Emotional Neglect?

[angel2write]

I'm coming to realize that a large, painful part of the abuse I endured was emotional neglect. And I'm wondering if anybody else has this.

It doesn't really write up well as a trauma. "My parents didn't hug me" doesn't sound very sinister or traumatic. But I think it seriously affected me, and I'd like to know what other people have to say about this.

Did you suffer from lack of love, care, or concern from your parents?
Were you left alone or ignored a lot?
Did they show lack of concern, disgust or disdain for your emotions or needs?
Were you denied help or sympathy when you were hurt or in pain?
Were you ignored, treated like you were invisible, or given the silent treatment for long periods of time?
Did you act out or hurt yourself to get attention?
Did you ever feel like you were starving for affection?

There's probably more ways this could manifest that I haven't thought of yet.

 

[angel2write]

Oh- and if you have any tips on recovery from this, I'd love to hear that, too.

 

[Lucycat]

This is something that has come up in therapy for me. I had not identified or recognised it, and really freaked when it was pointed out to me that, other than the abuse I endured, my childhood was 'abnormal'. Since then I have read up, and googled about attachment and child development and see it really makes sense for me being as I am.

My T was really impressed that although I had not recognised emotional neglect, I had already made a consciouse effort to give my nephews more affection and hugs than I ever had. I have told them so many times that I am here for them, if they want to talk - or not.

T has said it is all bound up in CPTSD, and that there is no additional or special therapy for it. It is 'just' all wound up in the trauma therapy I am already receiving. Specifically EMDR. It is helping. I can't change history, but I can change my future.

 

[sea]

In terms of severity I think a lot of this ranked up pretty high for me. There are just certain things that Humans need in order to be happy and healthy. Your parents are the first source that you look toward to find them. When I was learning parenting methods in my 20s I was surprised to learn that attention is a basic Human need. Everybody needs attention. When a kid cries and you ignore them, that damages them. It disrupts the cycle of trust between a caregiver and their child, and is actually the basis of a lot of psychological concern. It's just as important as sleep, eating, drinking, and shelter. People need attention in order to survive. How could we not?

As babies we are entirely dependent on another source for every need we have. When we cry toward them or ask them for a need to be met, when that is ignored, we learn that our needs don't matter, our survival isn't important, our emotions aren't important, our happiness isn't important. It comes out really stupidly, though, because when you grow up you know your parents probably fed you, probably dressed you, probably took you to the hospital, and you think, Oh gee I am just being whiny, they met my basic needs. Except that they didn't. Neglect is seriously powerful, and seriously harmful. It isn't some kind of delusion that you're f*cked up about it.

All of what you mention above there were prevalent in my childhood and I think it formed the basis of a lot of my issues. I didn't have someone to turn to for comfort, I didn't get a hug when I wanted it, I had to act out in ways that damaged myself in order to get any kind of touch at all. This, all of what you wrote, was a major component of that. Not being fed, not being warm, not having medical care, I mean they're major components of how you literally survive as you grow older. If these aren't things you get when you want them, when you need them, or when they might be important, it is f*cked up. You got some medical care. When it was obvious it was a desperate need. You got fed. Practically on a schedule and without any meals that you actually enjoyed. You know? That f*cks you up.

Babies who are fed and who have their basic needs met but who don't form proper emotional connections with their caregivers, don't get picked up, don't get touched - they literally waste away from that lack. They are literally lacking touch and connection. Touch is essential for our brains to connect to our surroundings. Why do you think babies have the grasping reflex? They need to explore with touch. When parents deny that to their kids, scold their kids for wanting attention or being needy or being whiny, can you start to see where this would f*ck a child up? I took the liberty of Googling some of this to make sure I had it on point, and sure enough, there it is:

Dead Link Removed
[DLMURL]http://www.unu.edu/unupress/food2/UID06E/uid06e0r.htm[/DLMURL]
[DLMURL]http://fsos.che.umn.edu/mtarp/Icarpapers/gunnar.htm[/DLMURL]
[DLMURL]http://www.med.harvard.edu/publications/On_The_Brain/Volume7/Number1/commentary.html[/DLMURL]
http://www.loc.gov/loc/brain/emotion/Carlson.html
[DLMURL]http://www.micronutrient.org/idpas/pdf/1304ChildhoodNeglect.pdf[/DLMURL]
http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=271836

Sorry if all this comes off a little impersonal. Those links I think are fairly accurate representations of what can happen when people are not given attention, when they're neglected. I think not only is it difficult to quantify this type of trauma, but I think it is difficult to talk about as well when it has happened. It is difficult to understand how something like Not Getting Hugged translates into complete psychological meltdown. But I have read your diary and I remember your talking about an instance of being eighteen and wanting some form of connection with your mother, and just kept thinking, well, isn't that normal? Wouldn't that be normal if you grew up your whole life without it? I still go through those intense periods and I basically shut myself away in my closet until they go away.

