Child Abuse And Guilt

[SimplyComplex]

Both my parents have expressed guilt...but for odd reasons.

Mom is dx with BPD and is fairly severe in her disease. She has cried, wanted to die, held me on the phone for hours while I made her feel better about ... (get ready for it) allowing evil men to take her away from her children and allowing me to abuse my brother. I even agreed with her...yet I did not abuse my brother, she did. And she abandoned us (and abused us) in 1000 different ways that had nothing to do with the men in her life. She wouldn't even allow me around her boyfriends out of jealousy (which is a good thing in my book, but still). So she feels profound guilt and shame, part of her overall problem I guess. But she doesn't feel actual remorse for her actual abuse. I have gone to no contact with her as I recover and she has refused to allow me the space to heal. She never did anything...and I guess she owns me too. Something like that.

My dad has apologized in pretty random ways. His mental illness is different...he likely has a PD, but he also is not always in touch with the basics of reality. So he apologized and seemed to feel very guilty for telling me it was stupid I wanted to be a princess when I was 5...yet threatening me and chasing me down the street where I feared for my life (and many bystanders called 911 because they feared for my life!), he neglects to mention. And then calls crying about how he never did anything but has shown me love...

ok...thanks guys.

But I think some parents will feel remorse. I was not nearly as good to my step sons as I wish I had been. There were times I was awful. I feel very badly about it. Part of my drive to heal is so that I can help them heal. I don't think I will be able to do so unless I make real progress in my own journey. Its a big shove to get me moving.

 

[Sethe]

When I talked to mom about it she says, "Oh it wasn't that bad." Dad can't understand what I mean when I tell him he ruined my life. Now I know I am not crazy because both my sibling validate what really happened and we all agree that it was that BAD! I can't speak to them anymore and act as if nothing happened. How can they feel guilty for something they pretend never happened.

This.

 

[Sethe]

My mom is hoooooooorribly sorry. For herself. Because she was such a bad bad mother, oh! And how she suffers from me cutting her off. How she misses me. She, she, she, she, she. Such a victim, she is.

My dad is totally at peace with himself because what he did to me was a) not so bad and is b) my challenge, given to me by Life.

I'd like to beat the crap out of them.

This too.

 

[Sethe]

It's normal for the notsonuts parent to minimise everything, from what I've read. Otherwise they would have to take some responsibility in the matter.

Wow. This could explain why my mother did minimize most of it.

 

[Lucycat]

Guilt - absolutely not! Denial reigns OK!

 

[Mercy]

Odd, I thought this thread was going to be about how children feel guilty about being abused. You know, the 'it's all your fault.' 'You were born for this'(Trafficked as a child). 'Little whore, want some more.' Learning what is the truth and what are the lies I was taught has been a long and ongoing process.

As for my captors, I don't even want to know who they were. As for my 'guests', what's the point. No words of theirs, no remorse could undo the damage they have done. No 'justice' like jail can erase the harm or ease the suffering.....

 

[NIKI]

No 'justice' like jail can erase the harm or ease the suffering.....

I'm so sorry that happened to you Mercy.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

I get a lot of "I'm sorry, BUT..." They'll start to apologize but then change it around and justify it. "I'm sorry I was so hard on you, but you were a very difficult child." or "I'm sorry, I really am. You were SO difficult though!" and then they will go on to name all of the awful things I've done. "Remember how you used to talk to your mother? Or no matter how many times I asked you, you wouldn't take the trash out? You were very frustrating." as if that justifies the things they said/did.

It shouldn't matter what I did wrong. It is never right to treat any human the way I was treated. Ever. It defies all standards of dignity, respect, compassion. A parent should not be waging war against their minor children.

 

[SimplyComplex]

Oh yeah, I am sorry, but boy did you test me. Im sorry, but you are sensitive. Or I'm sorry you are not happy with how you were raised. Even I am sorry id you think something I did hurt you...wth?

 

[Tomie Mari]

I was abused when I was 8 and 11 by my half-brother (seven years older). My mother told my father; he minimized. Then eventually called both my mother and I liars. I still get angry, as it is relatively fresh (my mother noticed my drawings when I was 8, and a UTI when I was 11--even so, I didn't really tell anyone until I was 15...) I was definitely stricken with guilt, and I began to question every little thing. I obsessed over my sexuality; I couldn't understand my own feelings and emotions because I was always being punished for acting out my repression and anger--a vicious cycle. My mother was terrified and got me help. Honestly, I wouldn't be here without her. Guilt still affects my relationships today however, and I'm always looking for ways to cope with inappropriate guilt and transference.

 

[scott_1971_h]

I get a lot of "I'm sorry, BUT..." They'll start to apologize but then change it around and justify it. "I'm sorry I was so hard on you, but you were a very difficult child." or "I'm sorry, I really am. You were SO difficult though!".

Absolutely typiucal. You are sure your parents are not NPDs?
BOTH of mine STILL say "You were always very difficult".
I wonder why?

Scott

 

[scott_1971_h]

Odd, I thought this thread was going to be about how children feel guilty about being abused. You know, the 'it's all your fault.' 'You were born for this'(Trafficked as a child). 'Little whore, want some more.' Learning what is the truth and what are the lies I was taught has been a long and ongoing process.

I've been blamed for everything that happened to me to. And they aree STILL blaming ME for their entire personalities even though I haven't seen them for years... Never changes. I locked myself in a cupboard (to get away from them) because I'm the one with a screw loose. Maybe I have, but their screws have long since dropped to the floor and rolled away... My parents are not 'mentally ill'. They are just... mental.
I feel guilty for the things they should feel guilty about. I feel guilty for what they did to me.

Scott