One Trauma After Another

[Booknerd]

Hi everyone, haven't been on lately because I was better. (or so I thought). My panic attacks are increasing and I even collapsed and was taken to the ER. I had to leave work over a year ago because I was under so much stress, I couldn't handle it. My Pdoc had to write a letter stating that I couldn't finish my 3 week notice because of the immense amount of stress I was under. Caring for my son, husband(he really is self sufficient), 4 elderly parents and working 50hr or more weeks had me on the verge of a breakdown and it was showing. My father's fiance' died april 2010, he had a complicated surgery 2 weeks after her death and was not well. My Aunt had died almost a year before that and he kept falling apart and if he wasn't in pain, he was crying. Then more happened.
People hear PTSD and they think military, like only soldiers can have it. An abused (mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually) child, who became a bank teller who was robbed with a gun pointed at my head (2 different times). Then became a RN at a level 1 trauma center who cared for people coming out of surgery. Having the 6 month old raped baby holding onto my neck crying because she didn't want to go to her mom, the young 18 yr old crying that he didn't want to die(endstage AIDS), the young 5 yr old who was held in boiling water, screaming "mommy don't hurt me" when I had to touch him to remove his monitors....they are like ghosts that scream and scream..there are countless more. I am damaged. My Mother died March 27 holding on to my shirt gasping her last breaths...(those cigs she couldn't give up). Last week my neice died in an accident with my 11 yr old nephew watching. This is just a few of my horrible things....I sing that to the tune of "these are just few of my favorite things". I feel fragile...pieces of my soul are falling off..never to be found.
First rule of nursing: never show weakness....broke that rule

 

[Brontie]

Booknerd,

You have certainly had more than your share of pain. I wish I had something positive to tell you but I think you are probably dealing with just about all you can right now. I hope you will keep posting and sharing your thoughts and feeling. All the bad stuff has to go somewhere and it might as well be in these pages. Power to you, sending some loving energy your way. I hope you feel better soon and can get back on the healing track.

{{{{{{{{{Hug}}}}}}}}}}

 

[The Albatross]

I can relate to one trauma after another, and feeling fragile, and pieces of your soul falling off. Yeah I've seen some sh*t things (in medical). And it seems like things just keep coming. I turned in a parent for suspected child abuse when I was working at a day care center and the infant (not even old enough to sit up) came in with not one but two black eyes. I asked the siblings, "What happened?" "They answered simultaneously, mommy told us not to tell her boyfriend did it." (They were 5 and 4).

My own husband was scarred from boiling water... a large scar that cover's his shoulder even still.

We're being hard schooled in how to deal with adversity. I had to split up the stuff... because it was too much in one big ball. Be gentle with yourself... honey it ain't weakness, it's compassion, empathy, and love.

 

[Abrasky]

Can't read your post again, reading it once sought of enough. But I think it's amazing that you can remember all that stuff that happened. I've had a heap of traumas piled together. It seems after years and years, sometimes one trauma can release the pain from other traumas so it feels like I dealt with a whole heap of traumas from the past and present at the one time. If you are able to remember so many things, it might mean you are further along the healing path. ((hugs))
Also Don't blame compassion for the pain. Preserve it, I agree with albatross it is a wonderful quality.

 

[Srain]

I haven't referred to my life as drama rama, never a dull moment - I stayed dissociated and depersonalized - saving alone times for completely losing it or having unbearable migraines until one day, like you, I just couldn't rise to the occasion any more. I lost it completely. All I could see looking back at my life was one trauma after another, a sea of pain, nightmares, and losses.

My heart hurts so much for where you and your husband are at.That's so much to take on in such a short period of time and I can see how much you love him and feel for others.

As Albatross said, once I was able to find my way back to the land of the living, I had to take it one trauma at a time.
Bunching them together was squeezing out all the love and meaningfulness that I am now reconnecting with. I'm sure it is very difficult at the moment to see it with all the pain you are experiencing but I promise you it's there.

Sending peace and healing,
Rain

 

[intothelight]

First rule of nursing: never show weakness....broke that rule

Booknerd,

You show kindness, compassion, and love. That is not weakness; it is strength beyond measure.

((((hugs))))

Debbie

 

[Srain]

I haven't referred to my life as drama rama, never a dull moment

Really should have read, "I HAVE ALWAYS referred to my life as drama rama..." kinda changes the whole meaning, don't you think??? Sheesh, my mind still in denial, eh??? Good grief!! I think one thing and my fingers write another, how frustrating. I apologize.

Rain