Another Dissassociation Question-

[OKRADLAK]

I am still confused about these. My T was really pushing me about this and I never thought I had it but now I wonder.

I had a re-trauma that just blew my mind and that is when I started with the really weird stuff.

I seemed to block so much of it out that I forgot things ---reading my diary I am appalled that I "chose" to forget. But then I DO remember, so it's not gone.

I also NEED to zone out. It is not something I run from. I have to zone out or I am a mess. I eat to the radio and am totally lost. If you walk in on me, I am undone. To zone is my new default so it is not like it happens when I do not expect it.

I feel totally stoned, totally disconnected to everyone. TOTALLY.

When I have to be around people, it is like I am forced to live in color but I am black and white. And it hurts, too much color,and sound and light and pain to be touched and to hear........

I often cannot hear what people are saying to me anyway. I have to ask them to repeat.

If I am around anyone, I am 100% different than if I am alone.

Alone I might stand and stare for long periods or obsessively work on my Chinese symbols, totally blocking out.

It works. But I have forgotten many things that made me who I was.

Can anyone relate? Is this more like autism than a DID? Any insight would be helpful . Even my T. was like, "Hmmmm --is it a fugue? Are you aware when this happens? "

I am more confused about it than ever!!!:eek:

 

[Mercy]

I totally understand having different 'modes' of being. I get overwhelmed by too much sensory input also. I'm not familiar with zoning out but maybe we are using different words for the same thing. I get starey, blank and very still. It is a comforting state of a kind of shutdown. I usually just go lie down for a while until the need for retreat has passed.

I have no idea if autism is present because you say you can choose to zone out. I think an autistic person is that way all the time.

It seems like you and your T. will be able to figure this all out but it can take quite a while.
Noticing what you can remember and what you can 'disremember' may help you track down what's going on.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Thanks, Mercy! It is puzzling and often makes me wonder why I am even in therapy. It seems to stir stuff up so much!

 

[Mercy]

Thanks, Mercy! It is puzzling and often makes me wonder why I am even in therapy. It seems to stir stuff up so much!

True statement!! It takes much courage to face what can come up in therapy. It has been my experience over many years now, that only what I am internally ready to deal with will come up. Our Psychies are protected by some inner knowing about when to let stuff out or not. There may be flashbacks that are 'out of order' but I learned how to handle them without having to delve into new content most of the time.

I hope you will keep trying even when it is hard. Getting better has many benefits!!!

 

[Mercy]

Okradlak, how's it going? Thinking about you :)

 

[OKRADLAK]

Thank you, Mercy, for checking in! My T was very very kind about my privacy questions. She told me exactly how the LAW works and explained that she takes it very seriously. That made a world of difference.

I know that they are all supposed to, but I had some T's who did talk to me about other patients in a way that they could be identified so I was glad that she laid out that she is not like that. That even if she could get away with it, which they usually can, she would still not do it.

I think I can finally trust my T. :) But my trust issues are like so many on here.......we seem to be very fragile with trust even when it is established.

 

[Mercy]

I think I can finally trust my T. :) But my trust issues are like so many on here.......we seem to be very fragile with trust even when it is established.

That is so true trust is a tough one. Sometimes trust stays great but usually, I think that we all test it at time too. Your T will know that too. I'm proud of you for asking her and being able to hear her answers. great!

 

[Muzikluvr]

Okradlak, I've written about some of my trauma memories and I called it a trauma stare. I remember a girl declaring that I looked just like her brother used to look before I "became friends" with him. He was abused severely and he took it out on me. Everyone thought we were friends even though he was clearly a bully. Apparently, I was his cure. He stopped looking "retarded" after he found that abusing me was a good outlet for him. Anyway, that's where I trace it back to for me.

I remember after recovering the basic memories of abuse, my cousin was over at my parent's house in the family room by himself. I was told not to talk to him, but my family was always covering things up and I wanted to know if I could help him. I went in there to talk to him and he looked like he was stoned. I brought up drug use and he said he wasn't stoned. He'd done so much acid that he could "trip on his own" now. That struck a cord with me. I even said "Me too!" because that's what I felt like when I self soothed by staring off like that. I didn't like doing drugs because I wanted more control than that. The trauma stare allowed me to "trip", but to have the ability to pull myself out of it.

I must admit though, that I found I could do a lot of tasks while staring off so that I wouldn't have to completely snap out of it. First, I learned to blink and fidget so people would stop hitting me and making fun of me. If they knew I was staring off, they always took advantage of my vulnerable state. But, I also learned that I could do repetitive tasks and still stare off like that. I enjoyed detasseling corn, especially on a detasseling machine (which carries the detasselers down the row so we didn't have to walk). Once I'd mastered so many high level skills... lets not discuss driving... I did find it hard to break away from the trauma stare. I would turn my head, but my eyes would still be unfocused. In dire conditions, I even shook my head to get out of it, but wouldn't really be able to think clearly about whatever was being asked of me at the time. Most people would look at me like I was an idiot and say "never mind". The more that that happened, the more time I was given alone because no one looked to me to participate anymore.

Does that sound like the same kind of thing you're talking about? It's not easy to break that habit, especially if it soothes you. I wasn't allowed to soothe myself with food or drink or a nap. I was visiting relatives and had no place of my own to go. I wasn't safe alone anyway. I had to soothe myself in front of everyone, but as I said, without their knowing it.

