Troubles Tonight - Coping With Trauma Hysterics

[Lisa]

I'm so sorry to hear about Evie's friend passing away. This must be an awful time for all of you, and of course especially for Evie (is it okay if I call her by her name or should I use her batgirl name?).

I haven't been on these boards long, but I have been reading around people's stories and have followed some of this post, but I'm sorry that I haven't managed to read all of it, because I have wanted to reply now. But now I am posting a reply, I should introduce myself- so, Hi, I'm lisa :)

I can understand your concerns about the funeral, and I can see the difficulty in which decision to make. I think the most important thing here is that whatever the decision, it is talked through and agreed on. As you recognise, it is important that Evie feels she is not deprived of saying good-bye, as this could leave unresolved grief on top of everything else. Whether she goes or not the best way to achieve that is to agree on the decision if possible.

Perhaps you could talk it through with her and try to work out some sort of plan for her to go, but perhaps leave if things get difficult? Let her know that if things get difficult, what that means, and what you will do to try to reduce the extent of upset by getting her out, so as not to cause an issue at the funeral and keep things bearable for her. That way, she can go, but she also knows beforehand that if it's too much she may have to leave.

I don't know if that's helpful, others might have a better or different idea, but I thought I would post anyway if nothing else but to say that Evie has really touched me, she's really been through it and I think despite such awful struggles, she has a character in her to survive no matter what. Her character shines through on here, from what I have read and I admire her. She shows such resilience and strength through so much turmoil and pain.

And I think it's so amazing that she has family supporting her, and actively trying to help the best way possible. I'm glad you guys are on this board to, getting some support for yourselves in order to be there for her.

My thoughts are with you,

Lisa

 

[Kathy]

Thank you Lisa. I'm pleased to meet you. Yes I'm quite certain you may call her Evie, everyone else here seems to. I believe when she joined this forum several months back, she did not reveal her name at first. Hence called herself batgirl, partially as a sign that she was incognito, and also I believe because she's a comic book artist and the Batman series is her favourite. Quite significant for her really. But enough of me analyzing my niece, not certain she appreciates it! :rolleyes:

Lisa, you are wise beyond your years! Making a plan is a very sensible idea indeed. We will certainly include your bit of advice when we speak with her. We're still letting her be for a day or so, hopefully helping her to calm herself, as the funeral is not until Wednesday.

Thank you for the wonderful compliment to Evie. I do hope she reads it and takes it to heart. I am very pleased that she has an impact on others here. We are extremely proud of her. Really though, we are proud of many people here. The fact that you have all been through such grave struggles and yet continue to try and mend yourselves is very inspiring indeed.

We are trying our best to support her. Family must stick together and support one another. I am enjoying this forum immensely and glad too I decided to join. You take good care Lisa. I look forward to chatting with you again.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Making plans are great, knowing she can leave at any point should be stressed to her. But personally I think if she wants to say good bye and you don't allow her she may hold that against you for a long time. I think she should as she should feel she has control over her decisions, she is ill but she is an adult too and would probably not be thrilled being treated like a child and having this type of choice taken from her. She has such little control over so much in her life as it is right now. But it may not be a bad idea to give her a tranquilizer as a preventative to an episode before going to make it more smooth going.

This could easily be Evie if we are not vigilant.

And that is probably what Evie is thinking too. This may be her way of facing that fact. I would say let Evie make this choice, but again I strongly suggest a mild tranq before going. The fall out will most likely happen afterwards. When faced with something like that our minds can seem to go on auto pilot. Emotions and shock seem to freeze us up (not swearing to it as a 100%) until an event is over then the emotional aspect comes with breaking down.

 

[Jim]

Thank you veiled. We have no plans to forbid her attending. It was a passing thought earlier today, more out of worry than anything else. As you say, she would resent it. Yes, she is an adult. We are trying to be more sensitive to that fact. She is becoming quite dependent on us. Natural I suppose, given the circumstances. However. I'm hopeful that once she's more healthy physically and emotionally, she will grow out of that dependence.

Still her attending the funeral is a worry. Wish we could fall back on a tranquilizer. Unfortunately she is not permitted tranquilizers any longer. Interferes with a cancer medication she's currently on. Hope you are correct, that the fall out will occur after the event and not during.

Jim.

