KP the nut
VIP Member
What is the saying, pride comes before a fall - :poop:. EMDR has been going so well recently, my T and I have cleared some targets and I am driving reasonably confidently again. I am learning to control panic attacks by using grounding techniques. In short I am regaining control - during the day.
At night it is different, my nightmares are becoming more and more vile and terrifying. They all start off nice and fluffy, but before long I and sometimes others are in mortal danger. The common theme is that I am trapped, confined, terrified and dying, then I wake shouting. Most involve a vehicle or small room.
Today my T gave me the choice, work on the dreams OR work on an action plan for the future. Idiot that I am said the dreams. They are seriously affecting me now. I couldn't at that stage tell him my vilest dream so we did another. EMDR time, we did a few cycles picking up on trigger points. Physically I was shaking, tense and in pain. At one point I stopped, it is hard writing this.
T asked me if I had ever been trapped or tied up, I said no, then almost instantly two memories. One from my childhood when I managed to lock myself in the airing cupboard, I was maybe 6. The second when I was 17 and undergoing PUVA treatment in hospital. The PUVA machine was the size of a phone box with UV strip lights on all four walls. Usually the nurse allowed me to sit, but once it was a different nurse and she made me stand. I had a full blown panic attack.
I started crying and the feelings of fear, anxiety, abandonment and failure were overwhelming. It brought up so many painful memories.
T thinks my car crash when I was trapped has re awoken those feelings and they are coming out in my dreams. It took a long time for me to 'come back' to the present after the session. I don't know if I am strong enough to go through this.
I'm so scared, I don't know what else is waiting to rear its ugly head. Another fun session is planned for next week
At night it is different, my nightmares are becoming more and more vile and terrifying. They all start off nice and fluffy, but before long I and sometimes others are in mortal danger. The common theme is that I am trapped, confined, terrified and dying, then I wake shouting. Most involve a vehicle or small room.
Today my T gave me the choice, work on the dreams OR work on an action plan for the future. Idiot that I am said the dreams. They are seriously affecting me now. I couldn't at that stage tell him my vilest dream so we did another. EMDR time, we did a few cycles picking up on trigger points. Physically I was shaking, tense and in pain. At one point I stopped, it is hard writing this.
T asked me if I had ever been trapped or tied up, I said no, then almost instantly two memories. One from my childhood when I managed to lock myself in the airing cupboard, I was maybe 6. The second when I was 17 and undergoing PUVA treatment in hospital. The PUVA machine was the size of a phone box with UV strip lights on all four walls. Usually the nurse allowed me to sit, but once it was a different nurse and she made me stand. I had a full blown panic attack.
I started crying and the feelings of fear, anxiety, abandonment and failure were overwhelming. It brought up so many painful memories.
T thinks my car crash when I was trapped has re awoken those feelings and they are coming out in my dreams. It took a long time for me to 'come back' to the present after the session. I don't know if I am strong enough to go through this.
I'm so scared, I don't know what else is waiting to rear its ugly head. Another fun session is planned for next week
