Have You Ever Triggered Your Therapist?

[LizBeth1]

Hi,
Just wondering if this has happened to anyone. My T has been an oak tree most of the time, and she has told me I'm doing really well lately. For the past 4 months or so she's acknowledged that I'm working really hard, she's proud of my progress, I should acknowledge the work I've done, etc. I have been; I'm drained.

Well, yesterday I got triggered during a discussion with her, and some intense anger came out - an old part of me must have felt invalidated by her response. So my tone was very angry and impatient. Her voice then got shrill and she kind of went into this aggravated "You see? It's so rare that you ever self-soothe in here, there's hardly been a time when you do, and as long as you're not willing to do it and get grounded we aren't going to get any further!!" I have gotten angry in therapy before, but it had been many months since I'd gotten triggered and let loose to that degree. And we'd always unpack and resolve it. So this was confusing. It's difficult for me to see how 'you're doing well' and 'you hardly ever...' can coexist.

Maybe that's my black/white thinking, but it felt like she was ripping down the veil of all the past positive feedback as though it weren't real. It sort of sounded like something coming from a romantic partner like, 'well guess what! I've thought you were a horrible singer all along, but I never told you because I thought your weak ego couldn't handle it!" I'm feeling pretty confused and quite bad now. We did clarify how I led to be triggered and she acknowledged that it made sense that I'd been triggered, which was good, but her reaction is still echoing in me and really bothering me. Am I looking at this incorrectly? Should it be okay for a therapist to rage back at a patient who's in a rage trigger?

I'm sure trauma therapists handle triggered rage in patients in different ways. I would love to hear how your Ts handle triggered rage directed towards them, if this happened to you and you triggered your T, and how it was resolved.

 

[OKRADLAK]

(((LIZ)))) THAT WAS CRUEL OF HER!!!! You are trying very hard, to even be in therapy is hard!! I am very angry reading this!!

No, it is not OK for her to rage at you! For $120 hr she ought to be holding you and comforting you and making you soothing tea. Oh, this makes me mad!!!

I have also triggered T's and it ruined it for me because I am so damaged I cannot get through that. I fire them immediately and move on. I have had T's smoke in my face, tell me I am killing my family because I am selfish, telling me I don't want to get better, one propositioned me, another wanted to write a book with me, and just a bunch of other crappy stuff.

Then I decided only to see PhD's at good places and that sovled THAT problem pretty darn quick. First, the have people over them and second, they are educated. So I make sure it is never a stand alone place, but one that is big, known, does research, etc.

T;s can be such jerks.

I hope that you are able to process it and that my words were not too strong. I care about you, not her!:)

 

[Ted Moen]

Partially trained therapists can be helpful for some people, but people with ptsd should seek out a clinical psychologist specialized in trauma for individual therapy.

Ted (echoing okradlak)

 

[Dani]

she should give you your money back, she didn't do anything for it. :sick:

 

[Heather]

Lizbeth - I agree with Okradlak and Ted. Therapists shouldn't be pissed off because their client gets pissed off - unprofessional and uncalled for! I'd be pretty hopping mad if my therapist did that to me!

As a matter of fact, my therapist and I got into something like this a couple of years ago and we eventually worked it out. It wasn't fun, he apologized and admitted that he was angry, out of line and shouldn't have spoken to me that way. I eventually got over it but it took a lot of discussions. Many, many discussions because he should never have talked to me like that and he knew it. Once we worked it out things got back to normal and our relationship is really solid now.

Hope this helps.

Heather

 

[LizBeth1]

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate the feedback and clarity.
She is a clinical psychologist, trauma therapist, PhD and worked closely with the founder of EMDR, Francine Shapiro. That's why it's hard to know what's right -- not that those qualifications excuse anything... I'm going to have to write her a letter or something, but I feel like I'm in that little kid place where it's not okay to call out a parent for doing something inappropriate.
Thanks -- it's hard to know if your T's reaction is justified while you're in the midst of an anger episode, so this was helpful.

 

[Lucycat]

For $120 hr she ought to be holding you and comforting you and making you soothing tea.