 

[anthony]

Secret to help avoid huge fallout... near constantly ask her what she is feeling, but do it in a way where you express what you feel, to make a conversational question from it, not a direct question; as that will likely just piss her off if asked too many questions. Kind off like reflective listening if you like, though modified, where you use that type of technique to just start talking, and the reflective aspect might just work on Evie, seeing whether she is listening and then if so, she may just reveal more about what she feels constantly before, during and after.

 

[cookie]

i'm sorry she has to face this kind of a loss right now, but she has caring, supportive family, i am sure she will make it through. like you said, she is an adult, and she wants to pay her respects, i'm sure. the plan is a great idea, even to the point of saying "if you lose control, we will help you to a quiet place to calm down," then, if you need to, you can tell her "let's find that quiet place we talked about." and it might make it easier. i know it sounds simple, but this is how i deal with my kids at school when there is a problem, and it makes life so much easier. praying for the situation to be a gentle goodbye.
cathy

 

[Jim]

Secret to help avoid huge fallout... near constantly ask her what she is feeling, but do it in a way where you express what you feel, to make a conversational question from it, not a direct question; as that will likely just piss her off if asked too many questions. Kind off like reflective listening if you like, though modified, where you use that type of technique to just start talking, and the reflective aspect might just work on Evie, seeing whether she is listening and then if so, she may just reveal more about what she feels constantly before, during and after.

Have been practicing this very thing lately, in other areas. Very useful, so I will try it with this instance as well. Taken me a bit to learn how to phrase things without her getting pissed off, but it's been well worth the effort.

the plan is a great idea, even to the point of saying "if you lose control, we will help you to a quiet place to calm down," then, if you need to, you can tell her "let's find that quiet place we talked about." and it might make it easier.

Thank you Cathy. Appreciate the phrasing you shared and may just use it this evening.

Evie will not be attending the funeral on Wednesday, as it is occurring at the same time as her cancer treatment that day. Her decision entirely. However. We are taking her to the prayers this evening, and to view the body. Nikki's mother asked Evie to draw a picture to be buried in the casket with her. That was a lovely gesture. Hopefully all will go well tonight.

Jim.

 

[Jim]

Prayers went splendidly last night. No problems. However. Will let her explain what happened in more detail in her own threads. We are extremely proud of her.

Jim.

 

[Kathy]

Oh dear. I'm not sure what's going on, but Evie became horribly upset this morning and completely demolished her room - smashed things, ripped up her artwork, even cut up some of her clothes with scissors! Jim was not home at the time, or he would have put a stop to it I'm sure. I did nothing, just stood in the doorway and watched her, making sure she wasn't intending to hurt herself, which she didn't thankfully. After exhausting herself she lay on her bed crying for the longest time and eventually let me embrace her. I felt rather helpless through it all. She won't talk to us about it. She was gravely ill in the middle of the night and we had to take her to hospital, so possibly this has something to do with it. Or perhaps the funeral, or our move, or any number of other things. Really there has been a lot she's had to deal with lately. Perhaps it just became too much. Thankfully she is resting now.

 

[becvan]

Kathy,

It sounds like her cup is too full. Did you read the spouse's gide to PTSD that anthony created? She has got way too much on her plate at once right now. that is an aweful lot to be dealing with.

Evie needs to remove some stressors and concentrate on getting better. She needs to slow herself down some.

Ugh just too early with little coffe and little sleep.. I completely forgot what I was going to say! LOL...

I'll post later when I remember what the heck I was going to add.

thinking of you all,
bec

 

[Jim]

Yes we have the spouse guide. Correct, she has too much on her plate. Not sure what can be removed however. Presently we are trying to get her to quit worrying about the PTSD portion. She needs to concentrate on getting physically well.

Afraid I've not been very helpful lately. Got aggravated with her yesterday, was too harsh with her, which I believe has added to her stress greatly. I was quite the asshole. In any event, she is a bit better today. Sleeping and eating better. Thank you for your concern.

Jim.

 

[batgirl]

Afraid I've not been very helpful lately. Got aggravated with her yesterday, was too harsh with her, which I believe has added to her stress greatly. I was quite the asshole.

You're not an asshole. You are awesome 99% of the time, and the other 1% I probably richly deserve. To be honest I don't know how you stand me most of the time.