't know anything about your situation but I'd figure there's a lot of very uncomfortable, difficult stuff to unpack. Preteens/Teens that age don't just wake up one day and decide to do all that.

There should have been responsible adults doing something to prevent/stop what was happening. If your younger cousins didn't tell, what prevented them? If they did and nothing happened, why?

They should never have ended up in those situations and been allowed to stay there, and you should never have ended up being sexual towards them, either.

Well, the family environement was good, nothing was "really" wrong, i was never abused, the problem was on me, i was hypersexual in a way, and i acted on these OCD thoughts.

Maybe she didn't care, she thought i was "playing with her" or she didn't feel anything because she was busy watching tv ?, she was avoiding me and I basically "forced" her to like me, remember many times holding her and touching with my genital on her butt without being naked and telling her "why don't you like?", and this specific one i remember i did when i finished 8th grade, she was shy or didn't have any reaction, then i was shocked andwas kinda afraid that she will tell her parents. (i told myself to just move on)

Basically that's what they all thought, i don't remember if i told them don't say anything or something, i was "playing" with them most of the time.

Yes I'm still in contact with them, i have good relations with them so far (not sure if they remember??).

[Ok i'll admit something, i don't actually remember if i penetrated at all and how many times i did it per year, the only thing i remember is me being naked and trying to press my genital on her thighs (by using my hand and then without my hand like putting your body in C-Shape I'm not sure how you call it, basically it makes your genital press harder) then i attempted to penetrate, by moving my body up a bit, like to position my genital correctly, then i swinged my genital many times to move her underwear, then and at the same time do the C-Shape position to press on the vagina harder (basically penetration in this case, i think i failed to penetrate correctly), then i guided my genital using my hands, and i think i tried to move her underwear again but i failed then just pressed on her underwear (same thing i did after, for the first case), I'm not sure if any of these cases i succeded to penetrate her, the only reaction i remember is she moved away first, but then she didn't care (or she did and didn't understand what i was doing), maybe she thought i was playing, but i was very careful to not make her notice (going very slow during all of this process), i'm not sure if her vulva was showing, i remember white underwear and that's it, probably pressed on her vulva idk, but i always take worse case scenarios, this is how my OCD works, since 90% of the time it's true, and i can't risk saying "no, but i don't exactly remember blabla..." just i go all in, and sathe worst case scenario possible (for example the butthole thing was 95-99% certain true, so in this case i can't say well i don't remember or it's false memory OCD, etc...)

 

[Sideways]

This is a ptsd peer support forum.

Do you have PTSD?

 

[throw-away-acc]

This is a ptsd peer support forum.

Do you have PTSD?

No, it's just i risked it posting it here, since i didn't know where else to post (this is why i added the trigger warning), and this forum seems a bit more professional.

 

[throw-away-acc]

That is a problem, maybe consider therapy?

If it happens again, it'll cause the victim lasting mental and/or physical harm.

Well unfortunatly I still act on urges (sexual assault only, touching any body part with any of my body part or , yes including my genital...), no matter the age and gender, basically i'm attracted to anything unfortunalty (except animals, well) (i blame the p addiction), and it's mixed with OCD, feeling sometimes phantom feelings, and fighting the urge and basically moving like a lunatic (moving my entire body in a shaky manner, sometimes sabotaging myself, putting my self inn very bad position in purpose because,well ,i have dirty mind, since a young age unfortunatly....)
I also try to avoid people in general, but it doesn't work much, especially on crowded area (trains for example)

I also have predatory symptoms, like following (minors or adult), or other god forbid actions...

I went to a therapist, told him most of these things, and he said "you don't wanna ruin our future" basically saying just control yourself, well i have OCD meds only, they are kinda ineffective, because i want to stay like this for some dirty reasons (but do i really want to just live a normal life ? probably sick and tired of always feeling guilt by my OCD, i really wonder if OCD didn't exist would i do something even more horrible ?)

 

[throw-away-acc]

Mod Note:
I removed your trigger warnings as we do not use them here. We are a forum for PTSD with a wide spectrum of triggers, anything could set someone off. If you have any questions hit us up at the Contact forum.

The reason i added it, is because i risked posting it here (i don't have ptsd), and it lowers the chance of reminding people of this stuff that happened to them (unfortunalty i'm acting on of these intrusive thoughts of reminding people of their trauma, but at the same time i want to hear opinions, hence i added the warning)

Final reason, since i've seen people on reddit and discord do it, i just started doing it too (althought most of my reddit accounts got shadow banned for saying this type of stuff, but most were helpful, for discord, i got ip address banned from a group)

 

[Movingforward10]

This isn't the forum for you as you don't have PTSD.

You sexually abused children. In the UK you are criminally responsible from the age of 10. And you have said you are not sure if you want to sexually abuse children again but then said that you do seltillabuse children/people. You have admitted that you knew it was wrong and gone into detail about what you have done, which reads to me quite gratuitously.

Are you getting off explaining this to everyone on this website?

You need therapuetic help.

This is a peer on peer PTSD forum. Not a place for perpetrators to ask about their abusive behaviour.


Go take yourself to a police
station if you really care and want to address your behaviour. And stop assaulting people.