I blocked out all abuse. I thought I was blessed with a wonderful family and never had met with any trouble. I knew there were people I avoided, but I thought it was because I was ashamed of something and I didn't want them to bring it up. I didn't understand a lot of the things people said about me. But, once I started remembering the things that happened, I understood why my guardians and peers thought so little of me and it made me very angry... but now I understand my anger and where it comes from. Which is MUCH better than being angry for no apparent reason.

I now believe that the trauma stare is what allowed me to block it all out and when I feel overwhelmed that feeling comes over me and I am paralyzed. The first thing to go is my memory. I can't remember what was happening just before the paralysis began. And, once I understood that that was a problem, I demanded my own attention to it... but found that I'd rather not know. I sank down into my soothing stare and enjoyed hours of indulgent idleness. The paralysis traveled through my body and I was limp, if I was alone, but if people were around the only movement I could make was to appear that I was reading or watching tv or something to explain my lack of movement. I was afraid to get their attention, even when I knew I needed help, because I thought they would take advantage of me. They could lure me away quite easily in that state.

Thank you so much for your post! After writing this, I was going to end by saying that I don't do that anymore. But the truth is that I've found ways so that I'm not overwhelmed like that as much anymore. In fact, I think it may be why I quit my job, why I am afraid to go back to college, or get a different job, or volunteer... or leave my house. Huh. I'll have to bring this up in therapy. Again, thank you! I hope you found something useful in this response.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Muzik----YES! The trauma stare! Oh my gosh, I learn so much on here....how much we all have in common. It is scary to me that we all respond almost the same because it means that human beings really have the ability to truly destroy another person. I had always kind of hoped it was just me, that people were more resilient, but we are not, are we?

It just seems sad that we are so fragile and so dependent on other people being kind and civil because those are the very things we were NOT created to be like. We were created to war and struggle and fight.

I am sorry that guy thought you were his cure. I do believe that many who were abused do this to others. It is tragic. Like there is no stopping it.

 

[Mercy]

Muzik, I'm sad that you were abused too. You did a really good job of writing it out.

I just wanted to let you know that the people who become sexual abusers after being abused are the tip of the iceberg of abuse. May more abuse without having been victims themselves. Pedofiliacs often have no abuse in their histories, just a misplaced attraction to kids. Man, they can really scr*w us up though.

The trauma stare, is it like disassociation?

 

[Muzikluvr]

I think that disassociation is the core of the trauma stare. It's the ultimate block to all present happenings. It washes over me and relieves me of responsibility, fight or flight, necessity of every kind. I was strangled when I was 20 and I used the trauma stare to decrease my heart rate and breathing. I relaxed in a way that most people probably couldn't have done under those conditions. The attacker checked for a pulse and didn't find one. He'd done this before according to him and the bully from my childhood. They even wondered why I wasn't bucking like the rest had done and it became apparent that unless I put up some kind of struggle, he would sit on top of me smothering me in a pillow case with his thumbs pressing into my throat until I did in fact run out of breath. I bucked. Then went still again. They bought my death.

The trauma stare, as I call it, is useful. When I was a child, I would be in trouble if I freaked out and I had to manage that fight or flight somehow. Of course as with all useful coping mechanisms, it has its drawbacks. For instance, I couldn't remember the details of the attack and did not report it. I flew home the next day with a mixture of semen, urine and feces after being brutally raped, and I didn't know I was covered in those fluids. I didn't know I smelled bad until the man next to me leaned over to see if he could help me in some way and then jerked away covering his nose. I even hugged the bully before leaving and told him I loved him because I wanted him to know that someone cares about him. I hoped that he changed his evil ways... although I couldn't exactly remember what those were; nor did I want to try to remember. Look up Stockholm Syndrome.

I stated before that sometimes I have a hard time pulling myself out of it. And when it washes over me, I'm not always a willing participant. Sometimes it washes over me like a straight jacket and I feel the fight or flight but cannot actually move - fortunately that is rare. The trauma stare is not rare, just that paralysis. I'd guess that the paralysis is present when fear is a factor.

I had my own little freak out after my last post. Kind of a public break through for me; I like to have those epiphanies privately. But this post is scary because it gives details that are personally identifying to the bully and I fear that he will read it and mess with me again. How can I tell my story, get validation from others, if I am terrified that I will be targeted again? I want to erase the whole post. I think predators read this stuff more than victims. I worry that they will learn from my story. Do you agree? Would it be selfish of me to post my diary? What is it that causes me to ignore my fear and decide to believe that I am wrong and somehow safe here, even though I really don't believe that? Desperation...?

 

[Mercy]

I now believe that the trauma stare is what allowed me to block it all out and when I feel overwhelmed that feeling comes over me and I am paralyzed. The first thing to go is my memory. I can't remember what was happening just before the paralysis began.....if people were around the only movement I could make was to appear that I was reading or watching tv or something to explain my lack of movement. I was afraid to get their attention, even when I knew I needed help, because I thought they would take advantage of me. They could lure me away quite easily in that state.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I understand your feeling of being exposed after posting. This post, while telling us about the trauma stare and briefly mentioning a bully seems to me to be quite appropriate and not dangerous in terms of being found. Anthony goes to great lengths to protect us and our identities.