OKRAD, you are NOT a freak nor a nutcase.
I have been told since I was thirteen that I was scary/unapproachable, yet when I was 10 or 11 I was seen as too friendly. I could not figure it out. This was mostly at summer camp, where I had a large and consistent, ongoing community from age 11-16. In short, I grew up with these people, and because I was home schooled, they were the only large group of peers I regularly and consistently lived with.
I took a year off at fourteen due to depression, then came back at fifteen. There were all these people there that I mostly knew from a distance, some that were actual friends of mine, yet I was not really expecting a warm welcome. But all of a sudden, everyone opened their arms to me the first night I was there, telling me how odd yet lovable I was. It really threw me off. They described to me that they had somehow gone through a process with my personality, that sometimes I was hard to understand, but they had come to appreciate all of my facets and even that which they did not understand about me. It was a very strange experience, this sort of blatant and vocal acceptance of who I was.
I came to an understanding that summer that I was unnecessarily intimidated by others. I was not confident in who I was. I was constantly worried about bringing people down or going over their heads. I was worried about how my actions, inactions, words, or silence would be perceived. Eventually, I realized that those I wanted to interact with would interact with me on a mutually respectful level, that I did not necessarily have to change to accommodate others. After all, were they accommodating me?
For that matter, OKRAD, I would consider spending some time reflecting on whether or not these people you hear saying offensive things are still thinking about what they've said while you are brooding and to the same extent. Why waste your energy on them when it's not a reciprocal relationship? Perhaps if you were fighting with an intimate friend or SO, it would be a little bit more reasonable to spend time thinking conversations over and over, because the chances are that you are simultaneously trying to figure out all that transpired between you and what a solution could be. But over someone who just said some sh*t? Don't waste your time! You are too good, worth too much, and deserve to put your intellect to greater tasks.
In responding, I will say two things, one of which may sound trite.
Pick your battles.
Ex. 1--no battle
Two students I think are idiot as*wipes are having and increasingly ridiculous and cruel conversation about a professor who is female and notorious for her feminism and sexism toward males. Finally, the one I like the least says something about wanting to knife her. No one said anything. My blood boiled. I felt a certain hush fall over the 'smoking hut' (gazebo-like) where many students were catching a cig between classes. Yet no one said anything. I thought about it.
Is this a viable threat that should be reported? No. Really, these guys are just punka*s little b*tches who would probably be kicked out soon for other idiotic behavior or else FLUNK. Will they listen to what I have to say and attempt to understand my perspective of their behavior? (This has always been the BIGGEST factor for me in whether or not I will speak to something) NO! Not in a million years. They probably wouldn't understand every third word! Is this something that I should be wasting my energy on and feeling badly about? No. They were just being idiotic. They will get their come-uppance in one way or another. End of story. No battle. Finished my cigarette and put them on my list of People I Need Nothing to Do with.
Ex. 2--battle
At my old community college, I took a course called Intro to the Novel when I was sixteen. One of the books we read was Foxfire: Confessions of a Girl Gang by Joyce Carol Oates, which is admittedly a feminist manifesto yet is appropriate for the time period (mid-1950s Upstate NY). It was about a handful of girls entering high school who were all victimized by men sexually. It was horrific and written so painfully accurately. The girls form a gang, yada yada revenge, bada*ses, yada.
I am in class with one of my all-time favorite professors, a youngish man with whom I became fairly close. He asked the class, "Do you think that these things only happen in this town, or everywhere?" A student I had already cultivated a dislike for immediately spoke up: "No way. Just this town. Not everywhere is like this. It's like every man in this book is awful."
Assessment: every girl in the class appears to be undergoing their own private horror show in their mind, very still. This student is spitting blatant naivety. People are being hurt. This ignorance cannot be tolerated. I do not care if I change his mind or not. I must tell the truth for the benefit of everybody.
BATTLE. I wound up arguing with him, though honestly I can't remember the details. Obviously, I was arguing that this was very common. I was spouting a lot of statistics, as I had done several extensive research papers on the subject of sexual abuse and young girls. My professor broke it up because the other student started yelling at me. It did not matter at that point. Everybody could see that he lost control of himself and therefore lost the fight. I was cool, collected, honest, and forthcoming in what I said. The girl behind me was crying silently. I just caught a glance at her face.
That was worth my time.
Less extensively, who the f*ck cares if you speak your mind against something or not? They initiated with their own opinion. You have a right to yours.
Just don't allow this to get personal, nasty, or accusatory. Be descriptive, clear, level, factual. No one can blame you for that!
(((OKRADLAK))) I think we all need to realize that we can care less about people than we do. We are all such compassionate hearts. It is sometimes hard for us to consider ourselves as highly as we do other people, when really there are many people not worth half the consideration we should be giving ourselves.
Okay, more *HUGS*
