I am relatively new to EMDR, and because finding this forum helped me, I thought I should share my experiences in case they might be helpful. I am a 43 year old woman. I am also the child of an alcoholic mother and 3 out of 4 alcoholic fathers (real father, first step-father, live in boyfriend - last step father not an alcoholic, but also not totally healthy and an enabler). I was molested by my god father from ages 5-7. I watched the three alcoholic father figures beat the crap out of my mother on a regular basis. My mom died of complications from cirrhosis when I was 25. But, on the outside, everything about me looks good. I'm a graduate of the best undergraduate business school in the country, I went to a top 10 law school, I've done many things that people consider "prestigious," I have two careers, I'm attractive.
A couple of years ago, I went to someone to get hypnotized because I was taking swimming lessons and I had a fear of putting my face in the water because of something that happened to me as a child. We talked a little and she said she thought I might have some childhood traumas and, because of how well I had responded to hypnosis, EMDR might help me. Even though I should probably have listened to her, I still refused to believe I had any problems. At the time, I was a partner at a law firm. I have since left that job to work for the state. Maybe that has given me room to have a nervous breakdown, or maybe it was something else.
Anyway, a few months ago, I went to visit my sick grandmother (mom of step dad #2). I came back, and the shit really hit the fan. I started crying every day. Not being able to get out of bed. Panic attacks. Insomnia. So exhausted I was going to my car to take naps in the parking garage during the day. The whole 9 yards. One day, I was at the home of some friends and so completely had a panic attack that I had to go lie down by myself on their cold tiled bathroom floor. The woman's mom found me. I told her and she told me she loved me and that I needed to go to the doctor. Maybe it was something easy like blood pressure. I told her I was afraid because everyone in my family dies before 55 and what if this was it? Single, sad, and sadsack and gonna die in 10 years?
I got up the nerve to go to the doctor. I did have a horrible sinus infection, but he also was afraid I was exhausting myself and would end up depressed (no, I didn't tell him everything - I'm a wuss). I went to see a therapist and in one visit she said we had a lot of work to do and that maybe I should talk to my doctor about some medication. He made me come in, so I thought he was going to say no. Instead, he told me (once I told him the whole story) that he would give me something, but that he wanted me to promise that when I started to feel better in 4-6 weeks, i wouldn't give up. I'd need it to get through the therapy. I love my PCP.
So, after a few weeks, my therapist and I did our first EMDR session. I started with how my godfather used to take me in his camper, have sex with me, then give me a dime and tell me it made me a dirty whore. We went through all the stages. I was surprised - I cried. But, by the end, I was smiling. I felt really good about the experience. I was exhausted, but had dinner plans with a high school friend who was in from out of town, so went out to dinner, had one glass of wine and a big meal. Was completely distracted. Went home, passed out. WOW. My dreams were VIVID. And I remembered details. To a degree I was really surprised about. But I still felt good. Even though it made me remember other stuff.
Our next visit was the day before the 18th anniversary of my mom's death, so we just did CBT. And yesterday was my second EMDR. We were focusing on how my mom used to leave me alone and I would call every bar on the avenue trying to find her. Although this experience seems less objectively "bad" than what my godfather did, it is more complex. I was also distracted. And all I could come up with for my feelings was "stupid" or "silly" because I would call and of course they'd lie and say she wasn't there or just left of whatever. I felt really disattached relating this. Even my therapist said that I was really in control talking about it and she wanted to cry. We didn't get to the same point that we had with the other issue. But she walked me through letting go for the session. But, again, exhausted,
I came home, slept for two hours, got up, read for a while and ate. Then went back to bed. Again, very vivid dream. One nothing related to childhood. Another, weird, vivid, and related. I woke up sobbing - wet pillow, crunchy eyelashes. But, instead of labeling my emotions as "silly" or "stupid," I actually had words for them - lonely, bereaved, and abandoned. I emailed my therapist this morning to share, so that we'd have a place to pick up for the next session.
So, I guess my point is, not every session is always going to be magical, but I still feel like I made progress. It was hard for me to admit I needed help. But I have an amazing PCP, a therapist I feel comfortable with and, despite my ridiculous intimacy problems, amazing friends who have been and continue to be so supportive. To all those of you struggling with the same "is this for me" - don't let one "bad" session put you off. But, also, if it always feels bad, stop. Just 'cause I *think* it's working for me doesn't mean it's for you.
Thanks to all of you who were brave enough to post before me and who helped me through last night, which was a rough one.