It has nothing to do with being an adult, or being emotionally developed, or anything else. It's just an attempt to get some of your needs met. Because, in children, attention turns into attachment. And, attachment is the basis for trust, love, communication and care with regards to your parents or whoever looks after you. So when that attachment is distorted, the need for attention becomes extreme. And in very severe cases you can get cases of kids who are so blatantly demonstrative for affection they will walk up to random strangers and start hugging and kissing them. Their attachment, their need for attention, is severe.

Anyway I don't know if this will help, at this point I'm just rambling. I hope you find the answers you need.

 

[sillybearmama]

I think emotional neglect is a horrible disgusting thing that is highly underrated by a lot of people in how it affects children. If you don't get affection and attention as a baby/child it is devastating and you start to see children acting out negatively to try and get attention because negative attention is better than no attention.

I had an extreme lack of emotional care as a child and alternated between acting out and trying to keep everyone happy to somehow make up for my perceived faults. I too am just figuring out that I suffered from emotional neglect. The comments sea made (I've included in the first paragraph below) really hit me, when you had enough to eat, had clothes, and your medical needs were cared for you have this thought that you don't have anything to complain about. However, if your emotional health is being taken care of then all that is almost for naught.

In the second paragraph I've included below Sea states that some children become so desperate for affection that they walk up to random strangers and start hugging and kissing them. This is so true and sad, my father and stepmother adopted a little girl from Vietnam and she was in an orphanage there until she was 3. Once they got her home and started getting her adjusted to life in the U.S. when they would take her out in public she would run up to everyone and try to give them hugs and kisses, she was so starved for affection. It was heartbreaking, she's now learning her boundaries but you can still see her uncertainty with her parents. Like she's still questioning if they're going to take away their love. :(

As babies we are entirely dependent on another source for every need we have. When we cry toward them or ask them for a need to be met, when that is ignored, we learn that our needs don't matter, our survival isn't important, our emotions aren't important, our happiness isn't important. It comes out really stupidly, though, because when you grow up you know your parents probably fed you, probably dressed you, probably took you to the hospital, and you think, Oh gee I am just being whiny, they met my basic needs. Except that they didn't. Neglect is seriously powerful, and seriously harmful. It isn't some kind of delusion that you're f**ked up about it.

It has nothing to do with being an adult, or being emotionally developed, or anything else. It's just an attempt to get some of your needs met. Because, in children, attention turns into attachment. And, attachment is the basis for trust, love, communication and care with regards to your parents or whoever looks after you. So when that attachment is distorted, the need for attention becomes extreme. And in very severe cases you can get cases of kids who are so blatantly demonstrative for affection they will walk up to random strangers and start hugging and kissing them. Their attachment, their need for attention, is severe..

 

[Queen Boudica]

I'm coming to realize that a large, painful part of the abuse I endured was emotional neglect. And I'm wondering if anybody else has this.

It doesn't really write up well as a trauma. "My parents didn't hug me" doesn't sound very sinister or traumatic. But I think it seriously affected me, and I'd like to know what other people have to say about this.

This has come up in my therapy as well. There were never any hugs and lots more that you mentioned. I had never thought about the lack of hugs, but I always give my children plenty of hugs and I love you's

It is trauma for a child, that behaviour is traumatising. Emotional neglect. traumatising. to a child. That's what I think.

 

[LizBeth1]

Yes, this is huge for me. I didn't recognize it at first either. My siblings and I got fed, clothed, and had a roof over our heads. We did not get hugged; if we had a hurt or a fear we were dismissed with some irritation. We did not feel inclined to go to our parents for support when something bad happened. Something in us knew that it may be met with annoyance or dismissal. But because our material needs were being met, it was confusing. Did anything bad happen? Well. I don't know - I got fed and everything...

So it can be confusing, and then when you have the full realization of 18 or more years of prolonged exposure to repeated episodes of need/neglect/dismissal - need/neglect/dismissal - it can feel devastating. There can be a lot of unacknowledged rage there at first. My T told me 'babies come into this world hardwired to expect physical affection, bonding, cuddling, being heard, being attended to emotionally. It's in our DNA. When that doesn't happen, and continues to not happen, it's trauma." And it often adds up to many years of trauma, because it's living with an authority figure who is dismissive of our emotional vulnerabilities. And what often happens is that the child absorbs what the parent is doing, and when the child is upset, the child learns to dismiss and shut down his/her own emotions that were trying to express. A child learns that there is no safe protective place to go to get their emotional needs met, and also winds up acting out what a parent/parents are doing - dismissing one's own feelings. So they go underground.

It's heartbreaking to have these realizations and a ton of very charged emotion can come up. And it's so true that this kind of foundation, or lack of one, can absolutely lead to going into unsafe places to get what is believed to be safety, physical holding, touching, etc. and often turns out to be the opposite of that. I did that too. So for some people, anger and grief over parental emotional neglect can get kind of fused with terror/anger/etc around sex. Because the first part sort of provided the setup for the next part. So when you're working with that in therapy, it can be really charged because double the emotion comes up.