Sorry ! Have to disagree with you on this one. Tea and sympathy does not get anyone better. No matter the price.

Don't get me wrong, I would not like it if my T raged at me. No way! Not acceptable. But I do know that sometimes a T will throw in the unexpected to gauge the reaction...

 

[Kb3]

It sounds like her professional facade dropped and she couldn't get it back. Maybe she had a difficult client in before you and was feeling frustrated? Perhaps something has been building up for her in other areas of her personal/professional life?

Either way you deserve an explanation and an apology, whether it be written or verbal. T's are human and have their bad days, but they have to make amends like everyone else if they want to keep the relationship.

Maybe this will be an opportunity in disguise? If you've had a decent rapport with her up until now, and you think she is well qualified enough, it might be worth exploring what happened and seeing what the best way forward would be together.

Good luck, and I'm sorry that you had such an unpleasant experience!

 

[LizBeth1]

Thanks Lucycat and Eat... it may be an opportunity, yes. Right now though my trust and sense of safety w/her are kind of shot. I guess that's normal after something like this though. I wondered if something else may be going on for her, yes.

 

[anthony]

Her voice then got shrill and she kind of went into this aggravated "You see? It's so rare that you ever self-soothe in here, there's hardly been a time when you do, and as long as you're not willing to do it and get grounded we aren't going to get any further!!"

I don't quite understand how that is triggering your therapist? A trigger is something is activates a symptom... you didn't activate a symptom in your therapist, you activated them responding logically... because instead of you breathing and grounding, you unleashed in anger about something that they obviously thought was an over the top response to the situation vs. helping you to identify your own inner stress and know when to breath and ground versus continuing and exploding.

One is a positive coping method, the other is not and usually creates more problems.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not playing the blame game here... but a therapist has a job to do, and that job is not always this empathetic, compassionate role... they have a direct, blunt and assertive role to include when required. It sounds as though they used that aspect of their training.

Remember... therapists are also human, do have their own issues and baggage, that whether you think is relevant or not... its there in that room with them every session.

 

[LizBeth1]

Thanks Anthony. I think I (may have, not sure) triggered her with my intense anger. Yes, she was pointing out that I was not getting grounded -- you are correct.

I think everyone is different. If you're still going through phases where you are still finding out about all the little fragments you have inside of you, there usually are still fragments you don't know about yet. And many of those fragments are terrified of aggression being directed at them. Even if the T is being assertive, not aggressive, those little old fragments can't distinguish between assertion and aggression yet -- they are still in a learning process. So if someone is being direct and blunt, through the trauma filter, it feels like an attack. Even if it isn't meant to be one. Make sense? So that may be what happened. I still don't know yet.

All that said -- have any of you struggled with not being able to ground properly in therapy because old parts of you still associate your therapist with former abusers in your life? I find that I'm able to ground without too much of a problem when things come up and I'm alone or with friends. But in her office, I'm now realizing, all of that changes. It's not easy to ground. I know there are parts of me that associate her with my cold/distant mom, with abusive medical practitioners, or even male perpetrators at times. I am still working through this; it's very hard sometimes.

How do you deal with it?

 

[Tinyflame]

This probably is of zero-help, but to me she just sounded frustrated and it 'popped out'. Albeit likely not her ideal reaction, either, but I don't see what she said as incompatible, in essence- you are doing great and you need to practise and learn more self-soothing techniques (in that they are necessary and helpful).

I don't know, I guess it depends on the level of trust, but I think I would be kind of glad to hear truthful comments, because the goal is to truthfully gain techniques and understanding that work in real-life situations- and they are anything but 'kind' ('kid-gloves') , most of the time.

And (if) she was frustrated she actually cares enough you beat this thing. I mean, it can come down to life-or-death so it's not time to 'play games'-especially times when you need to apply 'self-soothing' techniques to keep you safe when no one is there- so maybe she really wants you to succeed.

I don't mean to offend anyone, I just don't think it refers to a vote of 'non-confidence' in you or your progress.
I think it gives an opportunity to talk about it, be assertive, say what you feel, etc- think those are all good ('uncommon') things.

-So maybe something 'good' can come out of it.