Fathers Day

[cyndiloowho]

Now that Im actually facing my feelings and dealing with them, I have to admit I get irritable at all the lovey dovey fathers day greetings passing by. I mean, Im happy for those who love their fathers, who actually get to have relationships with their fathers, but really, must they rub it in! Maybe Im just envious. Or maybe its just a reminder of one more thing I dont have in my life, have never had in my life.

Its not like my father doesnt know where I live, doesnt know how to reach me by phone or on facebook, doesnt know I exist. He knows but chooses to act like I dont exist. I have never gotten a birthday card from my father, nor a christmas card, nor any other card, phone call, or any attempt to contact me for any reason.

My therapist asked me once how I feel about my father being absent from my life. My reply was "its hard to miss someone youve never known." But suddenly, this fathers day, my feelings are rumbling! And I dont understand why now?? After 50 years I should be long over this issue, right?

How do others deal with absent parents on fathers/mothers day??

 

[Nicolette]

Or maybe its just a reminder of one more thing I dont have in my life, have never had in my life.

Its not like my father doesnt know where I live, doesnt know how to reach me by phone or on facebook, doesnt know I exist. He knows but chooses to act like I dont exist. I have never gotten a birthday card from my father, nor a christmas card, nor any other card, phone call, or any attempt to contact me for any reason.

Hmmm... Cyndiloowho....what can I say as I have chosen not to have my parents in my life and my father was absent for the greater part of me growing up but I know that is due to my mother.

I would look at the positive in the negative - it is better not to have anything to do with someone who doesn't want you in their life than having them there out of obligation with no heartfelt desire to have a relationship. You actually can't loose something you never had - you just grew up different IMHO.

There is a silver lining to every cloud and while you may have been abandoned, perhaps it was better than having a 50 year unhealthy relationship?!

 

[cyndiloowho]

Of course you are right, Nicolette. I have no desire to seek any r/s with my father at this point. But these feelings are there. Maybe Im just seeking validation. Yes, Im sure my father stayed away, at least in some part, because of my mother. But shes been out of my life for a long time now. And now they are married again! (My father is my mother's 1st and 5th husband).

I guess Im just trying to sort out feelings that have been long buried, but always rumbling. And Ive just always wondered "Why?" And, of course, I always assumed it was my fault that I didnt ever get to have a father in my life. Now that I am attempting to deal with my issues, I feel this is an area I need to find closure in, or it will continue to affect relationships in my life.

 

[Mina]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time with this, cyndiloowho.

Like Nicolette, I've chosen not to have my parents in my life. I'm also struggling with Father's Day because I'm grieving for what could have been, what I wish I had, and what could be if others made different choices. It's sad. It makes it a bit confusing also in that I do have some good memories of my father - they're not all bad. I cried hard yesterday after reading an Erma Bombeck piece about fathers which someone had posted on another (unrelated) forum.

 

[Heather]

I was afraid to read this because like the mother's day thread I thought it was gonna be all lovey dovey. Thanks you're great! BLEK!

My father sexually abused me and my sister growing up. So, I have nothing nice to say about him!

I was just watching the news after yet another sleepless night (thanks dad) and there's wildfires across Arizona. Maybe I'll get my wish for him after all and his house will burn down:D preferably with him in it. Happy Father's Day.

 

[Srain]

I use to absolutely despise father's day and literally just get sick over it! The odd thing is one day I realized what an awesome father my younger brother turned out to be when he was so set about being against one. I know he was terrified of being like ours, it was so sad to me because I knew he would make a great father but I understood the fear he had. He is one of the all the greats now with 3 of the most amazing children!!

Then I saw my younger son with his kids and what a devoted and amazing father he was and really, it took my breath away because I had never thought of him as a father. I can't think of ever seeing a better father and quite frankly know he didn't get it from his father :whistling:, so it was surely an act of the Gods.

The next thing that hit me some time later was observing my husband blend with my son and his family so quietly and lovingly from the sidelines, never being obtrusive but soon I felt his place there beside my son and I was so proud of him :), he is not his father but took them all on with quiet love and pride.So now I look forward to father's day, odd after so many years of just wanting to get it over with.

I really feel for where you are at and am so glad there is a place you can freely express your feelings because you have every right to feel the way you feel. (((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))

Rain

 

[ISupportHer]

I am sorry that there are those who have struggled with Father's Day. My struggle this year was that it was the first one since my Dad died. But I get why some have a hard time. I see it with my wife.

No great words of wisdom or saying I know what it's like. Just one of those moments when I wanted to say that I hear you.

ISH

 

[freakofnurture]

I try to ignore this day as much as possible. Otherwise I'll just get angry.

 

[Jestadud]

I had a good Fathers day, I had a card and gift from my Son, plus a phone call from my Daughter who is abroad.

The point is it wasn't Sons or Daughters day, It was Fathers Day and it was an opportunity for all who have a grievance against their dad to make their point by not sending a card or calling them.

I don't always know when Fathers day is as it's not something I look out for but there have been years when my kids have missed it and sometimes I might have been a bit hurt by that so I can imagine how it would feel if my kids never remembered or bothered.

So take heart in the fact that this day unlike all the others lets you stick two fingers up to your Dad if you so choose.

 

[Heather]

, It was Fathers Day and it was an opportunity for all who have a grievance against their dad to make their point by not sending a card or calling them.

So take heart in the fact that this day unlike all the others lets you stick two fingers up to your Dad if you so choose.

I didn't send him sh*t and he didn't get a phone call either. And if I had 50 middle fingers I stick those up.

I want to ask you a question Jesta and I'm not trying to be snotty so please DON'T take it that way. I'm glad your kids called you, I'm glad you had a good day but why would you respond to this thread? It's like you're rubbing our noses in it or something and if that's not your intention then I apologize but that's what it feels like.

 

[Jawn]

Hmmmm, seems like the title says Fathers Day, so I would assume anyone could post anything positive or negative about their father or lack of one. Mine died when I was 2, so I don't know what he was like. I've wondered at times, but as someone said earlier, you can't miss what you don't have. However, I have had other father like people in my life over the years and I take this day to take a moment to thank them for the influences they had on me over the years. These people were teachers, my 1st boss, and an older neighbor who helped out the "thirty-something kid" when he needed it. So while these people were not technically my father, they do represent positive father figures I have encountered over the years and I do remember them on this day. Mostly in my mind as most of them are gone now.

I too have kids (2 boys) and one bought me dinner at Subway and I didn't hear from the other one. It would have been nice, but I know he is trying to find his own way in life, so I don't take it personally.

Any way, whether it is a day to thank your father or a day for a multi finger salute, deal with it as you may. Oh, when my wife used to get mad at me she would hold up all 10 fingers and tell me it symbolized 10 middle fingers. So feel free to use it to "wave" to your fathers if you choose. Hell, use your toes too and if you want, I'll join in with you! ;)

 

[Jestadud]

It was the furthest thing from my intention to rub anybody's nose in it, I understand how many can hate their Fathers.

I saw the thread and the direction it was going and thought I could offer a different perspective on the subject. Maybe I should have stayed out, but as a Father I thought I could help to change what some were seeing as a negative into a positive.

The point I was trying to make is that it is the only day (apart maybe from Christmas) where not doing anything can have an affect. Imagine your Dads mates asking if he heard from you for Fathers day.

So there is no point in hating the day as it marks your protest.