Still figuring this out with my T, but it's very important to know that 'this is a lot of stuff' -- but it can be worked with.

 

[angel2write]

because when you grow up you know your parents probably fed you, probably dressed you, probably took you to the hospital, and you think, Oh gee I am just being whiny, they met my basic needs. Except that they didn't.

Yeah- definitely have thought that all my life. Spent a lot of time reading self-help and psychology books trying to figure out what was missing in my life. Knowing I was in desperate need of something when I was getting food, clothing, shelter, education, and even a little too much medical care. Hating myself because I couldn't seem to figure out what it was I needed or how to get it. Didn't even have words to try and conceptualize what I wanted.

In my case, the physical and sexual abuse was nowhere near what I've heard other people describe. But I think both my parents are mentally ill. I don't think either one of them is actually able to even perceive the emotions of love or compassion, well enough demonstrate them to each other or their children.

Oh- and thanks for the links, Sea. I'll try to follow them when I have more time tomorrow. You are, as always, a fountain of really helpful insights and information.

 

[angel2write]

My T was really impressed that although I had not recognised emotional neglect, I had already made a consciouse effort to give my nephews more affection and hugs than I ever had. I have told them so many times that I am here for them, if they want to talk - or not.

This is wonderful. It constantly amazes me to see people on this forum making better decisions for the children in their lives, breaking cycles...

You get three thumbs up from me. :tup::tup::tup:!

 

[angel2write]

It's heartbreaking to have these realizations and a ton of very charged emotion can come up.

Wow- this is totally what's happening with me right now. Buried emotions surfacing. Thanks.

And it's so true that this kind of foundation, or lack of one, can absolutely lead to going into unsafe places to get what is believed to be safety, physical holding, touching, etc. and often turns out to be the opposite of that. I did that too. So for some people, anger and grief over parental emotional neglect can get kind of fused with terror/anger/etc around sex. Because the first part sort of provided the setup for the next part.

This was also true for me... and makes me feel a tiny bit better about some of the bad choices I made in my teen years. I sort of feel like I was set up for it. "It was a set up! I'm innocent, I tell you! Innocent!" :rolleyes:

 

[just me here]

Definitely- every aspect you mentioned in the OP applies to me in some way. After so many years of being treated for depression and dealing with what amounted to symptoms (reactions to hostile coworkers, social anxiety, inability to trust, etc.) I finally started noticing that my moods were affected by recent close call-near death experiences in traffic that kept me angry and depressed for days. With my experiences as a paramedic, my own bad accidents, the things I had seen and dealt with, a PTSD diagnosis was fast in coming. What has been a surprise to me is the way my counselors and t's ( 7 so far in a year, soon to be 8) have all jumped into my experiences as a kid and the emotional abuse suffered there. I mean, that stuff never really weighed in much even back when I was chasing depression symptoms!

Mom died of a brain tumor when I was 11, after a 3 year fight. Dad had been pretty much a bachelor for 3 years, had become a convert in a religion I wanted nothing to do with, and when mom was gone he went to the church for help finding a wife and a parent for my sister and I. Within a few months of moms death, I had a new parent, with 2 new sisters, a new religion, neighborhood, religious school, new diet, new clothes, new rules, basically a total upheaval.

The damage was caused by the punishment I received when I mourned the death of my mom. Damage was done when I was told "stop living in the past, stop fealing sorry for yourself, get with the program, nothing has REALLY changed". Damage was done when I moved out at 14 and wasn't invited back unless I could accept their religion first.

After the church came in, I was unable to do anything right ever again. I got held up as an example of failure for all to see, the family, the church, the school, anywhere and anytime, he was willing to prove his devotion to his new wife and family and church by loudly criticizing me for my lack of acceptance. After 35 years of just trying to ignore the past, therapy and the memories I have recalled have made me aware that I can no longer even speak to him. He is dead to me now. I can never feel anything but anger and sympathy for him, what a lousy parent and ineffectual person he was and is. The easy way through it all for him meant the loss of his only son and he just shrugged and said "okay". I can forgive him, he was in a horrible situation with the loss of his wife after a long fight, but I cannot sit in a room with him and pretend I even like him or wish to interact with him.

Emotional abuse is like a death by a thousand cuts, by the time the real blood loss starts to have an effect on us we have become numb to the pain and the slices and slashes don't really even register anymore. The first cut hurts, the most damaging cuts come later and go unnoticed.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Emotional abuse is like a death by a thousand cuts, by the time the real blood loss starts to have an effect on us we have become numb to the pain and the slices and slashes don't really even register anymore. The first cut hurts, the most damaging cuts come later and go unnoticed.

Oh I'm so sorry just me here. What you have described was terrible emotional abuse. I feel the same about my mother as you do about your father.

And that last bit you wrote about the cuts. So, so perfect a metaphor.

(((( just me here ))))