My First Serious Thought... I Am So Scared!

[missing_the _sunshine]

I am so embarrassed and ashamed that I am even posting this but feel like I need to tell someone. I have often had thoughts about what the world would be like if I wasn't here...whether it would even make a blip on the radar. But today I actually thought about doing it, I went so far as to search it on the net. I am just so gutless that I couldn't go through with it. What if I stuffed it up and had to live with the aftermath. I am so scared. Where to now? How do I get back from here?

 

[OKRADLAK]

Sunshine-

Oops.I had a post that vanished, so there may be two. If so,I will try to delete one.

I was asking if you may be on a new drug? Has something changed? Or is it just the daily grinding of PTSD?

My ideation started with meds. I was always kinda thinking of it way back in the mind, but went on a new med and POW ----it was over night.

I formulated a plan, threw stuff out, said bye and then when I was ready I went to woods to do it.

It started to rain and I do not know if it was the rain but I said F it and decided to live my life and see what happened.

THat was many years ago.I obsessed about it every single day for YEARS. I hid in my closet and it was awful..........but I did manage to do some good things between that time and now.

But it seems I have no more ability to make the good outweight the bad. I am tired, worn out, beat........I am glad I stuck around but not sure i can much longer. But I do keep trying. New therapist that I do not trust, trying to accept, etc........I want to live but not in this much pain.

Really try to consider all other options. It is so terribly painful for those who love you! And once you start obsessing on it, it's hard.

I am very glad you are ambivalent still. I am too. That means we can keep going?

 

[AngelaMarie]

Missing the sunshine, OKRADLAK,
Keep going!!! Keep trying!!! Every day is new, and gosh darn it we are all worth it! I tried to give up too, and by the grace of a higher power I am still here to kiss my boys everyday. You have a purpose. Is it fair to feel the pain? No, maybe not. However, if you can overcome..how many people may you touch in your lives. Keep the faith and move forward, yeah?:inlove:

 

[OKRADLAK]

Angela, your words mean a lot. I went to be around the very people you were talking about. It is important to look in their eyes and know you have no choice...........people who love us need us around. Thank you for talking sense and wisdom!

 

[ronin47]

You can get through this sunshine. Find ways to distract yourself from the thoughts when they come up. Remeber that you are a beautiful child of God and He cherishes you more than you could ever imagine. When you weep, He weeps for you. Stay strong. When you come out the other end without hurting yourself, you'll be glad you did.

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

I was asking if you may be on a new drug? Has something changed? Or is it just the daily grinding of PTSD?

Not really sure. Same medication, same dose. I am wondering whether something at work had stirred things up a bit. I am a teacher and had to complete a mandatory reporting for one of the students in my grade confiding in me about abuse at home. The Dad put 2 an 2 together that it was me that made the report and came to school and verbally abused me and threw some things around.

Really try to consider all other options. It is so terribly painful for those who love you!

I think that's one of my probems - I can count these people on one hand. My brother would be the only person and I know that he doesnt even know its me when I look into his eyes.

But as you can tell...I have made it through another day! Albeit just!

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

Thank you Angela and Ronin for you words. Maybe I am not so alone after all.

 

[Sethe]

Sounds like the Dad's actions may have triggered you.

Not your fault.

You deserve to live. We all do.

 

[mamachick]

I hope your talking to a therapist about your thoughts. When I first started having them I had no therapist to talk to about my thoughts. Mine was following a head injury. I went to a neuropsychiatrist and paid almost $400 myself. I wrote on the history form that I had suicidal ideation and details of it. I had also just begun that pill to quit smoking that said it had no side effects. The psychiatrist never addressed the issue with me and when he sent a report to my family doctor, it said-no suicidal ideation.

For me, once those thoughts were there, they got stronger. I would resist them and do a lot of positive self talk and reasoning. I kept a gratitude journal and stuff like that. Mine did turn out to be meds but I hope anybody having these thoughts talks with someone that they can call 24/7

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

I hope your talking to a therapist about your thoughts.

I have not mentioned it yet...because she has previosuly spoken about needing to breach her confidentiality with other patients, because it was her duty of care to inform people (my family) if she was concerned for my safety. She would rather do that than her or my doctor getting a call one day to say that I had done it.

I can't risk that happening because the abuse at home is terrible already without them being called. If they were called I know that the abuse would escalate to an unbearable level - a risk I cant afford to take. So I am just keeping it under my hat at the moment.

 

[Zemi]

I don't think you are gutless for not going through with it; I think, you've got guts for admitting you are scared and wondering how to get to a different place (state of mind?). If you can't talk to your therapist, have you thought about calling a hotline or something where you'd be more anonymous so that at least you can talk more about what is going through your mind? I know having your family know feels like it would be unbearable, wouldn't this be an even bigger risk?

 

[AngelaMarie]

Zemi,
I really liked your idea about the hotline, or somewhere more anonymous. It's a great alternative!