Tonight I'm Feeling Trapped

[Reclusive]

Thank you!!! The palo verdes are blooming and I want to get a picture of them. They're so beautiful and there are other flowers just down the block. Maybe I won't make it around the whole thing, I probably won't be able to try, but getting passed the mailbox will be pretty huge.

I'm wondering if I should sneak out now or wait till after everyone goes to work. LOL

Edit: Okay, I snuck out to the mailbox, since I check the mail Monday mornings. There are kids EVERYWHERE!!! Gonna wait a couple hours and maybe try again.

 

[Reclusive]

Lately I feel like I'm in an invisible prison. I actually WANT to go out and do stuff and then I start getting ready and the fear overwhelms me. I want to go out and go shooting in the desert. I KNOW there isn't anyone out there, but I still can't make myself go. And I get so frustrated going round and round in my brain I end up with migraines and it's making me crazy. I know I should just force myself to go, that it's good exposure therapy, but I just can't make myself.....

Oh, and it's been hard to be on the forums because they can be a stressor sometimes and I can't handle it, so I feel even more like I'm in an invisible prison.

 

[KP the nut]

I actually WANT to go out and do stuff and then I start getting ready and the fear overwhelms me. I want to go out and go shooting in the desert. .

(((Reclusive)))

You are not alone my friend. I know the whole I want to go and do .......... BUT then the doubt creeps in and I start to think it is all just to much effort. It is much easier to sit and watch in your case Criminal Minds and Dr Who, in mine episodes of CSi (any, Miami, New York, whatever).

We need to push ourselves ever so slightly, baby steps but we do need to keep pushing forward. You have done great already, going out and you have the photos to prove it. Keep going and I will do the same - of course, remember to ground and breathe as we go.

Oh, and it's been hard to be on the forums because they can be a stressor sometimes and I can't handle it, so I feel even more like I'm in an invisible prison.

I've been stressed lately by a couple of incidents on here, I've stopped welcoming new members :(. I don't know who I can trust anymore. I keep in touch with old friends and hope and trust that they are what they seem, but it is difficult. I will fight this feeling and hopefully overcome it - even Tigger is fighting for me :).

Linking arms and sending strength
KP

 

[Reclusive]

You always have the cutest avatars, KP - they make me smile! Thank you so much for your words. I guess I'm really just frustrated at how long it's taking me to get where I want to go. I have yet to make it around the block successfully, but what I really want to do is take a 5 minute drive out to the desert, drag a model along with me, and take some beautiful portraits. Le sigh. But you're right - baby steps. First the block, then the world.....

::linking arms::

 

[KP the nut]

but what I really want to do is take a 5 minute drive out to the desert, ::

Just had a thought, have you driven anywhere yet?

If not, try this. At first just go and sit in the car, don't even turn on the engine, listen to some music until you feel calm. Then go back in the house and reward yourself.

Next, once you are OK in the car, turn the enging on and sit again until you're OK.

When you are ready, drive a short distance, and I mean v short. Build up v slowly. When panic sets in, go back a step. Remember to reward yourself.

I don't know if the above will help, it is something I did when starting to drive again.

Linking arms
(((HUGS)))
KP

 

[Reclusive]

Thank you KP. I do get out, but I seem to have established a list of "safe places" to go - the grocery, the bank, and Jack-in-the-box. Driving anywhere else kinda freaks me out. I can get there okay, but then I can't get out of my car or I start freaking out when I think of getting out of the car. It's like my car is a safe place, too, but it travels. I don't know. I don't know if I make any sense. But I'm okay to drive, just getting out of the car is a major issue. And having to watch my gas usage doesn't help any.

 

[OKRADLAK]

You are fighting so hard, Reclusive. It is inspiring. (((((Reclusive))))

Sometimes when I feel that, I block out my senses with earplugs and sunglasses. It does help. Then I just look at the floor and not people.

 

[Reclusive]

Thank you, OKRADLAK, I appreciate it. But I'm tired of fighting. I feel like I'm stagnant and rotting away like a wet log in a swamp, getting all slimy and disgusting and slowly falling to bits. Sometimes I just want to scream and make it all go away.....